Month: December 2010

2010…. Never Again…

This past year was in one word: Awful.

I mean there obviously were highlights, some of them also lead to lowlights.. and so many times I found myself saying “God.. How long?!”

So, with that being said, this has become my staple blog each year.. reviewing what happened this year, and then what I am hoping for and looking forward to this next year. This is my favorite post because this is when I really detail and lay bare what I have learned, how I have grown, and the various things I have gone through.

I started out ringing in the new year in Times Square in NYC. Had an absolute blast, and treasure the memories I have from that trip.

(this is a really long post.. but I am not sorry since this is my blog 🙂

January
Two weeks into the new year my boss left for more reasons than is a good idea to discuss, which then suddenly launched me into a totally unstable year.

One of my roomie’s and I had a falling out of sorts… and it began several months of avoidance, frustration, and ultimately the death of a friendship by the time we moved out of our house several months later. 

I discovered that because of the absence of my boss, who I had grown to really enjoy working with, respected, and cultivated a mutual trust when it came to thoughts and ideas, I now had to attend a couple day conference in DC… That ended on the day I get off, my birthday. But!.. It was going to be ok because me and various friends had the birthday of all birthday weekends planned.. It was going to be awesome.

Then, snow destroyed every single plan as I drove the 3 hours home after the conference. My Friday night plans to go Salsa dancing and have several other friends from around the state had to be canceled, my Pedicure/manicure with another friend, canceled. Getting my new tattoo, canceled. And, unknown plans for Sunday, canceled.

Instead, I arrived home to a….. well meant (sorta) birthday prank done in my bedroom, that took 45 minutes to clean up. A “make up” birthday party before the majority of the snow hit, and then I got snowed in with 7 people in a very small house… When all I wanted to do was be left alone and sulk.

However, after a solid day of sulking, but pretending I was not actually in a bad mood, a couple people I was stuck with began helping me unravel my frustrations.. and we ended up with some HYSTERICAL pictures and videos of us.. “working of” the cabin fever by using each other as weights for a Cross Fit exercise. It was awesome, and left each of us with lots of laughter and fun memories… By far the best part of the weekend!

February
I began this month leaving the Leadership team I had been a part of for the last year. It was time to not be involved, and through an unfortunate series of events throughout several months I realized not only did I dislike helping, I was feeling beat up and frustrated… It was time to leave as gracefully as I could. But, it unfortunately did not completely solve some of the issues that had started it in the first place. I am however very thankful that resolution of the individual issues took place, but it was clear that things would not go back to the way they were before, which was very unfortunate.

My family dealt with a whole lot of drama at home, and I was stuck 12 hours away helpless.

A guy who had positioned himself as significantly important friend in my life left for GA for military training and Ranger school. Which meant inevitably that it was the beginning of life never being the same once again. I was both amazed at how much I dreaded him leaving, and how much I was worried he and I would discover we were not actually friends after all… and we would lose total contact. He surprised me with a letter he had given to his cousin (one of my best friends).. and the letter made me cry. It was just very sweet and mixed humor and jokes with a very serious amount of establishing our friendship as important even though it would be changing dramatically.

March
At a sunday school get together I officially met and began talking to a guy I would later date for a short period of time.

I continued random mishaps and stress at work.. had several minor car problems.. and became a bridesmaid.. All in one day.

I went to the doctors and discovered my normal “girl” cycle was not actually normal in the symptoms and was put on medication to assist. It was also discovered that I have a lump, maybe two, and even though they are small, and could be caused by several things, we would wait until my next appointment to see if there are any changes… I only told my cousin, and began the process of coming to terms with the idea that I might have cancer, and I would find out March of 2011. It took me several months to tell anyone else, and 9 months before I would inform my parents. Discoveries like this are something that are probably among the most closely guarded for several reasons, the main one being that it is highly emotional by nature, and before I give the information to those around me and subsequently have to deal with their emotions I first want to have a handle on my own and figure out what I think and feel… So that, I can assist those around me with however they feel. And, the other big reason is, if it does end up being a worse case scenario, I want to make sure I am in a state at which even though it would be happening to me, I can help those around me deal with whatever would be coming… It really is all I feel I can do, so I wanted to be calculated in how I handled it.

Just after all of that two of my best friends and I disappeared to PA and went camping, rode 4-wheelers, and literally did nothing… We all were stressed out like crazy and needed a break. It was an absolutely amazing weekend!

