I for years have struggled with the “you’re such a girl” remark.. the idea that someone would think I was like “those” girls was revolting to me. I have always hated that someone would think my emotions ruled me instead of my logic and understanding. I have always despised each of the moments in my life where emotions clearly took over and I was thinking and processing through emotions instead of logic.
Today I had a moment.. am having a moment. I would be lying if I tried to claim it was a come and go with the passing wind type thing. Instead, it came like a hurricane.. and is choosing to sit and stay a while.
I have not experienced this type of gut wrenching fear of an emotion in almost 2 1/2 years.. What is interesting to me, is the experience is almost like cutting your hand really badly, and being fascinated by the pain and blood.. Not for any other reason then it being odd.. This emotion is so intimately familiar, yet I have not experienced it in such a long time that I feel like I am turning it over and over tenderly, going through it once again.
I sometimes am amazed at how visceral things can be for me. I tend to pride myself in my attempts at being logical, think and process my way through something.. But, then out of nowhere an old fear will return and I am reminded my Jesus made me a certain way and I am still susceptible to all the “wonderful” emotions of being a girl. And, not only that, it is ok.. I am supposed to be more emotional and caring and nurturing than guys… I was created. Made. Woven. Knit. to be these things… Awesome.
At church on Sunday Joni Erickson-Tada (sp?) spoke (via a previously recorded interview) and she made the comment that each of us deal with trials that are not the “God’s aiming a hose at the earth, and everyone gets rained on at some point” but it is intimate and specifically ordained and created for each of us.
So, in that, being totally real, totally open. I am afraid of getting hurt again, but I did not really realize this. I mean I always kinda knew I was afraid, but I had forgotten about this feeling, this emotion and how powerful it is. I had assumed the bulk of it was dealt with and Jesus and I had worked through it.. I mean it took me 6 months last time!… I have not experienced this in a really long time.. and yet here it is, just as real as before, just as looming and threatening, just as suffocating… All I keep telling myself is “dang it.. why am I such a girl?” As I fight tears and try to orient myself to some sort of logical reaction.
What is interesting to me in this whole thing.. Nothing happened. haha How dumb am I?.. Talk about lack of logic, nothing really out of the ordinary happened, and yet I find myself struggling to hold back tears and not be afraid of the “what if’s” that have no real basis considering the conversations and understanding.. the actual knowledge that I do have in this situation. Somehow, my emotions and fears have devised a plan against me… or maybe more accurate, Satan knows what fears grip my heart… and he whispers them into my ear at the perfect time.
I also find it slightly ironic that the very thing that has caused me to fear, is also the thing I want to comfort me…
Yet another example of how weak I truly am and how much I need my sweet Jesus every day.