Something New…

I have had an interesting few weeks, I have been experiencing and walking through, and into some new situations and feelings, and it has brought on some new thoughts and revelations about myself.

Typically, I am a very confident and self assured person. I know who I am and what I believe in when it comes to most any area of myself or my life. However, there are a few circumstances (ok maybe just one) where I begin to allow doubts to creep in.. in fact, it is less that I allow it and more that the devil and I have our own special code for what I should feel or think.. or in reality doubt about myself. I have found myself in that situation again recently, but this time it has caused different reactions or responses than what I have experienced in the past. For example, while all the emotions are still there, the freak outs are very minimal because I have very little guessing to do which keeps my mind from running away like a crazy person… I am finding that I am getting the chance to process through things before I need to react, and thankfully, I have begun to realize where some of my emotions or fears have come from.. which allows me the chance to work through them instead of merely ignore them, only to then have to deal with them at a later inconvenient date.

I have had a few revelations.. or things told to me recently, some of which I know, but often forget, and others I have simply not every considered before. For example, it was brought to my attention that I am of “amazing” character, morals, convictions, care, and love.. (aww thank you) and then it was pointed out that this person thinks part of the reason I am still single has more to do with how intimidating my stance on me not having sex before marriage is to the guys who pursue me… It was an interesting thought that I had never really considered before.. Not that it changes anything, but is just something I had never thought of… Thankfully the person who told me also affirmed their respect and admiration for my position on it, which meant I was not confused about their position or reason for telling me…

I also have realized lately how much I am used to taking care of myself.. I mean, I know that being single sort of brings with it a level of self-centeredness and independence (neither of which are necessarily bad things, but more just a byproduct of not having to run things by someone else). In the process of realizing my natural tendency towards taking care of myself, I realized how much of a struggle.. and I mean legitimate struggle it is for me to let someone else take care of me.. I almost view it as my responsibility to take care of others, not let them take care of me… That’s been an interesting thing to learn, and try and walk through.. Graciously.

In addition, I have begun to really process through some of my fears and some of the things that have happened to me in the past. Ways I have been hurt, ways I made poor decisions that lead to additional pain, and ways that I had no idea situations affected me until I had an emotional reaction about them later. It is incredibly interesting to discover things about yourself that you just had no idea existed until the emotions take over.. it is very humbling and difficult to acknowledge.

What I do know at this point is there are new things in my life that are good things, but not easy things that will prove to force me to grow in ways I have never had to before. Should be interesting…

Christmas 2011…

Christmas at home was wonderful.. I got to snuggle with my three favorite midget people.. I got sooo many hugs, laughed so much, and got to have some really great conversations with so many people I love about topics I am passionate about.

So, here are a few highlights from my Christmas time at home 2011 style…

Three little munchkin faces light up my life unlike anything else in the entire world.

My sister and I had a FANTASTIC talk about God, Africa, our worldviews, what does it look like or mean to judge others, and how loving others as a way of life affects everything and is really challenging.. It was a fantastic conversation 🙂

I got to talk with my mom and sister about life.. just things going on, what I am thinking, things that I working through or struggling with.. Loved it.

I got to see a dear beautiful friend and my cousin and we had the chance to talk for hours over coffee (or hot chocolate) about relationships, the good, the bad, the ugly… and the confusing…

We played a hysterical game of pictionary/telephone (Scribblish) and we all just laughed at each other and the ridiculousness that people would interpret or draw… It was a lot of fun.

I loved getting the chance to talk with my mom, brother, sister in law, and sister about things that our family has been through and hearing each of our perspectives on any given situation. It was really neat to hear about the different things.. Especially since I spent most of that conversation with my niece cuddled in my lap.

We watched several moves (all of which I have seen before) but I got to cuddle with my sister and make comments throughout the movies… While my youngest nephew would come, bring his dart gun, and “fix it” so he could go shoot someone over.. and over.. and over..

At the Christmas Eve get together I got to talk and give special undivided (ok mostly undivided) attention to each family member that I really do not get to see much.

I got to spend most of one of the days with my absolute longest friend in the entire world to celebrate her birthday, and we just had fun talking and catching up.

And then, of course, there is the epic family Christmas present opening marathon that my family loves so much.

It was a great break, it was so nice to be home and see everyone. Love. My. Family.

Hello, Good-Bye 2011…

I really love keeping a blog, I enjoy the outlet it gives me to speak my mind, the comfort it offers in getting out the thoughts that are both dear to my heart or frivolously in my head. I made a serious concerted effort this year to blog 4-6 days a week, and for the most part, I am surprised to say I have kept that up.. Not perfectly, and sometimes only because I almost always have my phone in tow and shared pictures of my travels throughout the summer.

