So, I was talking with one of my roomies via some form of online chat… (we don’t often get to be at home at the same time so we resort to technology to stay connected lol) And, she asked me how my “such a girl” thing was coming, so we began talking about it and the things I was sure about and the things I am not so sure about. For example, I am sure I love being a girl haha.. simple, easy, no doubts.. I would never want to be a boy (whew!). I am so thankful I was created tall, athletic, loud (sorry if anyone finds it obnoxious), an infectious laughter, animated, capable, strong willed, determined, etc..etc.. (the list is rather long when I think about it).
But, what about the things I dislike? Once we were talking about it, the thing I hate is pretty simply when I am lumped in with the general populous (especially of girls) in a negative way. I find myself going the extra mile to make sure I am set apart, unique, different.. whatever word you want to give to it, I dislike it when some other girl’s shortcomings are lumped onto me and assumed I have the same problems. But, lets be honest, we all do it.. and I know I do it, especially if someone reminds me of someone else either in they way they look or mannerisms. Somehow I associate the two as the same and treat them unfairly due to the downfalls of someone else… I mean obviously this can work the other way around too, and we can think better of someone, or connect with them quicker because of someone else in our life who is a person of significance to us.
So.. Here it is, my biggest issue is, when I am seen as weak, unable, unequal, etc.. etc.. The weird thing is I have no problems sitting before my Savior and pouring out my weakness, asking Him to help me, save me, heal me, restore me, carry me, etc..etc.. no problems admitting those things to Him… In my mind.. In my prayers.. when no one else has to know. Granted, there are a certain number of people that I am totally ok being “not ok” with. My family and several friends, I am ok being weak around because I know from experience it does not lower their view of me or cause them to start treating me as less than capable. I have also come to the point that I will admit when things are bad or not going well if asked, but I do not often volunteer that information… but at least I have grown enough to realize lying about it is entirely the WRONG approach to the situation. I have gotten to the place in my life where I realize I need to be transparent and allow those around me to see the imperfection that is my life on its own, and then see the redemption that is my life when Christ steps in and saves me and fixes things. I have become much more intentional in this area simply for the reason that I do not want to push people away from me or from Jesus because I have pretended to have it all together. I no longer expect people to reciprocate (although I never complain if they do 🙂
In all honesty.. my transparency is totally intentional.. and totally on my own terms. I can think of times that I did not listen to the pull at my heart to share and connect with someone when they needed me to.. And, I can think of times that I felt I should share and didn’t because I didn’t know for SURE the person needed to hear me say something.. Sad day.
With this revelation, I still hate being seen as weak and unable. But, now I am starting to realize that this is not my place to determine. I AM weak and unable far more often than I let on… and it is not my place to decide how those around me take it. My hope and prayer, truly from the very core of who I am is, that in all of this I can be a graceful mix of weak and unable, yet strong and capable because of my Savior’s role in my life, and that it will be evident that that is all that makes the difference.
When people look at me, I want them to see grace and beauty. I want them to see the me that Jesus created… but only because He is so ridiculously evident in every fiber of my life that it is apparent He is the only reason I am who I am. I want people to be able to see who I am despite who I am… if that makes any sense at all. I mean I want them to truly get it when they see me… temper and all.. I want them to see who I could be, but am not because Jesus has decided to make me and grow me into so much more.
I don’t really know what that looks like right now… And, that is ok. I don’t need to know until it is time to know…