I have been silent for a while.. Not in terms of actual silence because regardless of how you are feeling, life goes on.. work goes on, friends and family require time.. But, there is still a difference when inside you feel silent.
Inside I am silent. Still. Unmoving. Waiting.
I have this, ever present picture of my relationship with my Savior being a journey through a rainforest or similar type woods. Sometimes it is night, sometimes it is daytime, sometimes I can see my path perfectly, and other times, I wish desperately I had a machete to chop away what is blocking my view, and sometimes it is a fun (or not so much) combination of all of these. Everything I feel or experience (especially with my Lord) gets put into the context of this forest. So, in my descriptions, a lot of times I cannot explain what I am feeling.. and the only thing I can do is describe a word picture I have in my head (thanks Dad.. I totally get this from you…).
So, the current word picture… If you have ever spent any amount of time in the woods or a forest or any sort, you realize the louder you are the less you hear of the things going on around you… The brighter the daytime, or the brighter the light you carry, and the less you see of the life and the world going on around you. I have spent so many months being so loud… Physically and mentally. I have talked, moved, thought, wrote, shouted, ran, drove.. I did everything possible. The only time I stopped was when I felt forced to, when I had no other option.
I have been fighting so hard for such a long time. Fighting to keep my life together, to seek God better today then I did yesterday, to master every detail, to follow God’s perfect Will, I have spent more hours than I can count trying to reach or help anyone and everyone that comes into contact with me. I have spent almost every waking moment of the last several months trying to avoid the pain and hurt that has somehow become a constant ache in my life, a new normal. I have spent months fighting any and every emotion I feel inside to avoid the potential of it leading to a breakdown… Even if I have talked about what is going on, I have avoided actually allowing myself to experience and feel the full and unadulterated emotions of everything going on. Only a couple times have I been unable to contain and control the emotions, sometimes with a lot of pushing and prodding, and sometimes because I was just too overwhelmed to keep the emotions from breaking and spilling everywhere.. especially since I feel like they, whether good or bad are coursing through my veins constantly. I fight daily to be anything but mundane, to help those around me, to be the daughter, sister, co-worker, mentor, and friend that those around me need. I wake up every morning and go to bed every night asking God to help me be even just one step closer to the Krista He wants me to be. Tired yet?… I am.
I realized today that a lot of my joy has been lost or become hidden under the pain and stress that has been my focus. That statement alone makes me want to cry.. But, then again that would be expressing the emotions I do not want to allow to take over… *sigh* yeah, I know. It is not that my joy has disappeared and I cannot find it, it is that I have spent way too much of my time talking, moving, really anything to keep things together, instead of letting God have control. My desire to keep the pain from destroying me has become the goal each day.. and I have done all sorts of things to accomplish this. Some days I have just shut down inside, others I have spent the entire day praying, I have journaled, read, listened and blared music, I have laid on a dock and listened to water lap against the shore, I have slept, and gone out for coffee with friends… All of these things are great and wonderful things.. But, the problem comes back to, I have done these things in an attempt to fix and control what is going on…
Please do not get me wrong, I have not stopped seeking my Jesus through all of this. It is not like I have turned and walked away, nor do I feel like He has left me at all. I have seen Him working in some pretty spectacular ways… And, I have certainly discovered an entirely new affinity for prayer that I NEVER had before. I have found a new way that I absolutely LOVE talking to my Savior, my Lord, my God… But, I have somehow forgot to just stop.. to be silent, to wait.. to just listen without any intent at all but to just BE with my Savior.
So, here I am… partially because I think Jesus has cornered me, but partially because I have begun to realize I just want to sit and be still and listen.
So, here I am. Silent.