Do you ever just wonder when it will be your turn to experience something? Especially when virtually everyone you know has gotten to? That’s kinda how I feel at the moment… I know “this too shall pass,” but right now I can’t help but have the same feelings of when is it my turn? And, on top of that there are all the feelings that follow that.
Here’s what I know.. God has my plan already, and he’s leading it. Not one time have I ever looked back and wondered “WHAT THE HECK WERE YOU THINKING?!” when I have seen God’s path on the other side. I know he loves me, and I know I’m learning.
But, then there’s the other side that’s completely filled with doubts… I’ve realized recently that those all have to go back to God, and I pray about it EVERY SINGLE DAY.. but they are still there.. varying degrees every day. Some days I feel like they’ve disappeared completely and I can conquer the world. Then there are days I feel the weight on me and want to just hide and cry.
Insecurities are a weird thing, because no one else seems to completely get it. You can explain what they are.. even why they are there, and their responses tend to be shallow or they try to tell you how stupid you are for feeling that way (as if telling someone they are stupid ever has helped before).
I know I have Hope because of Jesus.. but I’m finding it to be getting progressively more challenging to find hope in the “desires of my heart”.. I feel like that whole definition of insanity of doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Lameness.
Lord give me strength to find you. Guard my heart cause I clearly have no concept of what that means. Help me to see myself as you made me, and not in the manner that I do. Help me to glorify you and love you the way I should. Help my heart and my head to feel you and see you. If things aren’t supposed to happen then I need you to take away the feelings and desires cause it’s killing my heart.
I love you Lord.