So, Here’s the thing.. I am always one of those types of people that’s strong. I have grown up pretty much my entire life playing the role as the stronger friend… I honestly did not think much of it, just assume it as my role, and I take it on with zeal like I do pretty much everything else in my life. 🙂
Here’s what I know… God is in a constant state of molding me and re-building me.. Totally a potter/clay relationship here… I always can see His hand in things, molding me and changing my heart in various ways in a whole slew of different areas. Sometimes I am ridiculously slow at learning.. and other times it was pointed out that maybe God moves as slow as He does in order to make sure I am getting molded instead of broken… Which was definitely an interesting thought.. that makes sense at the same time.
But, at this particular instance I feel like God and I are dancing.. Blind.. well, no.. I am blind and He’s leading fully able to see… Once this concept was pointed out to me, I felt something click inside me. Something inside of me suddenly recognized where I was fighting my Savior and I began to relax and allow myself to be lead. I remembered how unimportant it is for me to see where He’s leading me, but that it is so much more important for me to relish in the fact that He IS moving me, and that through it all He is still holding me and guiding me.
I am in constant conflict between my logical side and my emotional side. Whenever I have a severely emotional reaction to something, my logic tends to argue with it in order to figure out where the emotion is legit, and where I am being a retarded girl who needs to check my thoughts. I tend to keep pretty tight constraints on my emotional side in order to ensure that I am not allowing that to rule, or react in an inappropriate or unfair to others way. I really feel as though, even if others CAN handle my emotional tirades, they should not HAVE to handle them… It is something I need to control and be careful of.. not something they have to learn to handle.
I mean do not get me wrong.. I fail on this more often than I would like to admit, but it is seriously something I am working on with intention. Lets be honest, I am one of the most easily excitable people ever.. and I tend to vent at loud volumes, but all that is different than allowing my emotions to control the things I say in that state. I hate watching people react to things I have said because of an out of control emotional response that I did not check with my logical rational side. I hate watching others do that to each other.. and the excuse of “you’re a girl, it’s ok for you to say out of control hurtful things” .. No, that’s NOT an excuse. I know I am more emotional than most guys simply because I am a girl, I am aware that my hormones play a role (what girl is not aware of that?!).. but seriously.. that does not give me a free pass to lash out at people because I “feel like it” .. no no.
It is interesting though, because through all of this I have had several conversations with different people recently talking about this topic, and they have helped me hash out the why’s behind all of it. I love hearing their different perspectives and realizing how in certain areas I am still very guarded and wounded because of things people have done or said… Which allows me the chance to see it and grow, allow God to change and heal my heart some more. One friend and I were discussing this, because at the moment it was pertinent information for our conversation. My friend told me a couple times that it is ok to be emotional I am a girl after all.. and my friend insisted they could handle it.. and while I appreciate the incredible thoughtfulness… just because my friends CAN handle it.. does not mean they should ever have to handle it. At one point in our conversation my friend pointed out that it is ok for me to rely on them and be vulnerable and weak…
Instantly, my mind I went through all the reasons why it was not ok for me to be weak and vulnerable.. Which, to be honest kinda caught me off guard. It has been a really long time since I have had a thought like that… Apparently, I am not as far past this trust issue as I thought or hoped, at least in certain areas.. (Dang it.) Because of this, and because I am an external processor I told my friend that I simply do not know HOW to rely on others when it comes to being weak and vulnerable. I am just used to being the stronger friend, the solid one, the loyal one… I am unaccustomed to being the weaker or more vulnerable one.. It is definitely an odd feeling for me. When I am hurt or emotional, my way of coping is to clamp down on my emotions, more so in an effort to make sure I am understanding the reality of the situation, and not just the perceived situation based on my clouded emotional state. Sometimes in certain areas, I think I do alright, but in others, I simply do not do well at all. But, I also pointed out to my friend they they are one person telling me it is ok, and whether they are right or not, I have had others.. potentially hundreds of other people either in action or words contradicting them… I mean, do not get me wrong, I have several friends who are faithful, loyal, trustworthy, and have done more to restore my heart than I can accurately portray in words. God has put particular people in my life to heal and restore various areas of my heart, and I am so unbelievably thankful to God for these friends. But, in any case, it causes me to be even more careful not to be the one hurting them, but helping them heal from whatever hurt they are dealing with. I realize that these other people are fallen as well, hurt, and wounded individuals.. healing and moving past those hurts is no easy feat.. it is a slow and arduous task even once you realize their reaction is based off of hurt and pain of their own, but it is worth it in the end once God has healed and made these things new in my heart.