April
One of my best friends and his wife made their what has turned into annual trips to see me for Easter.. Which was much needed. I talked to them about the new guy I had met, and all of the various things I liked, was not sure about, and all of the surrounding thoughts.

I disappeared to Charleston with two of my best friends for Spring Break. We spent most of the time laying on a beach or walking around, it was awesome and another much needed break… that of course brought a WHOLE lot of memories. The guy and I began talking quite a bit more and I found myself struggling with being scared that I might like a guy, and excited that a guy might like me.

We began dating not long after, and I was entered into the world of cars, military, and a whole lot of additional stress… That I willingly chose because I did in fact like this guy, more so then probably many of the other guys I have dated. My dad eloquently put it that I had “nothing to gain from walking away from him, and really nothing to lose by trying and seeing where it could go.” So, that’s exactly what I did. Resolved that I would pray myself through, and let God deal with the specifics… especially my terrified heart at letting a guy get close to me.

I was in the wedding I was made a bridesmaid for a month earlier. Met a girl (another bridesmaid) who I absolutely adore and cherish my time with her!

May
My boyfriend and I officially broke up, but we did not tell anyone for a bit, because of trying to figure things out… Which lead to a lot of tears when I finally did tell my best friends…And, then… we acted like we were still dating, only without the stress of everyone asking when we were getting married.

I moved about a mile in a half away from where I was living to a house one of my roomie’s bought.. We painted, moved, and I left for a wedding in OH all in a 3 day  period.. in which I did not actually help move the furniture!.. (whoopsie).

The day I got back two friends were in town from various military places… So, I made a point to see them and spend time with them… even though I was totally and completely exhausted and worn out.

June
We hired a new boss, and while thankfully it was the one I liked better, it did nothing to relieve the stress at work.. and in some ways increased my stress because people came into my office daily to unload their stresses and worries on me.

My roomie and I established a fantastic home, and I was sad that her schedule required her to spend most of the month gone traveling.

I began having almost unbearable back and neck pains and began going to a chiropractor 3 times a week for almost 3 months some fairly extensive treatments.

I went to New Hampshire and New York for weddings of some great friends.

I had my emotions jerked all over the place and finally decided that I had had enough, and I felt like God was telling me to walk away, so, I was no longer going to seek after my (not) boyfriend. I explained how I felt, and that if he “wanted me, come get me” that I had no intention of running and hiding or playing hard to get, but that I was no longer going to seek him out. It was his job to come for me… if he wanted me. He made it pretty clear pretty quickly that he did not actually want me, and he made no attempts to come get me… Which realizing that you are not wanted in any capacity in someone’s life is a significant blow, especially when you really like and care for them… And after they have told you repeatedly things indicating they feel differently.

July
I went and saw my bff in Atlanta for the first time since November… I arrived feeling totally broken and hurting. I had finally arrived to July of ’10.. and while I knew God had told me in a dream 2 years prior that something significant this month, all I felt was pain, hurt, and like I had just spent the last 6 months getting beat up from every direction without reprieve. My bff and her recent fiance spent the weekend just loving on me, and we spent 4th of July with the Zacharias family, and it was awesome.

I ran in the the ex a couple time in the beginning of July, and while the interactions were “fine” with no significant drama, there was a decent amount of hurt because of realizing I had been lied to (regardless of the reason) about how he felt, and the fact that his actions made perfectly clear he did not want me.. That’s a hard pill to swallow since I believed what he had told me before.

My roomie finally returned home to spend a couple weeks home before being gone again… Man did I need her around. We had countless talks sitting on the kitchen floor.. She was such a blessing.

I went home for the first time since Christmas for a whirlwind weekend for my Grandpa’s wedding. Received more hugs then I knew what to do with, and ate it up.

I left July and entered August on a trip with work to Myrtle Beach. I was co-in charge of one of the boys cottages, and really loved the time with my kids… And the beach.

My family had another bout of significant drama that I could do nothing to help.. in South Carolina… Ugh.

August
Ironically through it all, I entered August feeling totally still inside. Somehow, through it all God heard my cries in July and stilled my heart, whispered He was in fact here, and He did hear me. All I needed to do was be still and trust Him.

I researched, and despite my better judgment enrolled in a double masters program.

Found out a week in a half before my 2 year anniversary that I was going to be let go in December… Which meant my feeling of “two years” was accurate… as was “July of ’10” in terms of being significant in my life. When friends found out I am fairly confident they were certain I would have a mental breakdown and several of them I think inadvertently acted as though they were on suicide watch… Even though I told them over and over that I was at total peace with it all, God told me this would happen, and I believed Him.

