Last night I went to bed totally worn out but feeling completely void inside. Not because of any one thing, but because of every little thing invading my life right now.
As I laid in bed last night I was really struggling to focus and pray. It is a little odd because I can pray for quite a while for those I love, the people on my 3×5 bathroom prayer card, but as soon as I went through that.. or really the last several additions mostly consisting of prayers for safety and for God to draw near or take care of various people in my life… Once I was done there I felt suddenly stuck like words no longer would come to mind for myself. So, my mind just wandered. I thought about my day, various conversations, articles I had read in the news, things from last weekend, and to do’s for the rest of the week… Somehow my mind kept going back to bizarre things, like the bitterness or pessimism of most of my friends here in DC. I thought about the frustration I feel towards random people and their approach to various things in their life. I thought about my dream from the night before… Long dream short, I moved home, but not in with my parents because I had quit my job that I just could not handle anymore, but did not want to move home because I had no plan for what to do next and did not want to tell my family..
Here are a few things I know now. I do not want to quit my job, but I do not want to stay here either. One of my co-workers put it best I have not “bought in” to the mission of what we are doing. I am unconvinced we are doing a good job, especially knowing the people and practices behind some of the things we do. I recognize we COULD be doing a good job, but I do not think we are right now. And, I certainly do not think we are doing a good job facilitating and moving forward with projects that could have a high impact.
I also realize that even still through it all I desperately miss the people who know my heart and build me up and push me towards Christ. Even the people who “know” me best here have no idea how to encourage me, help me, or be there for me. So, it ends up just coming across in a weak half attempt at making small talk with me, which does not help my current mood lately of just wanting to be alone. How ironic that the person I look forward to seeing the most every week is my personal trainer because he is helping me attain a huge goal I have had for a long time, we talk about martial arts all the time (and I have not been able to do that in a LONG time), and he is always pleasant and encouraging… I could not figure out last night if that is pathetic or a good thing that he is one of my favorite people here in DC… I am fine either way, just a thought.
I also realized I miss every day conversations about God.. I miss having belief as a basis of understanding. The mediocrity of most people’s faith who say they believe and go to church is exhausting. Not because of anything big, but because their lives simply do not match, and it is as obvious as a neon sign that they are hypocritical in their life. There really is no wonder that non-Christians dislike us, I cannot blame them at all… I get tired, frustrated, and fed up by it too. Call a spade a spade, either believe and live like you believe, or acknowledge you do not believe.. but in between pretending (lukewarm) is just aggravating… It all comes down to honesty. I cherish honesty… Anyone who knows me is intimately acquainted with my affinity for truth and honesty.
Praise the Lord with my whole heart that this class I am in with school is not as time consuming or difficult to understand as the last two… Maybe, just maybe I am actually learning, and will make it through this double masters degree!
Bringing it all back around, as I lay in my bed last night lost in thoughts, unable to sleep for who knows how long, I was totally overwhelmed with the feeling that I. Need. Him. I need my Savior so so SO much right now. But, aggravating my thoughts is the fact that I cannot make things better, I cannot bring myself closer to Him. All I can do is be here, open and waiting for Him to come get me, and thankfully I know He will because He always does. Like the sunrise and the coming of spring, my savior will come for me. Somehow, someway God will make all of this worth it, I will learn, I will grow, I will become a better more beautiful person through all of this. I have no doubts that God will redeem every bit of my journey and make the purpose make sense.
But, my reality is in this moment, right now, I just feel discouraged and frustrated. God knows exactly what I need, He sees me, of this there are no doubts… My biggest question is (and usually always is) “when?”… God will make this all ok again, I know looking back I will be thankful for this time and so glad I learned everything I am learning right now, but in the moment I am just left frustrated.. and worse, I am frustrated with things I cannot change, which leaves me feeling totally depleted and like I am just functioning to function.. which is an entirely different conversation, but goes back to my disdain for mediocrity.
However, I also recognize that in my frustration God will make Himself known, He always does. So, here I am, sitting and waiting for my Jesus that I so desperately need in every moment.