I think it’s better to start this one out by saying that I never write on this blog while I’m mad, I’m still slightly frustrated at the whole situation I’m about to share, but I’m not longer mad.
Sometimes, I think people use my joyful personality and my laughter as a reason to assume a lot of things. Both things about my intentions and things about what I do or what I think. I get told all the time I’m “deeper” than people first thought, or I am more this or less that than people initially thought. I do not mind being underestimated at all, in fact sometimes I enjoy the ability to be able to hide areas if I want to. Either way, there are areas of me that pretty much stay just for me unless a specific reason arises for it to come out. Not that I’m purposefully hiding that part of me, it just have no reason to come out. I forget a lot of these areas until they come out, especially here in VA away from people who have seen me in these different areas for various reasons.
Most everyone knows that I have a lot of friends, I’ve mentioned it multiple times, and I’ve spent lots of time talking about how important they are to me and how much I love them all for different reasons. What most do not realize is I am fiercely defensive of my friends and extremely loyal. This defensive loyalty comes out in several different ways. Sometimes, it comes out as me just going way out of my way to care for them or love on them, other times it comes out as me just sitting there when they need an ear, or if they need support in a conversation with someone else… And, then there are the few times when I kick into protection mode. Whether that’s protection of them, or protection of the friendship itself for whatever reason.
Recently I have found myself in a situation where I feel like I have to protect a friendship I have. I do not really know how much it comes across.. but, I’m FIERCELY loyal and protective of my friends, almost in any sense of the word. And, in this situation it’s not a protect the person kind, cause this person is perfectly capable, able, and willing to protect themselves, but for whatever reason other people have taken it upon themselves to, not maliciously in their intentions, but they have taken it upon themselves to step in and question the motives in the friendship from almost every side. The thing that makes it the most frustrating is, at no point have our answers been inconsistent or changed, and each time it comes up, they push for more information, almost as though they expect to get a different answer if they push deeper.. Then there are times when it comes across (whether they mean it to or not) as though they feel like we’re either lying to them or fooling ourselves about what’s really going on.
Yesterday, this all came to a culmination when yet another person questioned what was going on.. and the WHOLE time both of our answers have been “nothing,” yet apparently it isn’t the answer they were looking for or expecting. Which caused my friend and I to have to yet another discussion of everything to figure out what we’re doing wrong, either in the way we are communicating it to others, with each other, what they are saying, how we’re feeling (or not feeling), the possible ways we can avoid any further problems etc..etc.. It was a great conversation because yet again we are on the same page, and nothing was left to wondering. I think the thing that I find the most frustrating is through it all, nothing has changed, yet no matter how much these other people keep pushing our friendship has stayed the same, and yet they still keep pushing it as though it is now suddenly different. We communicate about it all, which helps because then nothing is getting “planted” in either of our minds that can fester and potentially cause problems later about “what if the other one…” We have kept the lines of communication open and clear, which has allowed me to truly just trust that everything is exactly as I have perceived it all along. And, regardless of the questions I know beyond any shadow of doubt, I have an accurate picture of our friendship.. that is just that, a friendship.
Through this whole thing, I seriously wanted to kick people in the face. I was so mad because I feel as though they are trying to cause division. Which, if I am honest, I really do NOT think they are doing it on purpose, with a malicious intent, or with the goal of hurting our friendship.. I really don’t believe that’s the goal of any of them.. but, what makes me get so frustrated is that it comes across as though they refuse to accept “nothing is going on” to their questions. Almost as though they just don’t want to believe what we’re telling them.
Through it all, the one thing that has really just kept me sane is the fact that my friend and I have been able to maintain our open honesty about these topics, we have communicated, things have stayed consistent, and things have not been able to “fester” or get planted in our minds which could cause doubt or a wedge in our friendship.
I want to take a minute to brag about this particular friend of mine… I cannot express how much this friend means to me. To start, from the beginning they have taken the role of being my family and me being theirs seriously. There’s a level of understanding that we have and above all of it we keep that “you are my family” perspective. This friend pushes me when I need to be pushed, they encourage me to learn how to be vulnerable in a mature way, they constantly refer back to our Savior for problems and insecurities. This friend has taken it upon themselves to ensure that I can rely on them like I do my family back home. The level of comfort and honesty we are able to maintain allows me to trust them even when my past experiences have caused bad habits in terms of how to react to different situations. Even when I doubt something they have said or done, I can look back and see the proof that this person cares deeply for me regardless of the emotions I am currently applying to the situation. I can also look and see that through it all, they have maintained the course and been consistent. They have become family, and they have allowed me to be family for them… which is what I need when I do not have my family here. They have called me out when I need it, and argued to the bitter end when I need them to. Yet, through it all, they have also allowed it to be a two way friendship, which lets me see and know we both are invested in the friendship. God has clearly used each one of us to help the other grow and see God in a new and different way, we have had seriously marathon discussions about God and different things in the Bible, and this friend has allowed me to think out loud to work my way through my thoughts and bounce ideas off of them.
This friend was sent to me by God, clearly. God knew that I needed this person to help me grow and learn in a new way. I am thankful every single day for this friend, and for the open honest friendship we maintain.I will defend and protect that friendship fiercely as long as I have to.
So, a special thank you to this friend who has helped me grow and learn and move forward. You have shown me more about God and friendships and caring for others than I can accurately express to you, and I am so unbelievably thankful to God for your friendship… Which is all there is and ever has been. Thanks friend.