However, I have two favorite posts that I have posted annually, the first one looks back on the year and the second one looks forward at the next year. In preparation to write this year’s 2011 review I went back and looked at the 2010 look back, and the 2011 look forward. These two blogs really serve as a perfect little reminder of where I am and where I want to be going… Plus, it allows me the chance to update on the goals I had for this year. Christmas just always proves to be one of the best and most memorable times to review and take an internal check so that I can then move forward next year.

So, as always, this year in review will likely be a fairly long post, and while I almost never review the year the same as I have in the past, it remains my favorite post to make each year.


The year started off surrounded by so many wonderful people in my fairly new house. Two of my best friends got engaged (to each other) seconds after the 2011 ball dropped, which commenced all of us into seven months of wedding planning and excitement (more on their wedding later).

We got our fifth and final roomie (for a while), and we welcomed into our lives a wonderful and incredibly broken person. Another roomie and I began having serious issues, and as much as I tried, I could not seem to communicate in a manner that helped either one of us… And, eventually the relationship sadly dwindled into co-existence at best.

I began another difficult class in my double masters program, and proceeded to sit on the couch for hours every night having near melt downs trying to understand finance…

My very best friend in the whole world got married in Georgia, and I was so thrilled and honored to stand up in her wedding with eight other beautiful girls and nine great guys. It was a fantastic trip down, and a great celebration!

I joined a gym, and ended up signing up for what turned into five months of personal training sessions twice a week. I looked forward to and loved these couple hours a week because the trainer was a great match to my skill, passion for martial arts, humor, and he improved my body in ways I was unsure could happen… Well worth the money for the time period I was in and how I was feeling.

My birthday… dun. dun. dun. Was actually amazing this year. (whew!) I have had so many issues with my birthday over the  years that this year I was just too scared to hope for anything good, and just decided I wanted one thing. For one of my best friends to come and stay the weekend with me. She surprised me (by showing up late.. haha) with two more girl friends that I love to death sitting on my couch when I got home from dinner.. Which, because of the stress level I was under, I began to tear up just seeing and hugging them.. I then turned around to another friend creeping across the living room, which of course sent me into more tears being just so excited that he too was there… THEN, I was tapped on the shoulder, turned around to find my little brother holding a dozen roses (hands down my favorite birthday gift every year are these roses from my brothers). I just stood there dumbfounded and silent, then finally blurted out “Why are you here?!” then proceeded to hug the life out of him.. and SOB. As in, I could not breathe, I could not talk, I could not see.. I just sobbed and hugged my brother while everyone laughed at my reaction. THEN, the next day my friend/sister/old roomie showed up with cake and two more of my good friends.. and we proceeded to have a perfect weekend around DC exploring the Spy museum and getting Thai food. It was perfect, and I was reminded I am loved.

The day after my birthday we had 30 (or so) people laid-off from my workplace…


February is a bit of a blur, I mostly just remember hating life, arguing with one of my roomies a lot, sitting on the couch under blankets, and trying to understand my homework.

I also really remember struggling with my job situation and being totally and completely unhappy.

 But, the most overwhelming thing I remember from February are the feelings of total despair, being stuck, miserable, and totally feeling forgotten and unimportant. I literally remember feeling like I was not myself, but having no idea how to FIND myself again.


The most significant thing that happened in March was an out of the blue friend was made from reading my blog. I have no idea why or how she found me, but we began e-mailing several times a week about life, Jesus, pain, hurt, brokenness, Christianity, Christians, etc.. I was totally unsure how to handle the situations she presented me with, but what did end up coming from it was a lot of prayer on my part for her. I was amazed at the honesty she had when talking to me about her life and situations she has been in. I was humbled by the trust she had in me and broken for her and her situation. (I have not heard from her much in the last several months, but I still pray for her, her salvation, and that Jesus would do, what Jesus does in her life.)

I spent a great deal of March trying to figure out how I fit in the DC area. I did not like DC, I did not like my life here, and I really did not like that I felt stuck here. I had little to no friends, and had even fewer people who understood me.

I continued to hate my online class and felt more and more belittled and frustrated at work.

The biggest feelings I have from March are that of feeling unsafe and like the best I had to offer was to “keep it together.”


