What do you say to the Creator of everything when you hurt so deep down in your core that you don’t have words that express the feelings?… I dunno, but that’s how I have been feeling.
I keep looking back at the last few months and I remember lots of pain and frustration involved. No one thing has caused any of it, and no one person caused the problems.. It, like always, is a mixture of one thing on top of another. I think I have finally come to the point of realizing I have just had enough, I am not happy with most anything right now.. Or, maybe a better way to describe it is, whether caused by some stupid blunder on my part or someone else, there is nothing in my life that isn’t being effected and causing me to cry out to my Savior.
I feel like a crazy person.
I cannot explain the pain or frustration I feel. And, I cannot put into words all the little ways God is molding and adjusting me.. In part because it is incredibly intimate, and then because it is incredibly hard and painful. I have definitely had the “when is enough?” thought more than a few times… And, I do not mean this flippantly, or because I feel so persecuted or anything like that.. Just because my life seems to be filled to overflowing of “just one more thing” I have to deal with, work through, let go of.. Something virtually every single day comes into my view that threatens to just take over.. my emotions go spastic, and it takes me a while and a lot of praying and thinking through the logical reality in order for my emotions not to run away with me.. So that I do not say things I want to.. Or react the way I soo would love to..
I do not feel like responding to people well. I do not feel like letting everything I say and do bring Honor and Glory to my Savior. I do not want to think about the fact that I could have said or handled something better. I do not want to do anything but be selfish and focused on me…
And then, I cry… I have cried more in the last week then I did in ALL of 2009… haha awesome. I love how Jesus speaks to my heart though. To just come and sit with Him. To be still and know He has it all together if I would just take a moment and breathe, and let Him hold me. If I would just allow Him the chance to help me it would be better, I would feel better. Just give Him the chance to speak to my heart and do what He needs inside me… Life would just get easier, not become perfectly wrapped up in a 30 minute episode, but I would not be so stressed, aggravated, frustrated, overwhelmed, annoyed, or so close to giving up and cutting ties.
I have no words to pray. I have no way of telling Him what I am feeling or needing, so most of my prayers have been me just sorta presenting my feelings and heart to Him and telling Jesus I need Him to do something about it. I have no idea if that is how He works.. but it’s all I have right now.
I love my Savior, there is no doubt… But, life is just hard right now.