You know my heart, you know my every moment, my deepest times of pain and my wonderful times of joy. You know how I’m feeling and exactly what I feel, and what I’m think right now. You see my turmoil, and my battle to keep towards you.
Lord, my precious Savior, my Sweet King, My daddy… I need you tonight. Not because I’m in despair, but because I don’t want to wait until I am to turn to you to take over. I want your all consuming fire to cover me and protect my heart. I want you first and always. I desire you, in me more than anything else. I’ve felt you more viscerally and more completely than I have anything I can remember; more than breaking bones, more than bumps and bruises, more than a hug, more than a kiss. In that time when I felt you, breaking my heart to create a new one. I heard you whispering to my heart, to mold it to become pleasing to you. I felt the bleeding from my chest into my stomach, and I gave thanks when I was crying. When I wanted to curl up and stop participating in the world because you were all I wanted… You held me, you loved me, and you cried with my pain. I’ve felt you more than anything I can remember.
My Lord, my Jesus, I need you to take hold of me and calm my heart, it’s tired, confused, impatient, and I can’t center it or calm it, I need you to do it for me. Still my mind, calm my fears, control my worries, bring me back to utter faith in your promises to me. I want more than anything to just rest in you, to simply sit and drink in your presence. Help me not to be impatient, but to just rest knowing you’ve got control and it’s perfect.
You know what I need, you understand what I feel, you see what’s going on around me, and still you can still speak to me through the muddle of emotions, thoughts, and actions. I need you. Please show me what to do, exactly there is where I want to be. I want to be doing what you want from me, I want to go where you want me to, I want to BE who you want me to be. You alone, there alone is what I want. No matter where you take me, what I do, who I encounter… You there with me first, now, during, last, always.
I love you my Sweet Jesus.