Month: June 2011

You Have GOT to be Kidding…

Sometimes I look at my life and cannot help but say “You have GOT to be kidding…” sometimes because of big things, and other times it is the smallest of things, or merely the possibilities set before me. You. Have. Got. To. Be. Kidding…

I know I am young at 26, and I still do not feel a day past 22 (ok maybe 23..). I am no where close to the place I thought I would be when I was growing up.. and I am no where in the vicinity of who I thought I would be even a couple years ago. Seriously. What blows my mind about all of this is how even in the midst of everything craptastic about the last year in a half (I was really hopeful 2011 would be less stressful and painful than 2010), I am content.. not always happy, and not always thankful.. but content because I can see where my road has taken me and where I have encountered major forks in my life that have dramatically altered who I am. I am not at all who I thought I would be, and not even close to doing what I thought I would be doing.. But, I like it.

You see, when I was 14 or 15 my uncle talked passionately about being in Communications and Public Relations.. and how awesome it would be to do that job.. I was totally sold. In part because my uncle was my hero even though I knew he was broken and flawed. He talked me into all kinds of things because I would just get swept into his excitement, passion, and stories about what could be… So at 15 I thought I would be in a high falooting (is that actually a word?) PR job, I would be “somebody” and I would be successful. Little did I know that my idea of that would change dramatically throughout the course of my life.

Then at 18 I had my first boyfriend and I was convinced I would get married by sophomore year of college and move to GA with him after college to pursue his career choices.. I would be a mother by 24, and life would be grand.. Then we broke up, and nothing I had planned went accordingly. Instead I took summer camp jobs and found jobs in my field which helped me to land a couple key positions after college.. I dated a couple guys for short periods of time, had my heart broken a couple times.. and learned so much more than I ever anticipated about the woman and wife I actually want to be. All the while, I was crying deep down about how unfair it was that I was still single when other girls were getting married…

Then I began to travel, I took jobs elsewhere and began to see the world differently. I realized that more than getting married or being a mom, I wanted and desired to change the world.. to live a life totally sold out for Christ full of passion and excitement, and I would gladly include whoever wanted to take part in that goal and dream. Since that moment a couple years ago I have finally settled into the fact that I am actually already complete, AND that includes the fact that I am single. I still would like to get married some day, I would like to be a mom, but no longer do I HAVE to have these things in order to feel complete and whole as a woman. In fact, I have watched friends so desperate for “the one” that will surely complete them, that now they are finding themselves even more broken than they ever could have imagined. My heart hurts for them more than I have words to express… I have worked to learn from them, to gain wisdom where I can, and to pray all the time for them and for wisdom for myself in the future when I am placed in a situation with a potential guy.

Even still, there are days that I look at my life and things going on and have a conversation with the Lord that consists of “God.. you have GOT to be kidding me.. seriously?.. This is what you’re asking me to walk through?!? What the Hell?!” (no joke I’ve had that conversation with God haha)… Then eventually after a LOT of prayer and thinking I come around to “Ok, fine, but I NEED you to be here with me the whole way!”  I find myself dealing with issues and problems I never would have even comprehended several years ago. I am making choices and learning things I have never desired to make or learn. I am living places I could have cared less about, but I am excited that I have no idea what is to come if my history is any indication. I struggling with new things every day, and am dramatically different than I was even a year ago, but, God and I are talking more now than ever before. I would not trade any of my past for any of the plans I had before.

To be completely honest, I could not be more content “in” my singleness. I have spent so much time thanking God for the closed doors and for protecting my heart and mind in this area.. Recently I have begun working very hard to keep the murmurs of “when you’re content is when God brings the guy into your life” comments from well meaning people from influencing my heart because I am content to not have any idea one way or another about a guy in my life at any point in the future. I have finally reached contentment enough to not assume every guy who enters my life “might be….” and instead I am so incredibly thankful for the relationship and the unique spot it fills in my life for that moment, regardless of what that means. To bring it all down to one thing, I am content to let God figure His plan out, and let me know at the appropriate time… But, man what a ride so far…

Lost in Thought…

I don’t know if anyone else ever gets like this, but there are days.. sometimes weeks where I am constantly lost in my thoughts. Lately I have been here.. just totally absorbed in whatever I am thinking.. which usually takes place when I drive, and since I have been doing a lot of driving, I have also been doing a lot of thinking. But, what is cool in the whole thing is how much processing is getting done, how much praying I have been doing, and how much I have finally had the chance to realize why I have been responding the way I have to certain things going on in my life and the lives of those around me…

This weekend I drove down to Lynchburg again (I think I have bought stock in the roads I take..) to help throw one of my besties her bridal shower (she’s getting married in 2 weeks to one of my other best friends… SO EXCITED!). And, the drive down was by far the fastest drive I think I have ever made.. only it took the typical 4 hours after work, but I was so engrossed in thought and prayer that I apparently was not really focused on driving.. although I remember the entire drive…

I am so thankful for a couple things and have been really praying about a few other things…

Mostly I am thankful that I currently do not loath my job… Just that weight alone has made a HUGE difference in the amount of laughter that has returned to my life. Thank you Jesus!