April brought my best friend and his wife to visit for our annual Easter weekend together. I needed them more than I think they will ever understand. They understand me, they laugh with and at me, and more than anything, their friendship is solid no matter where we are in life. We had a great weekend in DC, we even went roller blading (old school I know, but it is our thing!).

April also brought with it an acute understanding that I was missing my Savior at my very core. I knew something was missing, I knew I felt lost, and I also knew I had no idea what to do. I felt empty and broken, and felt like I was completely directionless.

What I do remember though on a positive note is how pretty DC is in the spring. The flowers, trees, warm breeze.. it was truly beautiful and I finally found something I enjoyed about living here!

April also kick-started my insanely hectic always busy weekend summer schedule.


May brought a lot of wedding showers.. Several friends were getting married, so I traveled to and from Lynchburg a lot in order to feel like I was much more a part of something than I actually was.

I realized in May that I truly was beginning to hate my job because of a couple particularly challenging individuals, and I really was struggling with the Lord on my attitude towards my job and the people causing the issues. I also began seriously searching for a new job…

I spent most of May exhausted. I had almost every moment of every day for the entire month planned out, down to how long it took me to get places. It was all rather ridiculous really… But, the busyness allowed me to fake ok. It is easier for me to fake that I am ok because I was so busy every “not ok” moment can be blamed on exhaustion and not getting enough sleep, and then anything that did not fall under that category could be lumped in with the stress of school and being incredibly busy at work…

I hid my heart and refused to acknowledge the pain going on at my core to anyone else for the entire month.


One of our roomies moved out, and another one replaced her. It was both sad and exciting at the same time.

I went home for the first time since Christmas to surprise my brother for his birthday, loved being home and seeing everyone, and it gave me a good reprieve from not feeling like I belonged or fit anywhere.

I left from MI back to DC for a night, then down to FL for a week-long annual convention for work. I spent the better part of the entire month traveling, I acquired a cough I could not get rid of, and spent the majority of my time doing homework in the hammock we had set up in our backyard… I am pretty sure that hammock saved my life this summer haha 🙂

I had more wedding showers and more traveling back down to Lynchburg, and I honestly have no idea how I found the time to do my homework.. much less understand and pass the class…

I spent a great deal of June trying to do an internal check and figure out what I needed to do to make my life “ok” again. At this point I really realized how much I disliked my life, and I knew I needed to make a change, and I knew a lot of it was that I was not willing to humble myself enough to talk to my Savior about the things really bothering me.. So, God and I began having some pretty serious “what the hell” conversations.. It was actually quite liberating to know He was listening to me spout off like a little child, and that He still cared and loved me..

Also, while this is my first mention of it in this post, I L.O.V.E. my church, and throughout the whole year they really were the one lighthouse that I had. Over the summer, they did a series called the God Anthology, they picked and talked about nine attributes of God. While I was crazy busy, my church remained the one thing about DC I loved and was (and still am) unsure I ever wanted to give up…

The one thing that began to offer some genuine reprieve that I did not even know I needed was having a friend from Lynchburg move to DC. While we were in the same group of friends there, we were not super close.. But she has become such a God send to me. Her friendship, loyalty, humor, adventurous spirit, and level headedness… as well as her love for fun and doing things has been exactly what I did not even know I needed.


The two best friends that got engaged on New Years got married over the 4th of July weekend. It was a pretty epic weekend.. One that included a lake day, 11 other bridesmaids, 12 groomsmen, several flower girls and ring bearers, three pastors, and a sneak attack surprise of chucks shoes for the dance off at the reception… I got to see so many old friends, meet new ones, and party like crazy celebrating the union of two of my best friends! It was a pretty epic and fantastic wedding weekend 🙂

It was about this point in the year that I finally began realizing I (while crazy busy) was finding my place in DC. I did not particularly like most of the things going on, and it was not my ideal, but I was able to say that I had friends and that maybe I was making a life here after all… With the exception of the fact that I was still job hunting… and still really wanting to move to Atlanta…

I also realized in July exactly how stressed out I was… So, I took a couple day trips or mornings to relax.. I really thought a couple times I was going to lose it on some poor unsuspecting soul…

I had a period of time in July where it seemed that my virginity came up over and over in almost any situation. I found the conversation empowering and very intriguing as well. I was quite surprised by the interest others had in my choice to remain a virgin until I get married… the reactions were.. priceless and pretty much spanned the gambit. Some were not surprised in the slightest, some thought it was purely accidental, others were completely blown away because apparently I do not seem “the type.” However, it really caused me to begin looking at those areas of my life and realize that not only am I not ashamed or embarrassed by them in the slightest, I am very thankful and proud that God and I have this story together.. and that I have the boldness to talk about it with others, and explain eloquently why I am still a virgin.