I commenced to apply for what turned out to be 70+ jobs… Praying that I would hear back from just 1 saying they wanted to hire me… I also began covertly training people at work on how to do the job I had spent the last 2 years creating. Knowing the entire time that if I mentioned anything at this point it would make the entire situation worse, and people would sabotage their jobs or become bitter… Which is the last thing I wanted for my kids.

My friend graduated from Ranger training, and I was able to go see it, and see him. It was an awesome visit!

September
I started school… once again, slightly excited, and slightly bitter that I was back in this situation.

I spent pretty much all of my time working, job hunting, and doing school… It was not fun.

October
I had a job interview, and ultimately was offered a job in DC… Well, technically Alexandria. I decided to take the job, and start November 1st.

I began packing my life up for the second time in a few months, I began training people for real on how to do my job, and tried figuring out how to pack, move, finish a class, start another class, and start a new job all in the same week.

I also began saying all my goodbyes… it sucked and I was not prepared for it.

I moved, again.

November
I started a new job, and began a class I came to disdain, loath, despise, etc…

I moved in with three girls I did not know, in a huge house, and discovered once again I am so very different then most Christian girls.

Work clearly is going to offer me lots of experience, but quickly established itself as a fairly stressful and aggravating entity in my life… God clearly put me here, but I am still a little unsure why.. But, here I am Lord, send me is still my mantra.

I realized how much I made Lynchburg my home, and the people there my family.

I got to skype with my bff who was traveling abroad with work for a month.. Man did I need her!

I went to TN to visit my dad’s real dad and new wife for Thanksgiving… dragging one of my best friends along… It was, interesting, and I felt like I needed to be there, but still am not totally sure why.

A good friend from MI began going through some absurd and ridiculous things.. which then affected my family.. and yet again.. I am hours upon hours away, able to do very minimal to help… *sigh*

December
I loath my online class.

Decisions at work were mirroring rookie mistakes and actions… Causing a significant amount of aggravation. And, here I am again repeating some seriously stressful situations at work that I went through last year… Again, I am not sure why, but I am supposed to be here, so.. here I am.

I went to Atlanta for a weekend.. and loved my time there!

I went home and took one of my new roommates with me. It was so good to be home, man was it hard to leave… I also told my parents about the medical situation I have, and everything I know to date, and figured giving them three months to adjust was probably a good idea.. just in case.

2010
This was an awful year filled with more crappy crap crap then good by a long shot, and while I know things “could be worse” I certainly feel like I am ending this year with more bruises and scars then I care to admit, and an overwhelming amount of awful memories then good ones this year… However, through it all, I still praise God’s Holy Name. I still give Him the glory, and I know I do not deserve better.. but I certainly ask for Grace AND growth for 2011… Is that even possible? I am not broken merely because my Savior is a good God. That is all, that is the only reason.

I hope this next year is full of countless more adventures, more laughter then I can store, and while I never want to whine so much about the pain that I forget others have it worse, and I would never ask for less pain and hurt.. I would also never ask to repeat this year. I am made stronger, this I know. Praise be to my God and my Salvation.

Be Done…

At this point I am just ready to be done… Be home, snuggling with the munchkins, eating way too much food, laughing like crazy at who knows what, and mostly just being home…

My class has one more day, and it could not come fast enough.

Work has been stressful.. but it feels like needlessly stressful, if only people would follow a logical process for doing things.

I have been sleeping horribly for a while now. Mostly just waking up a bunch of times throughout the night, which is normal, but usually I do not remember or wake up long enough to register a thought… but, lately I wake up, and wonder what time it is, how much longer do I have to sleep… what do I have to do the next day, do I need to shower in the am.. weird stupid stuff..

I am ready for Christmas, and a reboot.. Somehow Christmas is always magical, and makes me feel refreshed and excited about the next year..

Plus, we have an AWESOME 007 James Bond theme New Years party at our house this year.. I’m very excited 🙂

Africa

I have decided I need to go back to Africa, and soon.

Last week I was not having a particularly good week, and one certain evening I came home from a not good day at work, took a nap, woke up to an empty house, ate a random dinner and watched a youtube video of an interview with Brooke Fraser where she talked about her song Albertine, and her time in Rwanda. Half way through the interview I almost began crying, and decided I need to go back.. it has been over 2 years since I have been to Africa, or on any missions trip in general… way.. way too long.

