So, I realize I tend to not focus completely on.. well everything.. I try, especially when it comes to people. I really do try to give them my undivided attention, even if it’s just for a few minutes. I just feel like if I look someone in the eyes and acknowledge them, remember what they told me, and just take a moment to connect, I feel like if nothing else, I gave them the most valuable thing I could for the moment. I’ve been known to be talking to someone, reach over and grab someone else that I needed to talk to without even looking at them, and just hold onto their sleeve, or their hand in order to keep them from walking away.. all while still focusing on my conversation with the person I was talking to. haha.. how’s that for multitasking?
Lets be honest, I’m NOT a linear thinker.. Never have been. I like to call myself a “pattern” thinker. haha. What that means is I have all the same pieces to my puzzle as you… I just don’t put them together in sequential order. lol
However, even still.. knowing all this I have had THE worst time focusing the last couple days. I mean work, conversations, etc… etc… I’ve discovered that the only real way to ensure I can focus at all is to.. well not focus. Sounds odd I admit, but the reality is for whatever reason I have to encourage my mind to not focus on one thing, but 3, 4, even 5 things in order to give each thing a moment of undivided attention, only to then jump to something else and back again. Even right now I have 8 windows open on my computer and I keep popping back and forth between them. Work, emails, IM’s, another work project, Google searches, paying bills, and back again.. I mean ridiculousness! Who does that?!
Last night I decided I was tired of myself.. I was tired of being unfocused, I was tired of not feeling like I had everything together like normal, I was tired of feeling like I was restless, so, I cleaned a bit, took my normal longer-than-it-should-take-anyone-ever to get ready for bed pace… Then, even though it was already midnight-thirty, and I had to be up in 6 hours, I read my Bible for a while, almost an hour in a half to be exact…
So, the real question then is, what’s bothering me? I dunno. I can’t tell you what the problem is. I don’t know why I have nothing wrong, but just feel… “off” in my spirit. I thought of calling a bunch of people to see if everything was ok, but decided that aside from my Dad and brothers, not many would be up or appreciate a 2am phone call for no real reason..
I’m not a fan of the “I dunno” feeling. The one where you can’t articulate anything actually wrong, but there’s just something off.. You can feel less patience inside, less focus (obviously), and you’re heart’s not necessarily heavy, but it’s not joyful either. It’s just a clear some thing’s not correct, but I don’t know what it is. It’s like a void inside.. a bubble that isn’t bad, but doesn’t indicate good either. So… I prayed about it asking God to reveal what I needed to know, when I need to know it, although I’d prefer for it to be sooner rather than later, but I’ll accept whatever I get.