I went home in the beginning of August to help plan and celebrate my parent’s 30th wedding anniversary, and it was awesome. We had a blast, and I was reminded once again how absolutely amazing my family is. I am always amazed at how close we are and how much we all genuinely LOVE to be around each other, joking, laughing, reading, talking, watching movies.. whatever.. we love it.

I also went with one of my friends to the Bachata congress here in DC, and we had SO much fun. We were so sore, tired, and our poor feet suffered greatly, but overall it was a fantastic experience, and one that helped me learn so much more about dancing, and helped renew my love for it.

In August we also had an Earthquake in DC (which you can see the destruction my place suffered here), and a hurricane… although I left to visit my best friend and her husband during the hurricane, and helped them move.. It was a long and tiring weekend, but I loved every minute of it because I was with them!

I could tell by the end of August I was really getting antsy for life to FEEL normal. I wanted to feel like I belonged, like God and I were close again, like I was important, like I had value to offer, and I longed to enjoy my job once again…


I spent the first half of September really evaluating where I was, and really ready inside to take a moment and breathe. I felt like I was drowning and like nothing anyone said was relieving my stress.

Thankfully I had a free airplane ticket to use and some extra time off, so I peaced out to California to see my cousin. We spent four days in southern California doing whatever we pleased to celebrate her 3rd anniversary (even though her husband was deployed at the time). We laid on the beach, played in the VERY cold water, got pedicures, ate amazing food, walked down the beach, took paddle boarding lessons, made amazing homemade food, and watched movies.. not to mention talked and laughed for all four days. It was during that break that I FINALLY felt something break. It was like God had released the pressure valve on my stress level and I could finally think, feel, and process clearly. I felt content inside my soul once again… I had almost forgotten what that felt like.

We also celebrated the 10th anniversary (has it REALLY been that long?!) of the 9/11 terrorist attacks…

I was reminded during September how much I am loved, and for whatever reason I was finally able to start understanding it deep down.. I am surrounded by friends who love me and send flowers just because they knew I was having a rough week..


I finally knew what contentment felt like, and it was like a dew kissed morning.

I became debt free except for my student loans in October, and the new found freedom is awesome!

The biggest thing I remember from October is feeling like I finally found my groove. I finally felt like I was BUILDING a life.. and while I was not too thrilled with certain situations with work or school still, I had peace once more, and knew I was going to be ok.

I made the decision to sign the lease at the end of the month, which essentially meant I was committing to another year here in DC… I was a little worried I was making a mistake, but knew I needed to make a choice regardless and let God do his thing and figure out what was going to happen.

I also ran my first 10k.. and I RAN the whole thing.. the furthest I have ever run.. in my ENTIRE life.. I was pretty stoked.. then I walked like an 85 year old man for several days haha!


November seemed like it FLEW by to me. I am not entirely sure where the month went..

I think the most unique thing about November for me was all of the things that felt like they began settling into place. For starters, it went down in record as the longest I had lived in one place for the last nine years (whoa!). I had not realized how transient my life was, and how almost bizarre it felt to live in the SAME place not having to pack up or move anywhere… Such a unique feeling.

I was able to reconnect with an old friend from Freshman year of college, and it has become such a welcome surprise and rekindling of a friendship.

I cooked my first Thanksgiving dinner with the help of a friend… and it wasn’t easy, but we had fun and only had a few minor mishaps..

I began reading and finished reading Start Something That Matters by Blake Mycoskie (the founder of TOMS Shoes) and was incredibly inspired…

Work became suddenly significantly easier and less stress filled due to staffing changes, it was almost a visible change in my stress level and it could not have come at a more perfect time. This made it easier to decide that I can stay where I am until God really moves me elsewhere…

Overall it was a good month, not void of frustrations or annoyances, but definitely one of the best months I have had in around a year in a half…

I also met a guy through a mutual friend that I have been on a few dates with, he has proven to be much nicer than I am used to in the men I typically date. I have absolutely no idea where it is going, but after a few (somewhat minor) freak outs I have settled into trusting that God knows what He is doing and walking through this door and seeing what happens.


I cannot believe December is almost over… Where did this year go? The most challenging thing about this year is there were so many reoccurring feelings and frustrations that it makes the entire year blend into itself…

This month I have spent a great deal of time feeling like life is normal.. Well normal aside from trying to figure out if I like this guy while at the same time understanding that the emotions do not accurately reflect reality and just enjoying it is really the key.

