So, the other day I was talking with a friend and we were talking about guys.. haha! We were talking about different ones and who is simply just a fantastic friend, one we look up to and cherish their presence in our life. Ones who are attractive in a variety of ways, the different qualities in each of our friends that we like and have since added to our “list.” Ones who serve as the opposite and cause us to “thanks but no thanks” when it comes to what we are looking for. And then of course the conversation about guys that inevitably involves giggles.
While talking we began meandering through not only what’s important to us, but also fears and how we handle them. I explained that I am very scared of repeating past mistakes, and sometimes I feel as though I AM the definition of insanity… repeating over and over the same type of guy, same qualities, same reactions, same role to play.. and yet expecting it to be different every time. When so far it is all disappointingly the same, including the heartbreak at the end and the struggle to regain what my heart lost.
Given the last time my heart was broken.. I’m not sure I would come out better because that was seriously dark, and I would never ever choose to go through it again… So, it sort of goes without saying that I’m terrified of a repeat. I’m scared of the “night” what I would feel, what I would allow Satan to totally get a hold of and sink his claws and teeth into… And, that I would need my daddy to intervene again because I wouldn’t be able to do it on my own… Just a lot of pain there that I can now more than a year later look back and see how it was used (thank goodness something good came from it), but I don’t want to have another time like it that can be used later… My heart just feels too fragile for that, like it’s being held together by strings that slowly are getting stronger, but any wrong bump could also still cause more damage than good.
So, in an attempt to explain it to my friend I said that I’ve built this 20ft wall with rock and mortar, a moat, gators.. and I’ll send out smoke signals… Which is more of an amusing way to explain it than anything.. and we joked about having razor wire and broken glass on the top, and there MIGHT be a bridge, but I’m more likely to just push them off it… We joked about the height of the wall saying that 7ft is a “good” height because it allows them to see in if they really stretch and jump… but that I’m way more comfortable with 20ft… After a bit we got serious and talked about the fact that all joking aside my wall is there, and I’ve become an expert at disguising it so that no one realizes it’s there. I don’t often tell someone “no I won’t allow you to know this or that about me”… so instead I dance around the topic or I give them an answer that will satisfy their question without going deeper or exposing a tender area.
Now, with all that said, I think it’s only fair to mention that my wall might be really tall and guarded very heavily… But, I have come a HUGE long distance from where I used to be. The things I hold and guard carefully aren’t nearly as large and complicated as they used to be, my walls no longer cover the circumference of Africa like they used to. 🙂 And, I have begun to share and allow people to help me.. which again is such a testament to me on how wonderful my Savior is, because I did NOT used to allow that 🙂 So, while this is all about how scared and careful I am with my fragile heart, I also realize I’m not nearly as scared and fragile as I used to be.. which gives confidence and assurance to the future.. which while still scary is covered in more hope than I used to realize.