I have had such a great weekend so far… It has included dancing, lots and lots of laughter, turning around a dozen times in DC while making only a 20 minute drive, good food, wonderful friends, and again more laughter. I simply cannot thank God enough for the things He has given me that I know I do not deserve. However, in the midst of all the genuine goodness, several very good and pointed conversations reminded me how much pain I am surrounded by every day…
To start, my roomie is hurting because of a situation she cannot change, she is grieving and hurting for those around her. I love her heart, and wish I could make it better… take away the pain.. offer some sort of comforting words of wisdom, but instead I cannot change the situation anymore then she can… These are the moments we learn the most, and these are the times when we realize how much we need our personal relationship with our Savior every single day. These moments sear into our hearts how fragile people are, and how important it is to live out exactly what we are told to by God… Love Him, Love others.
Sometimes life is just hard… for no reason at all. I hate Satan.
I got to talk to a really good friend from the couple of years I worked at camp this weekend, we tend to talk every so often, usually just catching each other up and literally hearing what God is doing or the things we are facing in our lives. There are so many times that once I get off the phone I am just blown away by how much God speaks to me through this friend. The no crap truth that they speak, the fact that they hear what I say, and then ask what I am truly thinking or feeling… and then they turn right around and are just as open and honest, and allow me to be the same type of friend for them… I truly treasure this friend, more then I think they have any idea of.
Tonight, I was talking with two of my best friends here, and I was so quickly reminded how much my heart breaks for certain people… No, actually my heart pretty much breaks for everyone at one point or another, sometimes it comes and goes, and other times it feels suffocating. Tonight, I was reminded how lost some people are… My heart literally hurts. Ever since going to Ghana in November of ’08, there are just certain types of pain and hurt that when I am made aware of it in someone else’s life, my heart physically hurts… Tonight is one of those nights. I can do absolutely nothing to fix the problem, and as much as I want to, I cannot force someone to see the error of their ways or how they are perpetuating the problem. The basic problem is, they just simply cannot understand certain facts about our God that I so ignorantly take for granted every single day. Sometimes, I just wish I could shake the people and yell at them “CAN’T YOU SEE HOW EASY THIS COULD BE?!”… And then, my Lord quietly reminds me that, it is not my job, nor my place to fix them… it is His, and He is in fact perfectly capable of taking care of things… and yes, His heart breaks for them too.
Tonight I caught myself thinking “I hate how much I care…” and then I instantly was reminded (in my own mind of course) “… You prayed for this…” and my only rebuttal was stupid and like a little child “yeah, but I just didn’t think it would hurt this much…”
I am double minded sometimes, and I know that fact about myself. I want to spend every day loving those around me, making them feel important and cared for… That task manifests itself differently depending on who it is I am engaging with, but the purpose and heart behind my goal is the same. Then I will turn right around and get so frustrated because I do not want to hurt or feel the pain I feel when I watch those around me hurt… or even when I hear a story of someone else’s pain. I am reminded almost daily of the fact that I am SO thankful I am not God and do not know it all.. or have the responsibility to fix it all… even when I want to.
Tonight I realized, I am never going to be able to forget this pain and ache I feel when I watch those around me deal with pain… regardless of the cause, it is real to them, and I cannot fix it. My heart hurts so much it makes me sick to my stomach sometimes… and that drives me to do the only thing I know for sure… Prayer.