What I do know is that the Lord and I are reconnecting.. Prayer comes easier again, and just sitting and being with my Savior is something I am enjoying again.


Hands down of the most stressful and pressure filled years I have ever had… While I would NEVER.. ever choose to re-live this year, I can honestly say I am so thankful to have been through this year and survived. I learned so many things about prayer, stress, pressure, friends, and know without any shadow of a doubt that patience was created and increased ten fold in my life this year.

While this is a gross exaggeration of what has happened this year, I feel like Job at the end of his book in the Bible, an overwhelming sense of peace and an acute awareness of the blessings in my life.

Please Lord, do not ever make me repeat this year, but thank you for all the times you carried me and comforted me while I struggled. Thank you for proving once again you are faithful and that no matter where I am, what I am going through or who I am dealing with you not only care, but you hear me when I talk to you. Thank you for giving me the chance to learn and for putting the people in my life I needed to survive. Thank you for teaching me another thing or two about humility and compassion, and for growing my heart for the lost and broken.

I have no idea what to expect for the next year, I would love for it to be a fantastic year, but I have no sense of what is to come at all. But, what I do know is, if the last couple years are any indication, it is going to be a very… interesting year!

Uncle Mark…

Six years ago about this time I was out Christmas shopping to help distract my roomie who’s uncle had committed suicide. I was a junior in college and home on break. While we were out shopping my dad called and told me that he needed to talk to me, and wanted to know where I was and if someone was with me. I knew instantly something was terribly wrong.. and true to form I always assume the worst. However, this time, the worst wasn’t even close to what I had imagined. My dad began explaining what little information he knew, which was about the sum total that my uncle (his little brother) had committed suicide by hanging himself on a door knob.

… and then I just remember wandering aimlessly around the mall not really hearing him as he explained what little information he knew at the time. I remember hanging up and calling one of my best friends from college and telling him what had happened and while I do not really remember what he said, I remember him sitting in silence with me on the phone for what seemed like a very long time as I continued to wander and tell him I didn’t understand and I couldn’t believe it…

Why would my uncle do this? Didn’t he know how much we all needed and loved him?.. How much I needed and loved him? How could he be THAT stubborn?.. How could he be that depressed? How could he do this to us?.. To me?.. Didn’t he know he was my favorite uncle? No, there must be some mistake, the uncle Mark I knew would never do that… There is no way he did this DAYS before Christmas.. Didn’t he know he has three small boys that need him!?.. Didn’t he know I was almost done with a degree he talked me into at 15?!.. How?… Why?.. What was he thinking?..

The thoughts were incessant for days…

I cried a lot the next few days…

One of my most vivid memories from the viewing and funeral was a moment that I had snuck away to cry again. I needed a moment to cry and I was trying as hard as I could to not cry in front of the family… We didn’t need more tears. I was sitting down a side hallway at the church and I heard someone coming, knowing they were looking for me I began to compose myself.. Only to discover it was my older brother. He got it. He knew how I was feeling. We shared so many of the same memories of playing with our beloved uncle. We shared so many laughs with our uncle Mark, the same schemes we had pulled off, the play fights, and the long talks… My brother came to find me when he saw me missing, and knew instantly that I needed him. I remember walking up to him with tears in both of our eyes and him just saying “I know…” and we hugged while we both cried.

I don’t remember the last time I saw my uncle. I was in college, back and forth between school and home, and summer camps… I have no idea what the last thing I said to him was…

I miss him all the time, and it took me months before I could even think about him without crying.

It was made worse the following December when a good friend of mine was hit and killed by a car during exam week of my Senior year. That death marked the third death in a row during the Christmas season I had experienced, and I was beside myself with grief… making entirely new and raw the old wounds… It brought all of it back, the pain and grief…

My uncle struggled with a lot of things, a lot of issues… But, what I remember the most is how much I loved him, and knew he loved me. He called me “Sister Mister” for as long as I can remember with a particularly high octave voice that was not natural… He was the only close family member that did not forsake us when I was little, and he was the one that taught me to shoot guns, climb trees, play video games, and drive a stick shift truck (sorta haha)… He helped spark a love for the marital arts and learning to be stealthy in the woods.

