Regrowing

ˌrēˈɡrō/ verb/ gerund or present participle: Regrowing "to grow or be grown anew or continued growth after an injury or after having died or withered"

Fasting…

So.. today I fasted until sundown. Which is not a substantial fast in my book, but it is the first one I have ever done (whoa)…

This morning I just woke up feeling I needed more of Jesus.. but totally lost as to how, why, when etc.. I have begun listening to the Bible on my ipod on the way into work, and while I love it, that just was not enough today. So, I decided that I just really needed to connect more, and fasting was the first thing that came to mind.

So, all day long every time I thought about food or felt hungry I prayed about my life, things I was thinking, feeling, frustrated by.. but I mostly just prayed about God and I…

It is no mystery that I dislike the way my life is right now.. there’s a whole lot of stress, and not a lot of redeeming things to “bring me back” to center or content. There are glimpses of possible relief, but I am going on a solid year in a half or so of life just being very stressful and rough, from all directions. Today I realized I am literally just tired. The type of tired that does not get fixed by a nap or a day in the sun.. It does not get fixed by a weekend of nothing.. It is like my tired is a constant state at my core. It is not really a circumstantial thing, like last weekend I LOVED and cherished every moment I was with my friends and all the laughter, but that is not what I need to fix this… I recognized today that as always, I literally need Jesus to fix this.

So, today in the midst of all of this I also realized I do not have any plan or anything I “would like to do” … I am mostly just focused on surviving work and school.. And regaining the drive to work out that I lost time for over the last month.

I have so many friends traveling, getting married, having kids, etc.. and it is not that “I want what they have,” it is that they seem to have a path and a direction to follow, and I feel completely lacking any purpose or direction. I feel like I am stuck for an uncertain amount of time (although November still feels like the end of the “I’ll try it for a year” feeling I had at the beginning of all of this DC stuff…), but I have no idea of where or how I will do whatever is next.. And, for some reason being in the situation I am here I feel more stuck than temporarily here… It is a little weird for me to feel stuck.

Right now, I keep trying to remind myself that this season is about learning… closing my mouth and just learning.. Learn what to do, what not to do, best practices, loving unconditionally etc…. But, man am I not a fan of this season.

Lord, I need some serious guidance and direction. I am content today, but not content to stay here. I feel lost and without direction. I have no words, but you know what I need…

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This entry was posted on July 7, 2011 by in Fasting, God.
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