I had an epiphany yesterday during our weekly staff training/meetings… But, it didn’t really develop or become words until my hour drive home… Let me detail out my light bulb moment for you.
Yesterday, one of my co-workers who I get along great with and joke around with all the time, made a passing comment that sorta woke me up to realize a couple things. First, his passing comment was that he has told his grandson on a few occasions to make his way over to my office and “hang out”.. after his grandson commented on being 4 years younger, my co-worker explained age means less and less as you get older, so his grandson basically said “ok, find me a reason to go over..” haha! I find that an extremely amusing conversation, and it probably doesn’t mean much to you, but it served as a wake up call for me… let me explain.
I have always sorta had this view that everyone around me is either married or getting married because they are just lucky to have met “their person” that accidentally they found their spouse before me… Enough people finally pushed them together, they decided one day to open their eyes and look, God changed their mind.. whatever… I’ve used the idea of it just happens , so accidentally that they found theirs before I’ve found mine.. I’ve done a lot of crying out to God, and a lot of stepping out of God’s will trying to “force” this accident to happen.. Force God’s hand I guess, I’m not really sure what my goal was looking back on all of it. I’ve always kinda had this view that there simply was no interest on the part of guys, no guys like me (cause I am clueless or dumb or whatever), no guy pursues (which is true… to a point), or I just haven’t stumbled in at the right time…
I mean all three of my roomies from senior year are married or will be married by May.. I now have been in enough weddings to own the same dress in TWO colors.. haha.. oh man.. But, I’ve always kinda had this feeling that I was just waiting for some invisible pull tab that was finally my number in the sky… The stars align, God finally feels I’ve been patient enough, God has decided I learned whatever lesson I needed to, I finally wasn’t expecting it so it would happen (cause that’s what they always tell you), my future husband is finally ready.. whatever the reasons I had a bunch of excuses to give when people asked “so, Krista, why ARE you still single?..
And then yesterday when my co-worker told me this exchange with his grandson.. undoubtedly to test my reaction I’m sure.. That got me thinking about all the times in the last while that someone has made a comment about this guy or that guy found me attractive or whatever.. First let me say, I never really get used to that idea and STILL I choose to reason away their attraction to some other excuse (I was dressed up, I laughed at their jokes more than most.. and the excuses get worse and tend towards really mean towards myself). I realized that I ignore these things not because I am ignorant.. I ignore these as potential options until God shows me otherwise. hmm..
So, that got me thinking on my long drive home… I’m not single and unmarried because of an accident… I’m not single because no guy finds me attractive.. I’m not single because God is punishing me.. I’m single because I have a different task right now, a different job, and if I were married, 1. I Wouldn’t be able to do it as well, 2. He wouldn’t be able to do it as well, 3. WE wouldn’t be serving God BETTER doing this task, and finally, 4. I wouldn’t have these experiences for when I would need them later…
All of this has caused me to realize, something I’ve kinda known all along.. but I didn’t really like the idea, I am single because I am doing my best to be obedient to God and His will RIGHT NOW.. Not later when the grass is greener on the other side, but now. I have this wonderful map that leads in a different direction than anyone else’s. When you look over where I’ve been and what I’ve done.. I wouldn’t change that FOR ANYTHING.. pain and all (and trust me there’s been a lot of that).. So, why would I suddenly think that I would regret any part of my journey thus far once I’m married? Why would I think “oh if I’d only NOT done those things and instead gotten married..” haha that’s a dumb thought process lets be honest.
So, here’s my epiphany.. I’m not single by accident. I’m not single cause I’m not pretty enough. I’m not single because I have a character or personality flaw. My singleness is part of a carefully crafted plan… Get that? CAREFULLY CRAFTED.. God made it.
My plan? To choose God’s plan, and His will, and to be obedient to Him. Eventually I’ll see all the pieces of my journey fall into place, and it will make perfect sense. Until then, I am choosing to be obedient, and I am choosing to run through my life in a 110% full steam ahead manner until God says otherwise. And, lets be honest.. I’ll probably still be the same way when I’m married.
So, it’s not as though I’ve been forgotten or put aside for a moment.. THIS is my moment, this is my life, this is the task I’ve been given, I just haven’t reached the point in my journey where his task and mine are the same… Like I said, carefully crafted plan.