I had one of the greatest conversations last night.. It started with prayer, and flowed from topic to topic, got interrupted, and flowed some more… for about 4 hours. It was just really great, I’m not sure how the time flew like it did, especially given how little sleep I’ve been getting and how late it was. But, the bottom line is, it was just wonderful.. and it got me thinking about how much I allow the past pains to dictate how I view myself currently. I really struggle allowing my view of myself to be the way God views my life and who I am.. aka who He created me to be.
I remember very vividly about a year in a half ago, I got my heart crushed to pieces by a guy who didn’t care enough to.. well care that he seriously wounded me… It was the first time in years and years that Satan grabbed my heart and my mind, and viciously tore me apart from the inside out… So much so, that i saw it, felt it, and couldn’t do a thing to stop it. It scared my dad and he said he was able to see the effects it was having on my thought process, my verbal ability, and my non-verbals.. He decided his only course of action was to re-direct my loathing from myself to him… That did not end well, and merely added to the pain and frustration. It was the first time in years upon years that we screamed at each other.. all the while, he was doing it on purpose to make sure I stayed focused on him instead of myself. That night is one of the most painfully vivid nights that I can remember, not so much because of anything my dad did or said, but because it was compounded by my already injured heart. I can’t remember everything that was said, but I can remember each emotion that went through me, and I can remember sitting on my bed and the thoughts that went through my head while my dad and I argued and screamed. Once it was resolved my dad hugged me and explained what he had done, and we resolved to not do that again because while I realize what he was doing was a desperate attempt to protect and save me, I needed a different approach. I cannot explain how much I appreciate knowing he has that kind of love for me… Not many will willingly take my wrath, especially knowing what’s coming and not caring because that seems the better option.. whoa.
But, through it all it took me almost 6 months to recover enough to be confident again. I mean I put on my facade so with in a week or so, most didn’t pick up anything was wrong anymore. That whole instance was simply the last of a long string of times I’ve been injured by a guy who has lied or decided I wasn’t enough… And, while that is a constant struggle with me, I’ve begun to realize it’s less about being enough.. and more about who I am through Jesus, and who I can love because of the past experiences.
I can sit back and remember the pain as though it was yesterday, but I also feel like the pain is simply a memory instead of an actual visceral reaction in my heart. I’ve grown sooo much because of the pain I’ve experienced, I’ve learned a lot about who I am, who I was never meant to be, and how through it all I’m not supposed to do it.. God is. I’m supposed to not be able to handle it or be enough, and I’m not supposed to be able to do it on my own. If I could, I wouldn’t desperately need my Savior. I would have no need to cling to Him and His love and grace in my life… I would have no need to seek Him when I’m hurting or feeling lonely and like I’m a miserable failure. So, through it all, it’s been a great reminder of my totally inadequate ability to handle things on my own.. which is what I tend towards.
I have a really hard time explaining to people my deep innate need inside of me for how much I rely on and need my Sweet Jesus. I cannot express to you how much I look to Him and cling to His love for me… I wish you could experience it because it’s what everyone should have.. It’s humbling, it’s scary, it’s hard, but it’s never a disappointment… I promise.
I tend towards the “I can handle this on my own” mentality.. I’m independent, and I know I operate that way. If something needs to get done, I do it because I can so why wait? What I’m realizing is just cause I can doesn’t mean I have to or even should… It’s ok to not. Weird.