While my class is not my favorite, it is also the one that I have understood the most (sadly it’s statistic too!).. and the one the professor is really working with me, offering me extra credit problems (which let’s be honest, that’s a win-win for everyone.. but mostly for my education!).

I am unbelievably thankful for the nice weather, and the warm temperatures. I know most people hate the heat, but I literally HATE cold.. I hate being cold.. I hate being in the cold.. It just makes me kinda grumpy… So, the extended daylight hours and warmer temperatures have done wonders for my body feeling alive again!

Sleep is not exactly my friend recently.. especially with this newly acquired cough from all the airplane rides lately.. But, somehow I have not turned into a grump with the severe lack of sleep.

I miss my church here in DC… but, I am really thankful for getting to visit my other churches from the various other places I have lived. Yesterday I was brought to tears by all the men/dads who went forward after the service… I did not realize how much I have been starved of solid Christian men recently who earnestly seek the Lord and want to be the men/dads etc.. they were created to be until I burst into tears yesterday. I mean, let’s be honest, I have amazing men in my life… My dad, brothers, friends etc.. but none of them are here in the Metro DC area for me to interact with on a regular bases. There is just something about those Christ following, Y chromosome carrying beings that moves my heart… Which leads me to another thought and prayer…

I have been thinking a lot about relationships lately.. partially due to the high number of weddings, but also partially due to the nature of girl conversations.. A guy texts, fb, e-mails etc.. and it becomes the source of girly talk for a while… Needing all the details, thoughts, etc.. regardless of what the contents that were included actually were. But, in the midst of it all, I find myself totally content to be exactly where I am… Life is crazy right now, and I know that. Trying to ask a man to come and get me right now would be a horrible thing to task him with… However, even still I know that I still desire to get married and have a family, but more than that I need to serve my savior.. regardless of what that looks like. I would love for a man to come “sweep me off my feet” and for everything that goes with that.. But, my reality is, my life is not conducive for that right now.. and I am ok with that. I also chatted with a couple friends about what would I do IF a guy decided to willingly enter into my chaos.. (because we’re girls and we like these types of talks).. And, I had to explain that my perspective is not due to me being against a relationship or lacking a desire for one.. but merely because I recognize the ridiculousness in asking someone to pursue me right now. I would without hesitation create time for him (which would likely mean less sleep), but that I do not have time to create opportunity for him to pursue, wait for him to pursue, then make time for him… That is just too much. However, if he (this figment of girls imagination guy) chose to pursue me anyway, knowing what is going on in my life, then I would gladly make room for him if I thought there was a chance… But until then, I will assume that every man who enters my life is there to fill a friend role.

So, all in all life is finally feeling less oppressed. A friend even commented “you laughed and giggled a lot.. is everything ok?” and it helped me to realize just how much life can become drudgery when so many factors are playing into our stress… I like when my first reaction is to laugh instead of merely fake a smile.

Thank you God that things are looking up finally!

Fathers Day…

This is my grandpa and dad. They are amazing men, and have amazing legacy’s.

Today at church today (I was at Brentwood in Lynchburg) and John Dupin was talking about being fathers, and how their role and responsibility is not just about them being dad’s to their kids, but according to the Bible their legacy carries on until their GRANDKIDS die… Meaning their children’s children are influenced by who they are..

So, in honor of that, these are the men that have influenced me more than almost any other men in my life. Grandpa has such a precious place in my heart, and always has apparently, not only did he CHOOSE to be my grandpa, he chose to love me just like all the other grandkids. You see, he married my grandma when she already had two kids… Took them as his own, and raised them without ever acting like they were not his. And, due to the way he raised them, both of them actually changed their last names to his… So, I proudly carry this man’s last name 🙂 As a small child I was not afraid of him and would insist on hugs (some things never change..) I have a picture from the two of us camping when I was 3 (maybe) and we’re eating breakfast, and he’s making faces at me, and I’m just giggling my head off… and we’re the only two at the table 🙂 Several years later we have pictures of me “doing” his hair or my bird siting on his head as he just laughs and chats with my family. My grandma (who died when I was 16) always said that I was the one grandkid that always insisted on hugs from grandpa, and was ultimately the one that broke him into hugging all of us 🙂 Love this man.

