So, I was talking earlier with one of my best friends and I was telling her about all the areas I feel I’m growing.. or more specificically the areas I feel like God is growing me. I was explaining to her my fears and the things I am worried about and how I feel like God is shaping and molding me despite my hang ups. At this particular time, I am not going into my fears because they are pretty specific, and not beneficial for anyone… but, I don’t mind sharing the ways God is growing me… I feel that’s a better focus anyway since my fears are not substantiated at all.. just my human imperfect side showing up.
“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” – Anais Nin
I kinda feel like this quote is a good representation of what’s going on right now. I remember back in the late fall early winter that I felt like God was growing me at an exponential rate… At times, I felt like my learning curve was STRAIGHT UP. I really felt like I was not allowed to have a curve… just to move up. Today, I feel the same… Or I guess lately I have the same feeling, only now it’s in a completely different area than it was in the late fall early winter.
Currently, I feel like I am meant to grow and mature on the side of independence/dependence. It’s weird because it is not an area I ever really felt like I had an issue with. I mean I have always known I am independent. As a child, if my brother could do it so could I… So, I learned to read at 4, write cursive at 6, started martial arts at 7.. etc.. etc.. I didn’t really think about it, I just did it if he could do it. I have always loved my independence, I appreciate my ability to go and do, my adventurous side is one of the qualities I enjoy about who I am. My ability to go and do cause God said so… I am proud of the fact that for the most part I am capable. Not an iron fortress that needs no one.. but someone who pulls my own weight most of the time.
After high school, and especially after college I began to realize that my natural instinct towards independence sometimes needs to be tapered to allow others to flourish or just because it is better for me to be dependent. But, even still, it was not a big deal, a few minor areas here and there. There are maybe a hand full of times that I can remember when I had to choose to be dependent instead of independent, I mean really, not anything big… Just things like allowing a guy to open a door for me.. lol I mean honestly minor things.
And then, I moved here.. the land of I-didn’t-think-I-needed-to-grow-but-have-no-choice-now. And suddenly, I have all these areas that make me feel like a midget in the land of tall (metephocically speaking of course lol). Now, I am faced with choices daily of whether I want to fight my natural instinct of taking care of things myself or if I plan on being dependent on others…
Honestly, the hardest part is that most of the time I just do not think about what I am doing long enough to realize I am choosing independence over dependence. And, I am not just talking in terms of guy/girl relationsions… I do it all over the place for virtually everyone. But, the thing that is kinda funny is I push others to be dependent on me, I encourage them to lean on me and let me do things for them… and in some areas with some people I have gotten really good at reciprocating that. But, then there are these other areas where I just really struggle with it.. and I mean I fight. I will fight to keep my independence.. for honestly no reason at all. The only thing I can come up with is maybe I am used to it, and have “always done it this way.” Which is an excuse I HATE.
So… Right now I’m a bud turning to a flower because it’s just not acceptable to be a bud anymore…