There are times that I just do not feel like I fit. Life has changed and is different than it has been (ever, but that sounds way more dramatic than it actually is). I feel almost as if there is no where that I fit right now, no where that is home, and no where that feels like “my place.” I was thinking about it last night, and I am wondering if God is doing this so that He can close the doors and move me forward.. I hope so because I would gladly close these doors and move forward to what God has planned.
There is a part of me that is content to stop looking back and move forward, and a part of me that is frustrated at the same time. I am finding the typical responses that people try to use to “help” or “comfort” me to be trite and shallow, which has been leaving me incredibly frustrated instead. I have spent a decent amount of time praying about it, and feeling like maybe I needed to just change my attitude, but really I think it has more to do with the fact that the things people are using to encourage me are not authentic, they do not spur me forward or towards Christ, and instead tend to be a typical fake response.. or worse, encouragement or advice originating from a selfish place.. like “you should just move here/home” or “I can’t wait to see who God has planned for you..” (which at this point seems more like a comment to make them feel better about being my single friend now having a significant other)..
Last weekend I was able to spend some time talking with my bff, and she brought up all the possible responses she could say that essentially “could be” true and authentic, but ultimately are not helpful or appropriate. Sometimes people say them from a perspective aimed at helping and encouraging, but instead they are said from a place of not understanding the heart of the issue is coming from so ultimately not helpful, but make the person feel better. Other times the comments are full of understanding and truth. My bff did an amazing job (as always) of understanding my heart behind what I was saying, and responding to what I meant deep down instead of what I was actually saying (one of many reasons I love and cherish her friendship in my life).
So, right now I am at a place of not really being sure what is up. I have no words to describe, and just find most common place “encouragement” frustrating and annoying because of the lack of understanding… Which, to be fair, how can they if I cannot put into words what I am feeling and what is going on… However, soon, things will be different and better.