Home To Me…

How do you know you’re where God wants you? I dunno if this is true for everyone, but it’s where you feel home is. When I was thinking of moving to VA for this job, they took me up to the city I’d most likely be living in, and while we were driving through the city I kept thinking “what would I do if this were my home now?” Nothing about it felt particularly grabbing… or foreign, and yet I felt like “ok, well if this is it, I can do it if You help me.” Well.. ok I didn’t actually say that, but my heart said it to God as we drove..

When I went home this past weekend to visit my family and be in my roomie’s wedding it was so completely familiar… Smelled the same, looked the same (except the yellow they painted!!), same people, same sounds.. it was all the same. I felt the love and caring that is a trademark of my family.. and yet, it wasn’t the same anymore. I think this weekend I realized how completely in the center of God’s will I am in being where I am. I am exactly where I’m supposed to be, as chaotic, hectic, and fast paced it is.. As much as I miss my family, and wish they were closer… As much as it kills me to not be able to be around to fix problems on a daily basis… I am where I’m supposed to be. I am Home here. I am where God has placed me… I don’t know completely why, and I don’t know for how long, and I’m not even sure if I’m doing what I’m supposed to be doing to the degree I’m supposed to be doing it. All I know is, I’m following my heart, and I’m allowing my natural flow of actions and reactions to take over… because otherwise I become frustrated and lazy. So, home is here now. I’m not really completely sure what that means, and part of my heart feels like that’s sad because that means home is no longer where my family is… But, I am not drawn to their mission like I used to be, I do not desire to change things that we were involved in like I used to… In fact, while I was there I kept thinking “what opportunities am I missing at home?”… which was my first clue.. and then I kept thinking “I wonder if so and so was able to…” just wondering if things got accomplished, if someone was there to care for them, if someone showed them love… It also became increasingly difficult to explain what I’m doing, what I love, who different people are, and why they are so essential to me right now.. I had a hard time explaining the places I’ve seen God work, and the things He’s done inside of me.. I hate that.

So, while part of me is now sad that I no longer feel like I need to be at home with my family.. part of me is relieved because I can focus all of my attention… which really is a misnomer because “all” really doesn’t mean everything haha 🙂 It really means “the majority” because I can never just stop reconnecting with people I love at places I’ve been… I can never just stop trying to help them… It’s just different when you realize you’re doing exactly what you’re supposed to… exactly when you’re supposed to..

So, for all the good and bad implied.. Home is where I am right now, and I am thankful and grateful for it. I do however wish all the other people I love so dearly who don’t live here.. would move here.. Ok, the end. 🙂

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