So.. I had an AHA moment on my way into work today.. I love it when talking to God I get those 🙂 I figured out why I’m such a pessimist when it comes to relationships.. I mean seriously, I am fairly optimistic most of the time, I can for the most part keep a positive attitude.. So, I keep trying to pinpoint why I am such a pessimist about relationships involving myself (not others).
I mean others can tell me plain as day “this is what’s going on.. this is what we see, think.. etc..etc..” and I will have the most pessimistic view of it. And it really bothered me, cause it doesn’t fit with the rest of my world view. I was convinced for a while I had a commitment issue, cause that was the only thing I could come up with. But, I figured it out today.. now I just need to figure out what to do with my new found information 🙂
I am not scared of relationships (specifically speaking of boyfriend/girlfriend ones).. I’m not scared of the work, the trouble, arguments, the sacrifice.. none of that cause my parents have an incredibly stable relationship, and I’ve seen them do these things. I’m scared, or more specifically TERRIFIED of what I have experienced every single time (obviously since I’m not married). I am scared of feeling the incredibly painful “your not the one again”.. when for whatever reason I am not the one for him, not the right _______, not enough ________, too much _______… and I always take that and attack myself with it.. I beat myself up over it.. and every single time I’ve given over to letting Satan pervade my thoughts of myself. I mean there have been times it’s gotten so bad that my dad stepped in and we screamed at each other cause I didn’t know how NOT to do that.. and he was scared for me. (quick side note, while I NEVER want to do that again with my dad.. I’ve never felt so loved once I figured out what he did 🙂
So.. Now what?
I mean I recognize the issue, I realize what Satan’s game plan has been all along now. Cause if you’ve ever been there when I’ve broken down into one of these things.. according to my dad it’s very scary, and something he never wants to see again. SO, now I know.. but you can’t just snap your fingers and decide that 23 years of something will just go away. That all the insecurities will be gone instantly..
So.. Now what?
Well, that’s where my conversation with Jesus centered today. Cause, I honestly have no idea what to do now. I obviously have no idea how to Guard my heart.. which IS THE WELL SPRING OF LIFE.. How does anyone suck at something that is so important to life?! So, that’s what I prayed.. God needs to do it for me, to protect my thoughts and emotions cause I don’t know how. It’s obvious I can’t go through life like this… cause that would mean missing out on huge blessings from God, and a lot of inner turmoil. I need Jesus on this one. He’s the only one who can clean out the decay and replace it with what I desperately need there.
My cry to my Sweet Savior this morning consisted of begging him to save me from myself. I can’t do it anymore, and I don’t know how to change. I am terrified of those feelings because the pain is more real and more destructive than anyone can describe. It’s such a visceral reaction in my chest.. One that can’t really be explained.. there aren’t really words I can think of to describe it.
How do people without Jesus keep moving?