I am so frustrated. The last couple days have been really rough, and it is not because of any single situation or person, but several loaded on top of one another.
I hate when I feel like this… I am well acquainted with these feelings, but it does not make them any better. The bottom line is right now I am just hurting. I am working very hard at not progressing to getting pissed at the various situations or people, especially the ones I know I am partially to blame for the problem. The worst part of the issues are, I cannot fix any of these situations. I cannot make them better, I cannot take back anything I have done, and even though I have apologized for the things I have done wrong (that I was aware of), it does not make the situation gone.
One of the bigger situations was a prime example of miscommunication and misunderstanding. Both of us stopped trying like we normally do, and just waited for the other one to come to us. We both took things and assumed what we wanted instead of asking questions or seeking the other out like we normally do. We became consumed with our own world and hurt and basically forgot to reach out and lean on each other. But, regardless in the midst of all of it, we were both hurting and the lack of communication caused the hurt to deepen on both ends. After a long… long argument, we got through it all, and I think both realized part of it had really nothing to do with each other as much as it did our own situations.. And, being the best friends that we are, and the history we have, we know it is safe to react poorly… even though reacting poorly is never a good idea, we will always love each other and we know that, even in the midst of everything.
Another situation, I have no idea how to fix. I honestly feel like the person is choosing to “show me a lesson” or “punish” me for whatever offense they feel I have committed or in whatever way they feel I have wronged them. I am frustrated beyond belief for a lot of things that are just not appropriate to post on a blog for anyone to read. The sucky part is, I have no idea what is truly going on, what caused the reactions, and regardless of what I potentially have done, it does not warrant the reaction I am getting… Knowing the person it is on purpose, and it just adds to the hurt.
I found out yesterday another good friend I had in college has apparently decided to ex-communicate me. We were not super close for most of college, mainly because I did not know them… But, the last couple years of college, they became one of my mentors, solid, dependable, caring… etc..etc.. The type that would drive hours to be your support if you asked. They spent hours upon hours with me talking about various things, perspectives on life, Jesus, the World, ministry, caring about others. We did missions trips together and honestly made a great team. And then, suddenly the phone number I have goes to someone else, I am no longer a facebook friend.. and thus have no way of communicating with them unless I hunt them down at the last place I knew that they worked at. To add to it, a really great mutual friend of the two of us still has the ability to contact them, which means I was intentionally removed from their life. Awesome.
Then to add to all of this I started out the week with a couple very highly intense situations. I am not going to go into detail, just in the midst of everything else it makes life stressful. Enough so that I am clenching my jaw again while I am sleeping, and I have to intentionally not clench my jaw while I am awake… My mouth hurts.
So.. Now, where am I at? Wanting to cry. I just really feel helpless and hurt in a lot of these situations. I am a fixer, even if I cannot fix, usually I can help, offer support, advice, something. But, I have no idea what to do.
The thing that I am really fighting right now is not allowing myself the ability to get pissed off and react poorly. I am also very much fighting reverting back to the old thought processes and insecurities. For the sake of exposing things in the light.. here are a few of my thoughts I KNOW are NOT true, but I am seriously fighting the emotions and thoughts of anyway…
~Maybe if I just push everyone away or pull away from everyone, it will keep pain like this from reoccurring in my life.
~These are more examples added to the case of why I am not good enough.
~Maybe if I tried harder, cared less, was more loving, less abrasive, sought them out more, was more intentional about being in their life, they would see me, and want me in their life as a friend.
~Beyond this I begin to revert back to things like “I knew I would get hurt again.” “It’s my fault for being _______ or not enough ________” I literally can fill those blanks with everything.
~I’ll just grit and bare it, and eventually it will be ok and the hurt will go away.
~I should try harder, maybe I have gotten too lazy.
~Maybe if I was better at ____________ things would be different.
These are just a few of them…
But, let me be clear for a second time, none of these are things I am believing. These are lies, and I recognize them as that… This is not a crisis needing someone to intervene before I do something stupid type moment. I know these are not truths, and I know that Jesus is working. He is moving, and He will be glorified through everything. All of these thoughts are things that used to be serious strongholds in my life, and the pain I am currently feeling is very familiar, and with that familiarity comes the habitual thoughts that used to come with them. I am battling the thoughts in my head, praying over them, and recognizing the lies that are trying to seep into my heart and beliefs once again.
So… Now what?.. Pray. Talk to my Sweet Savior and allow His Truths to wash over my mind and heart. I accept this pain, these trials.. whatever He asks me to. I do not have the mentality of “why me?” because it not only does no good, but it also contradicts prayers of “I’ll do anything for you” …. Knowing these things does not lessen the pain, it is still there and still real, but it changes the view of darkness. Knowing morning will come eventually never changes being in the cold darkness that is night, it just changes the perspective on the situation. So, my perspective is that God WILL be glorified. I will screw up and admit it, and I will grow, and I will become more of the person I am supposed to be. But, usually that means some pain too, which I would rather have than be who I used to be for the sake of avoiding any pain at all.
Lord please help me and cover me in you.