Last night I spent a lot of time in prayer. I just really wanted to talk to my Jesus, and I really needed Him to talk back. I did not hear any resounding voice from heaven, but I did have a great time communicating while journaling to Him. I realized last night that sometimes even without realizing it, I attempt to control or manipulate a situation so I am more comfortable in it, less scared, whatever… and really I just want to be in control enough to feel like my life is not out of control.
I hate that about myself. I hate that I have this almost never ending desire to control and know what to expect next. I decided today I am going to let go, and just let God control my life.. and I will forget tomorrow… or worse, I will forget in 2 seconds when I see a shiny object haha… it’s really obnoxious, even to myself.
However, in my never ending pursuit of perfection I try and try again… Or maybe it is because I am insane… 😉
Anyway, last night I realized once again another area in my life that I really am trying desperately to hold onto, although, it is less of an “area” as much as a trait I realized that is connected to several areas in my life, and that trait has been cultivated out of fear. So, I spent a lot of time praying last night and I journaled just explaining to God (as if I have to.. but I like knowing I have taken the time to talk out my thoughts and feelings with my creator) that I am really just tired of the struggle to have control. I desire to be freed and let go, to just let go, take a step backwards and fall off the cliff knowing He will be there. Obviously I am really into word pictures… And, the reason I have described it this way is when you fall backwards, you REALLY have no control, you cannot even prepare for what is coming. You just have to go with it. So, this is me, once again voluntarily losing control of my life and knowing that my sweet Savior, my Creator, my always present help has already caught me and taken care of what is going on in my life.
Now, on to the listening to Him part…