So, since I make a point to do things that I really feel passionately about.. or even just things that I like, I have decided I am planning a trip to Africa in 2011. Currently I am thinking of Thanksgiving, since that’s an automatic 4 days, because if I want to be gone for 10 days, that week would include 6 days of weekend/vacation.. meaning I only have to take 4 vacation days!… Unless I decide I just cannot handle it, and I just never come home… 😉

The plan is obviously still a molding and making process, and I really must throw this out there.. I will plan for and take anyone who wants to come. They will need to either work together as a group to raise the funds or supply their own way.. However, I will go alone even if no one chooses to come with me. Currently I want to go somewhere in East Africa/Central Africa. But, I am not gonna lie.. I once again am aiming towards seeing the sunrise or sunset from each side of every ocean… So the Indian Ocean or Red Sea is a substantial goal for this trip too 🙂

I cannot wait to go, see what happens, and explore.. be in and around a country doing things that I love. Seeing the faces of beautiful children, and getting the chance to smile, laugh, and hold their hands.

So, if you want to come, let me know. If you want to help me fund going or if you want to help someone else come with me, let me know… I am really excited about just getting to go be on the continent of Africa again soon. I cannot wait for the dust on my feet, the smells, the faces, and the emotions that God infuses into my heart and in my bones. My prayers from now until then are that the right people come together to go, and that God moves and does exactly what He has planned… But, most of all, that I am mold-able and able to be moved and persuaded by the Holy Spirit.. and, that I am obedient.
 (I found this picture online.. it’s AMAZING!)

 
I found it from here.

Girl Time…

I have never been one for “girl time” in high school the overwhelming majority of my friends were guys, and only in college did the scale tend towards evening out. However, I still avoided “girl nights” most of the time.. I dislike bridal showers, baby showers, and I would rather stick a needle in my eye then play shower games and watch a soon to be bride open embarrassing items. In fact, one time in college I escaped a girls night… and when they came looking for me, I hid.. I was NOT a fan.

*** Disclaimer*** Understand, I do not mean for this idea of “Girl time” to be confused with one on one time with girl friends.. I am specifically referring to a mass number of girls together… with no purpose but to… be stupid girls.***

So, what’s the problem?.. Girls. Especially mass quantities of girls. I go nuts when girls become a gangling group of gossips (like that?)… I mean seriously, think about it… groups of girls get together and they gossip… spread and share their emotions and craziness with each other. Ew. Who wants to be around that?! It is not fun. Torture… like water-boarding.. maybe.

However, within the last year or two I have discovered how much I enjoy hanging out with mature, loving, inspiring, engaging, Christian women.. who TRY to glorify the Lord. You know, the ones that spend time trying to lift you up and encourage you… Are real and portray no ounce of fake… The ones that you LOVE being around them because they lighten the room, they bring class and a sense of humor with them all the time.. The special ones that when you talk to them, they see you, they love you, and the focus on you as though you are the most important thing in the world to them. Aka.. The ones who love the Lord, and it shows.

Time with my girl friends from Lynchburg, I am pretty sure can cure any ailment.. and today I discovered a group of women who make me laugh.. they are encouraging, entertaining, exciting, (I don’t think I can keep up with the e’s….), but more than anything, all discussions were.. normal. I mean we talked girl things.. like weddings, and fashion… sales etc.. but, there was plenty of normal conversation, intellectual talks, and lots of humor. We had food and made crafts, it was a lot of fun. It was needed, and it was great to laugh. Specifically one of the women I gravitated towards right away was full of energy, she’s a wife to a pastor, and a mother to a 2 year old and she was hysterical.. so very real (the type that is crazy beautiful and loving!). She is from GA, and she has such a passion for life.. whatever that brings, but is quick to point out how amazed she is by others qualities and choices. She was such a breath of fresh air.

I love how faithful God is, and how He provides exactly what you need RIGHT when you need it…

Like my BFF who called last night “just because” and some how ALWAYS manages to get me to laugh and smile. She is the perfect combination of beauty, humor, grace, class, optimism, and she does all of these things authentically and is able to use these things to encourage me in a way that does not make me more aggravated. She just gets me and I love it!

My cousin who made the time to ask me why I was upset.. then proceeded to listen to me vent about all the ridiculous things that were bothering me.. With a solution of “all you need is time with me..” oh how right she is!

