My friend and I both really like the tag line for the Lexus “The pursuit of perfection” … we like that it is a journey and never ending push to be perfect.
Last night I was reminded once again I am still in this pursuit.. I am not there… *big sigh* I wish I was a lot further along in my journey than I am.. but, I cannot change where I am except to push forward. I hate when things get pointed out to me that I am less than perfect on.. and it really does not matter what the thing is… or if I have a legitimate reason I am not an expert at it, I still hate that I am not perfect.. a natural.. whatever… But, even more than that I hate when they are right.
Last night I was shown in a gentle, nice, straight to the point way yet another way I do not relinquish control. I do not willingly let someone else lead. In fact, I will assume the lead before I have realized that is what I have done… It comes naturally at this point because of how long it has been necessity in my life… Back to my tango lessons huh?… Learning to follow a lead with my eyes closed trusting I will be safe and not run into anything.. gah!
I realized a few days ago just how frustrated I get at myself.. for anything. I was really frustrated because I could not figure out how to solve the problems of a couple friends and those around me… It is not even my job, and yet here I am… frustrated because I somehow feel I should be able to help more then I do.
And then, epiphany… Maybe that is what God is going through AGAIN with me… Be patient, wait, stop, trying to control will only leave me failing and frustrated… *another big sigh*
I have found myself in several conversations lately where I have been squarely faced with this issue… and I am finding I have more options in my repertoire of responses then I ever thought I had before… I have no idea where these sudden new responses are coming from but I am finding them fascinating (Thank you Jesus). My usual responses in the past have been full of puffed up arrogance or I have been so full of pride that I would never want to admit that the person might be right, so I would justify and try and explain in an attempt to make sure I was not viewed less than perfect still… Now I am finding that mostly I just sit or stand there and listen to what is being said, what I am being accused of, what perceptions are being explained.. and sadly a lot of times they are true.. I hate that I am not perfect. That I cannot flawlessly lead when I need to and gracefully step aside when I am supposed to… It is that gracefully step aside thing that I become a klutz about.
I think I need to seriously reevaluate some of the way I do things currently though… I have no idea what that looks like, but I think it is about to rock my world. I feel numb currently.. not in a bad way, but in the God is about to move inside of me, so he numbs the area that will be focused on beforehand… Or in some cases things get numbed so you cannot control them.. that is what I feel like God is doing. He is numbing me so that He can work effortlessly without me screaming in pain…
“Take my fret, take my fear. All I have, I’m leaving here. Be all my hopes, be all my dreams. Be all my delights, be my everything. And It’s just you and me here now. Only you and me here now.” – Only You, David Crowder Band