What do you do when looking at things going on as a whole, life is just frustrating?…
While I can point to all sorts of little things that are good or fantastic, I am just frustrated with this current phase of life right now. And, lets be honest, I have been since getting into it. I know God can and does change things so quickly, I know that I am supposed to be here, and I am well aware of the fact that this too shall pass… But, even still I find myself frustrated from the inside out.
I really dislike my job, I leave frustrated virtually every day. Mostly because of one person, and because that person not only does a poor job in their role, but they do an even worse job letting those around excel at what we are good at and know how to do. Instead we are talked to like we are stupid or ignorant, and given menial stupid tasks that the person either does not know how to do or has adopted a too good attitude. And, jobs well done are never appreciated, unless in a fake way to impress someone else. I honestly have no idea what to do with this.. Some days I realize it might be a pride thing on my part, and I probably really need to learn how to humble myself and do what needs to get done… But, it quickly becomes nails on a chalkboard when I know how to fix, solve, or do something but instead am talked to like I am an intern. Seriously, daily struggle.. I have no idea what to do.
Then, there is this school thing. I am on “academic probation” because I have less than a 3.0. Part of me could really careless because I am passing my classes and that is what really matters.. plus, I can easily look at the surrounding circumstances and give all these reasons and excuses for why I have performed in the way I have. Some would be legitimate reasons.. in fact, most probably would.. But, the reality to me is this serves as one more example of my lack of ability to succeed. The current class I am in is not easy, but not as a pure aggravation as the last two. Yet, even still this is serving as my constant reminder that I really just cannot get my act together and that I dislike school, I honestly hate math/accounting/finance/economic type things. Even at 26 I struggle to care that these could have any applicable things for my life, instead of my natural “this is stupid” attitude for things I cannot easily apply.
By the way, I have not been sleeping well.. As in ever. I really do not ever sleep through the night anymore, and wake up every time I roll over (I always have), but more so the last 6 months or so.
Then there is church, which was awesome… But, what is ironic is that while the message was good, (continuing the All In series) I was really having a hard time focusing throughout the entire message. Not because the pastor did a bad job communicating by any means, but because I just could not get myself to hone in. However, at the end when he prayed I was hooked… Then we were told to basically take a moment and connect with God, talk about what it means or would take to be All In…
And there I was, alone in my seat aware that God wanted to talk.
So, we talked…
I told God all about how I have been feeling, that I know this stage of things will only last for a short while, but I do not like it here. Not because of “here” at all, but because I have nothing grounding me, uplifting me, there is no affirmation except at the gym, and I do not really trust anyone here (why do I still struggle with this?!). I hate my job, hate school, and have nothing here to redeem the struggles. I do not see what the purpose of all of this is… I mean, I have been around long enough to know I will get it like a light bulb on the other side.. and I will do it all over in the snap of a finger to gain the skills all over again, but right now, sitting in the darkened theater, all I know is I don’t like it here.
Then God played me our song.
I began bawling knowing I am not living the words of this song, and I definitely need to. This is mine and God’s song, this is the song, and Ghana was the place He touched me.. Solidifying He and I as unique and set apart from Him and anyone else. That He loves me, and His purpose is specific with me. I mean He has told me numerous times, but this was the time when I realized I was not just another person to Him, but that I was set apart and known.
Then God reminded me of Kevin Carroll and his book Rules of The Red Rubber Ball and how one time YEARS ago my dad told me this man was the closest person he had ever heard that had the gifts and strengths that I do… And then, my dad pointed out that it took him more than 10 years to prepare and gain the skills he needs to do what he does…. If you count my training as starting when I started college, I have about 8 years under my belt…
Can I make 2 more years? Of course. Will I like them? Sometimes, but if it is anything like the last while.. probably not completely. Will it be worth it? It always is when God is behind it.
Lord I am weak, I can’t and currently don’t really want to do this… Come do your thing, change me.