I don’t know what the issues is but the last couple weeks have been really rough. No major issues, but lots and lots of little ones. Most of them have centered around people disliking the way I communicate, and in some cases (although they would not admit it if asked I am sure) they dislike my style and pattern of thinking. Somewhere along the way I have begun to see people’s inconsistent thought patterns and logic… It is situations like this that make me feel as though I am a crazy person. Partially because they all seem to come out of the blue, and would have been easily solved had I known about them earlier. I feel like I have done more explaining and defending of who I am, why I respond the way I do or think the way I do in the last couple weeks then I have in a very long time. It is really tiring and eats at my emotions more than a lot of things.. It has taken a lot of inner control to keep responding in the ways I am supposed to because I have felt on the verge of tears for almost a week now just purely out of frustration for things I cannot change or people I cannot get to understand… Mostly the frustration for people I cannot get to understand.
It has been an interesting time period for several reasons, but I have inadvertently been learning a lot about self control, being quick to listen and slow to speak, as well as, what it means to have your feelings all over the place and responding the way that you are supposed to regardless of the inner roller coaster.. And, I am not talking about stuffing my feelings away and pretending like they do not matter or somehow diminishing my own value. I am purely talking about the idea that my feelings are not always right, nor do they lead to responding in a way that would make Jesus proud.. So, I have begun taking a serious look at that, because I do not ever desire to be the person who is always right, especially if it comes at the expense of others. I want those around me to feel important and heard regardless of the situation. I hate when my reactions get the best of me.. I was explaining to a friend after a particularly stressful couple hours how my instinctive reaction is to chuck whatever I have in my hand at the person making me mad or to get up and walk out… or say a whole slew of other things, but, the bottom line is, I do not have that luxury. As someone who loves Jesus, I do not get to decide those things, even when I am mad I need to make every attempt to convey love and care. So, while my instinctive reaction is one that is heated and in reality over the top, my actual reaction is and cannot be anywhere close to that…
It is interesting though, when I sit and think about all the various things have happened over the last couple weeks.. some have been great, I have had some great conversations, some good moments of talking about Jesus with people, lots and lots of laughter, and moments of total boredom. I had a friend point out that she has not felt this beat up in a long time.. and I realized I totally resonated with that thought… She followed up that comment with “I must be doing something right…” So true. Later we talked about a whole bunch of different topics, but we stayed in the vicinity of insecurities and people’s perceptions of us. I have discovered that a lot of people have encouraged me to be transparent in the last year.. so I chose to be.. and now I am finding that most of the viewpoint they have of me centers around my insecurities instead of seeing the whole picture that is me. Almost as though, they do not take into consideration or observation the fact that while I have insecurities, and while there are moments it feels like I am overtaken by them, most of the time however, the insecurities do not play a major role in my life, interactions or thought process. I just do not think of them most of the time.
Couple good things though through all of this, I have several absolutely amazing friends. My God loves me. I get to go home and be around my family and best friends from there this weekend. I got a ridiculously sweet note from a friend reminding me of a couple things I had sorta begun to forget… My God is still God.