Sometimes I just feel like my heart is a ping pong ball… I don’t know that it always shows, but I feel like it’s all over the place, especially recently. Maybe because I am really tired, maybe because of new situations that have come up, new challenges that have arrived, or maybe just because I haven’t had a chance to re-group, and won’t for a while… Either way I feel drained inside.
I realized the other day that I have not had as much time with Jesus as I used to or would like.. That would explain a lot of the inconsistency I am feeling I think. I feel like I am taking time and spending it with Him just enough to sustain me for the day, but not nearly the amount I want or even feel like I need every day… Like I am on the verge of starving.. but not quite.
I have these moments where I laugh like crazy because I have some hysterical friends, they love me and it shows. And then, I have these moments where my heart just hurts… and honestly feels like it’s bleeding again because of things going on. And then, without warning my heart will be back to normal… What the heck.
I definitely am having to do constant heart checks to make sure I am not freaking or spazzing for no reason at all. But, like I said, I am not totally sure how much it shows or is externally expressed. All I know is, it is there, and I am having to be very careful because, I do not want my emotions to be an excuse for reacting poorly to various situations in my life.
The thing is.. I am not really feeling the desire to talk about it.. Again, I am pretty sure it is just my inconsistency talking, and maybe it is just a surge of independence.. And, I realize I am an external processor, but I also feel like this is just something that needs to.. I guess float for a bit and God needs to chat with me about it for a while before I trapes off and talk about it with people.
Sometimes, I feel as though there are some people who have these hidden agendas when they enter into a friendship with me or with others around me.. Not hidden as in bad or with malicious intent.. just something they are not admitting to me (or the other person) or maybe to themselves.. I dunno. I struggle with those friendships or people I guess, in part because I think I tend to assume the worst based off past friendships, and in part because they require a lot of energy that I just simply do not feel I have at this point. I cannot stand being lied to, regardless of how tiny.. I mean there’s a significant difference between telling someone you do not want to talk or the timing is just bad… and straight up lying about whatever it is.
Recently, I have discovered that, I really struggle when people try to push their way into a friendship or into me trusting them. It is not even on my terms or with my best interest at heart.. just whatever they feel, want, or think I need. Almost as though regardless of what I tell them I want or need, they have it made up in their mind what it should play out to look like… Whether it is with them directly or with someone else I am friends with. And, lets be honest, the opposite happens, I begin to want to shut off from them and push them away because it turns into this constant push for me to let them in and trust them, instead of a natural progression.. I don’t feel like they have earned the right for me to share or allow them to take care of me.. I dislike it because allowing someone to take care of me is me being vulnerable with them. As odd as it sounds, I do not like people taking care of me if I don’t trust them, I prefer my independence.. Granted, I realize there is a lot of fear involved here, and I know that, and I am ok with this because God and I are working on things from my end.
I sorta feel like a skiddish deer or wild animal, and forcing me to do something really is not ever going to work.. But, coaxing and allowing me the chance to decide allows me the chance to choose instead of being forced. Right now, I am tired and I feel like I need to fight to maintain the space I need… Never a good place to start.
I just need my Jesus right now.. That much is clear.