I feel like I have had a lot of major things that are inconsistent in my life as of late, and while part of me really likes the changes and the change of pace, another part of me is just ready for something to FEEL normal again.
I long for my emotions to feel constant and normal again. I realized today, that while things are definitely better then they have been, and while I can see and feel Hope returning to my heart, I can feel myself really smiling instead of faking it, and I can feel the joy that has been so intimately familiar throughout my life returning slowly, through it all I am still very easily agitated. (I am so sorry to my friends who so graciously put up with me…) I also realized today, I spend most of my day being very ok, nothing being wrong at all… but, as the evening arrives and progresses, something inside me becomes very not ok. This has been my daily cycle recently… One, that I am really not all that thrilled about. It is almost as though the weights of the problems facing those around me, and the concerns and emotions that are going on inside of me are held at bay all day, and then I spend an hour driving home praying, and everything just comes out to stay for the evening.
I feel like I am in this weird state of being totally ok. I am content in being single, I am appreciating the new challenges my job is offering, and really content that things are at least visible and not a total black hole. I can see the growth that has taken place in my life throughout everything, and I am mostly happy with who I am becoming each new day. I am content and understand the slow progress that is my chronic pain, and the rehab that needs to take place in order for everything to heal properly, I realize and have mostly come to terms with the fact that I cannot solve the problems of those around me, but that I am just called to love them… and that involves spending a LOT of time praying, and I am totally ok with that.
I treasure my praying time, but I definitely am finding it more of a challenge in the state of my current emotions… And yet, at the very same time I am finding a stabilizing force I cannot explain, I have no real words to describe what it is or what it means right now. All I know is, it very clearly comes from my Savior.
There is a part of me that feels like everything going on inside of me has this barrier between my emotions and my rationale. It feels as though there is a glass wall between the two factions, I can very much feel what I am going through, but it is almost like there is a disconnect there. I am sifting through and working through hurts, pains, and insecurities all over again, but I have not fell like it has taken over my thought process. I can pick apart the various aspects of things I am going through, and I feel every bit of it, yet I can also recognize what is at the root of it all, and that alone is seems to provide the very welcome barrier. I find myself spending a lot of time each day just thinking through things and allowing myself to just FEEL what is going on, not pushing to solve or burry it, but just to feel it for a while, then I am finding that I tend to then spend some time figuring out after feeling it, what do I actually I think about everything… Then, I always end with a really simple prayer “Lord, I get it, but it still hurts, help me.”
So, Lord, I get it.. I see how this is a critical phase of my life… But, it still hurts.