He is the reason I went into communications as a major in college, and subsequently is the reason I am doing it still almost 12 years later.. He sold me on the concept, the idea, and the excitement it would have… He also talked me into taking scuba diving lesson when I was 14… haha

I remember always feeling special and treasured when he would come and whisk my brother and I away to go play or help him demolish the inside of his house… I can still hear his voice in my head, I can still see his face when we would light something on fire and it wouldn’t go as planned and we would all scatter and laugh hoping grandma and grandpa didn’t catch us… I miss his laugh… I miss his hugs and having to be alert just in case me made a swat towards my head that I needed to block or duck.

Suicide is never easy, but I literally have no idea how someone who does not believe in Christ gets through it.

I miss him a lot, and I cannot believe it has been six years.


Focus is something I am lacking as of late.

Maybe it has something to do with my new found (and despised) sleeping pattern, possibly because of a new relationship in my life… or maybe it has to do with the fact that I am heading to the mitten state soon to see my favorite little people and loved ones who fill my heart to overflowing..

Maybe it really is just that I have lacked discipline in my life lately and my body and mind are rebelling..

Whatever it is, I feel like focus is eluding me.

Re-Doing Church…

A friend on Facebook posted this not long ago, and I am really intrigued by this thought provoking sermon by Francis Chan. First, let me say, one of the biggest reasons I love Francis Chan’s speaking is his humility. I appreciate his perspective on the Bible and on Christ and what it looks like to lead a Christian life. I do not pray for him as often as I should, but his ministry is amazing.

So, please watch, thoughts?

Not My Own…

Several weeks ago, Dick Foth spoke at my church for a two part series “Hallowed” which roughly means “Holy.” He talked about the Lords prayer and just what exactly are we asking for when we say the Lords prayer. In case you have never heard it or just want a refresher:

“Our Father, who art in Heaven,
Hallowed be thy name.
Thy Kingdom Come,
Thy will be done on earth, as it is in Heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our trespasses,
As we forgive those who trespass against us.
And, lead us not into temptation,
But deliver us from the evil one.
For thine is the Kingdom,
The power,
and the Glory,
For ever and ever.

Even though this is old English, I still like this version the best.
There is a different cadence to it that I enjoy, which is ironic since I do not really like any other verses in old English.

One of the things that was pointed out was “Thy will be done..” and how even in the Garden of gesthemany where Jesus was crying, praying, and basically asking God to find another way to save us He essentially said “Thy will be done..”…

“…he fell with his face to the ground. He prayed, ‘My Father, if it is possible, take this cup of suffering away from me. But let what you want be done, not what I want.'” -Matthew 26:39b

This has really been sticking with me lately after Dick Foth made mention of, how different would our lives and the lives of those around us look if more people said more often “… not my will, but yours…”

So, what if?.. What if I said that more times a day than I can count? How different would my life look if every prayer, everything ended with “but, not my own will, but yours be done here.”? Would my life dramatically change?
I dunno, maybe.

Maybe I would stop stressing so much,
Maybe I would be less afraid of getting hurt again,
Maybe I would stop trying to keep everything together perfectly,
Maybe I would stop paying attention to the wrongs against me,
Maybe I would stop trying to control everything,
Maybe I would be more patient,
Maybe I would be more compassionate,
Maybe I would see someone else’s hurt before my own,
Maybe I would be less selfish,
Maybe I would begin to be more fulfilled in every situation,
Maybe I would have more peace and contentment in my life,
Maybe I would hurt more because I was seeking God’s will more,
Maybe my life would get harder,
Maybe I would cry more,
Maybe my heart would be broken more for what breaks God’s,
Maybe I would get hurt more,
Maybe I would get my heart broken again,
Maybe I would love unabashedly,

Maybe more people would come to know Christ,
Maybe God would change the world with my life.

Lately I have been thinking a lot about this concept, and just working through the idea that I want to walk through any door and any path the Lord has put before me regardless of what is going on or the result.

This was aided by today’s sermon by Mark Batterson about how sometimes God’s plan does not make sense for 55-1500 years… He listed several stories in the Bible that the individuals would likely have said “thanks but no thanks” and would have chosen to write it differently, but that later, and sometimes 1500 years (and however many generations that is) later it all makes perfect beautiful sense as to why something happened the way it did. He also pointed out that when God does miracles, they never are convenient, and often really get in the way of life and our plans. Such an interesting thought.

Am I open to be inconvenienced for God?.. Gosh I hope so.

I guess I just feel like I am at this place right now where I know that some crazy things are coming around the corner, some probably scary, others exciting, likely some stressful things, and everything in between, but what I know above and beyond that is I desire God’s will over my own. With Him directing and taking the lead I have no reason to fear…

Not my own, but yours my King.