I am really struggling today. I hurt for real. For small things or for someone else’s pain… tears will come to my eyes today. I just feel blah, like I need a huge long hug and a reminder that God is still in control, nothing has changed and the pain will go away.
We had to make significant changes at work due to our budget. It was pretty intense and I hurt for the people I work with. I feel guilty that decisions were made the way they were (even though I was not a part of it), and I am completely overwhelmed by the task ahead. I don’t know how to turn things around and make them better.. in all honesty I’m not even sure where to begin. *sigh*
I miss my friend Kyle who died two years ago yesterday. Man did he love Jesus, and he seriously showed that love to all of us. I miss him.
I really just don’t want to do anything. I want to be still, to know God is God and I am just me. In the last week I’ve gone to bed several nights just aching to be with Jesus… actually tearing up from the ache. Weird huh? I mean not really.. but kinda if you think about it. I’ve never felt that way before. I mean I’ve always wanted to go to be with Jesus, but I’ve never ached for it before. But, somehow in the last little over a week I just don’t want anything but Jesus. I’ve hardly listened to the radio cause I’ve just needed time to talk to him.. or just be numb.. silent.. whatever. I keep getting frustrated that I don’t have more time to do that. I keep feeling like I should know exactly where I’m heading like I should be close enough to Jesus that I could have an idea of what He’s trying to teach me or where He’s guiding me. But.. I don’t.
For right now I just need to know Him. To know He is my God, my Savior, my Jesus, my Leader, my most intimate, my most fulfilling, and the most consistent thing in my life. But, I still would rather be there. I mean really, think about it.. if I cannot be doing what I’m made to be doing.. what I was CREATED for.. why wouldn’t I desire then to simply be with Him instead? Makes sense when you think of it that way because you feel fulfilled when you are doing and moving exactly the way you were created to… and if you’re not doing that, it’s supposed to feel wrong or at least weird and off… So, if it feels weird and off, we’re supposed to desire being with Jesus more than where we are currently.
The sucky dynamic thrown in there, is I think I’m supposed to be exactly right here doing this right now. Lameness. I’m supposed to do everything to glorify Him, be diligent in the small so I can have more later. But, I’m impatient and I just want either to be doing what I was created for… or to be with who I was created for.
So.. today I just need a big long comforting hug, and to be reminded that I’m safe, loved, ok, and that God is still my God.. He hasn’t forgotten me, I’m not hurting for nothing, this pain is to shape me more, and all I’m supposed to do, is be me doing what I’m doing for Him.
To be still and know…