The roomie who has somehow positioned herself not as best friend, but as my sister… the one that chooses to live with my crazy things, loves me anyway.. and somewhere along the way SHE became where home is… She knows everything, but instead of acquiring the title of best friend attained sister.. And, for anyone who is close to their sisters (like I am) you realize how much you need them in your life.. every day. She somehow manages to make me laugh when I’m PISSED at homework by pointing out how she couldn’t possibly buy those shoes cause they are “sexy and stylish” … and clearly she’s “none of those things…” HAHA!

The best friend that puts up with my randomness.. (and even claims to enjoy it!).. Voluntarily joins me in stressful situations, defuses it with humor… and stalks me with pictures. Helps me process like crazy, and never judges me for any thought I have… instead helps me come back to reality and remember what’s important…. And, has probably sat in a car with me more than anyone else in my life! Ha! 

The roomie who makes me food and listens to me complain a RIDICULOUS amount about the homework instead of sucking it up.. and she so graciously listens and patiently puts up with my overly dramatic reactions to life.. Then passes me a brownie and makes my life better.

The one that patiently taught me to dance.. and makes sure to touch base with me a couple times a week… Is insanely encouraging and uplifting. Seeks my thoughts and opinions and listens to my over reactions to things.. that I claim is just how I feel.. when everyone knows it is an over reaction… Who pursues my friendship for the sole purpose of being my friend… no agenda, just.. be around me.

The endless number of girl friends that comment on my pictures, blogs, status updates.. and send nothing but encouragement and humor. The ones who seek me out because they love me.. and that is all… Gosh am I so blessed, and how different the sheer quality AND quantity of women God has placed in my life…

So, as I get older and God graces me with amazing women in my life… Girl time has become less torturous and more enjoyable and loved. haha.. how funny!

Grumpy…

Most of the time I am full of laughter and joy… Recently though, I have felt incredibly grumpy. I mean I have still laughed at things, had good times with friends and such, but I am so easy to annoy and put in a bad mood recently.. or at least that is how I feel, even if no one else notices…

I have discovered a severe disdain for economics… Specifically Market Structures and all of the ridiculous graphs, curves, lines, and anything having to do with marginal or total… This week has pretty much consisted of homework = insta-pissy-krista… Sorry to all my friends who talked to me during my homework periods this week… :/

Work has been.. interesting.

I feel.. frumpy. I haven’t worked out in a few months, and I NEED TO.. I seriously miss it.. enough to have decided I am heading back to the gym because it is easier than fitting anything else into my schedule at the moment.. And, this I feel fat and gross thing.. not working for me… And, before anyone tries to figure out a way to “make Krista feel better” I really think it is just a need for the sweat inducing endorphins… I know I “look fine,” I just feel gross… But I have to wait until the next paycheck.. Dang.

I miss several people a whole heck of a lot… they have no idea.

The one good thing from the last week was putting together a Christmas package for my Chaplain friend in Afghanland.. It took me and one of my roomie’s 4 hours.. and we swapped stories and laughed the whole time, it was definitely much needed.

A few nights ago as I lay FREEZING in bed trying to breath, not cough, and sleep at the same time, I laid there and paused for longer than I have in a very long time and just prayed for various troubles going on in my life and the life of those I love. Things people need like jobs, income, comfort, and a few to have their faith restored… It was at that point that I realized I have been so busy.. doing whatever task is directly in front of me that I realized I have forgotten to take time to be.. to do whatever.. to do something just for the fun of it because I wanted to.. No wonder I am tired and fighting headaches a lot recently. I cannot even begin to express how much it frustrates me that I do not feel like I am hearing God right now.. and mostly because I am not MAKING time to sit and be still. Oh gosh how I miss the feeling of that time… And then I sit and wonder why I am a grump… haha.. I am such a dumb, slow, child of our Savior. You would think I would learn… But, no.. I cycle through like this so often it is infuriating.

Oh my sweet Savior… Come rescue me from myself again. Remind me who you are, who I am… and who I am not. Calm my anxious heart and speak peace into my mind. Forgive me for the things I have chosen to do that are ridiculous and stupid, but more, forgive me for the things I have not done that you ask me to do. Bring the people into my life that I need to remind and ground me, show me who I you want me to reach out to. Give me words and keep me silent before I prove myself a fool. I am desperate for your restoring waters, fill my weary bones, restore my aching body, make new my heart.

“Direct me in the path of your commands, for there I find delight.” – Ps. 119:35