On to my dad, as odd as this may sound (stick with me cause I’ll explain)… My dad is probably one of the single most influential reasons as to why I have stuck with the purity that I have, and have the confidence to remain pure until I am married. Because of the intentional influence my dad has had in my life, making time for me, telling me I am pretty, I am intelligent, capable etc..etc.. I am confident in who I am, who God made me to be, and I know exactly the man it will take to earn my love and respect. I have countless memories of “daddy dates” with my dad, which always included some form of food and a movie.. and sometimes included shopping.. which was always fun with dad and his two questions “Do you like it?… Will you wear it?”.. haha Or the time just before Senior prom when my date flaked on me, and somehow throughout the grace of God a friend stepped in, my dad bought me a corsage… it was the first and only one I’ve had, and I loved it! Or the time dad bought me a puppy, or a bunny rabbit for valentines day.. I remember that valentines day still.. I was SO THRILLED that I got something I didn’t even care what it was.. But!.. it was fuzzy! I remember the literally countless hours training with dad telling me “You can do this…” in the midst of learning new moves. Or the one night Dad and I sat in the car and I told him about how scared I was after college to move away and essentially start life and follow wherever God lead me.. Because what if something happened to them at home, I would not be there to help, or I would miss important time with all of them while I was away.. And, dad so graciously told me that he’s known for a very long time I would be out conquering the world, God would take me all over the place, and I would always visit home, never staying for long.. But, that he would rather that than know I had missed out on my calling and what God made me to do… The freedom I felt and the weight that was lifted off my chest when I was essentially given the freedom and permission to grow and unfold my wings and fly was one I will never forget. My dad has always been the one person who can explain anything to me, and who always is my “you can do this” person.

Thank you Grandpa and Dad for being the men of God that you are! I love you lots!

Save the World…

I don’t often do this, and I don’t have a whole lot of time today… But, I have a couple organizations/companies I want to highlight..

First one is TOMS I have mentioned them before, I follow them on twitter.. and I check their website constantly for new styles. If you do not know about TOMS, you really should check them out. They are known as a “One for One” company. Meaning they are a for profit company that donates one pair of shoes for every pair that is bought. Which means when I spend $60 on a pair of shoes and shipping.. I am really paying $60 for two pairs of shoes and TWO sets of shipping because I have also bought a pair of shoes for a child in another country. TOMS just launched a new One for One with eye wear.. Meaning for every pair of sunglasses (I know they’re expensive) that are bought, someone in another country gets a pair of glasses or gets their vision restored. It’s pretty freakin sweet if you ask me! I have attached a couple links for ease of movement around their website to get their full story and see the videos they have posted.

Now, on to my second organization.. I just stumbled upon this one here today. And, I cannot get it out of my head.. This is a BRILLIANT idea!!… Leave it up to a resident from a third world country to realize how wasteful we are in the US and not complain at all.. but actually make a tiny switch in habits to literally save the world. I am so impressed with the simplicity, effectiveness, and goals of this organization! The general idea is to collect all the partially used soaps from thousands of hotels across the country, melt the soaps down (with the same brands/scents etc..), re-solidify them, cut them up, and send them out to people who are unable to afford soap over food. But, in this small act they are saving people from TOTALLY preventable diseases and colds. I am so impressed and excited at this concept!! To check it out, visit their website: www.globalsoap.org

Ok, that is all.. I’ll get off my “soapbox” now haha 🙂

Hope you enjoyed a small glimpse into organizations and companies that excite me!

Perturbed..

I am rather perturbed as I sit here.. (again in my hammock).. The homework that I got mostly done yesterday saved as a corrupt file. Awesome.

Thankfully it’s not a super difficult assignment, just time consuming to put the formulas in… But, on a good note, my prof is giving me some extra credit! Praise the Lord!

And, just to say it, work will be interesting for the next little while.. Should be an interesting ride.

On a totally different note.. and not a perturbed one.. I’m headed down to Lynchburg again this weekend for one of my Besties bridal shower! I’m excited 🙂

Delicate Balance…

It amazes me sometimes how delicate of a balance God has everything in..

The Earth is placed EXACTLY right so we can have life.

The Seasons come and go exactly when they are needed.

Bringing bugs to a new land makes things go nuts.. which means a new predator is required.. and the cycle continues. (Lady bugs, stink bugs.. etc..)

Life is so delicate, from the very beginning. I have a couple pregnant friends, and I am absolutely in love with their stories of daily life, but I am constantly reminded of how delicate of a time the moms and baby’s are in during pregnancy. They aim for “safe zones” so just in case something happens and the babies are born early they are “safe.” The babies literally depend on the mother’s love and nurturing from the beginning… which in turn requires the mommies to rely on the dad’s for the same love and nurturing… which in turn requires the daddies to rely on God for the same love and nurturing. Delicate balance!

Which brings me to life in general. It is so delicate. Even for someone like me who “can handle anything” … Life can change in an instant without warning or control. I tend to look at the instant changes as exciting and part of my adventure, but I am well aware and have experienced some really horrible instant changes… and I know others have faced worse ones… But, then again, in an instant a couple can fall in love, get married, etc.. There is such a beautiful delicate balance that God has set up and placed before us.

I am amazed how delicate we are.. and how delicately God treats us, but how harsh we are naturally towards each other… or maybe just I am towards others…