So, today has just been one of those days. It started fine, exercising before it was light out.. shower, head to work.. fight in order to not fall asleep because last night I slept terrible. That should have been my first clue. I never reached REM sleep.. in fact every 30 minutes or so I would wake up and either look at the clock or try to get comfortable, warm, whatever. Anyway, on my way to work I listened to several chapters of the Bible and then switched to worship music. The entire way I just felt ridiculously tired…
Once I was at work I commenced doing random things, but I was blah, assuming it was still just tired, and taking mental note that I need more sleep tonight…
Then we had staff meeting, long, mostly not information for me, but I was taking notes regardless. Then an outburst came… thus enter terrible day… Mid outburst and defense.. and rebuttal.. and anger I jumped in to try and mediate proving that both sides had valid arguments and to be totally honest both were justified in their feelings (although one side was not communicating that well at all). Eventually the topic got canned.. maybe too later, who knows.. Had lunch, discovered several people were very uncomfortable with the way things transpired.
So, in my I’m not afraid of people or confrontational way I really felt like I needed to talk to the main culprit of the anger in the entire thing. So, a couple hours later I went and asked about a couple things then casually said “maybe your reaction was a little over the top early?” Instantly I was confronted with anger towards me, suddenly I was a liar and a backstabber and how dare I feel like I can jump in the middle. I begin explaining my intentions and correcting the things I did not in fact say, but were simply misunderstood. Apologized if what I said was misunderstood etc..etc.. But, either way this person decided I should just go away because they have no use talking to me…. So, what do I do?.. Sit down.
That set them off, they began into me about how I have no business talking and sharing my opinion because I am to young to understand. Everything I said was a lie anyway and they knew that for a fact… and I have no business sitting down what in the world do I think I’m doing. I just looked at them, and finally was like “We will resolve this, so I will sit here until we do.” Apparently still not the best action because they went on and on about whatever.. and finally I jumped in and was like “ok, you need to realize you did not understand what I said..” so I proceeded to explain what I said (almost verbatim, then an explanation of the intentions, and the things I did not actually say regardless of what they interpreted me to have said. I also explained that it may not be in their best interest to assume I do not know what I am talking about, because regardless they know nothing of my past.. not even past jobs, so although I am young they should not foolishly assume that means I know nothing.
They proceeded to complain about all the things that are wrong, and I countered with all the things that could be better if they utilized resources. After a bit of chit chat I got up to leave, and I calmly said “oh, and for future reference… Don’t call me a liar ever again. If you don’t understand, or need clarification that’s totally fine. But, don’t ever call me a liar.” They get this sly look on their face and retort with “Why? what would you do chop me?”
*pause* … Whatever would make them think that is a valid threat, when they have never heard me even jokingly say it is beyond me… Especially in a professional work environment. The only thing I can gather is that they have decided the type of person I am is one who uses intimidation to get my way… Sad day.
I just looked at them and said “No, I would never do that. But I will go over you if you do it again.”
After that there was really no salvaging the day. I spent the rest of my work day fighting with not only the emotions of the staff meetings, and then the irritation and anger at being called a liar..
I spent more than half the ride home in silence just talking to Jesus about how I felt and all the things I did not like about what had happened, the things that caused it, and the things I am totally helpless to change. I think the thing that makes it the most frustrating is the issues would be so easy to fix, if people would listen to me.
Jesus, I can’t fix this. I can’t make them change or want to change even… I can’t even make them understand. I don’t know what to do, and I’m not even totally sure how to feel about everything. All I know is I am weak and unable to do anything.