This week has been exhausting. Tiring for a whole lot of reasons, some significant and others easily correctable (such as taking a nap)… However, I have been very frustrated on the inside for what feels like stupid things, which has done nothing but add to my exhaustion.
Every few years, I find myself faced with feelings of trust gone awry, hurts and lies that have really done nothing but cause frustration. And, for whatever reason, my only innate solution seems to always resort back to controlling what I allow others to see, hear, and experience when it comes to what is going on in my head and heart. I seem to repeat this cycle every few years or so, and somehow always find myself struggling with the something along the lines of:
Do I trust those around me enough to let them truly see me?
Do I allow those around me to carry my burden with me?
Do I give those around me the chance to show they are trustworthy?
Do I put myself in a place of vulnerability?
Do I matter enough to them to bother them with my issues?
Do I believe that I am worth it?
Then, every time, I seem to commence in a head vs. heart battle. My head knows the logical answers to all of these things, my heart “knows” but seems to stutter when it comes to truly believing, and then I am left paralyzed with indecision and fear.
What I find interesting this time is, I see it. I see what I am doing, I see how I am reacting, I feel the fear intensely, I get what is going on. Yet, through it all, I am still mulling over the questions and doubts. I find my heart refusing to budge, and instead asking questions such as,
What if I am actually too difficult, too frustrating, and too selfish for you to persevere?
What if it takes you too long to get through my walls and all of the mazes, so you give up?
What if I am actually not worth the trouble?
What if my weakness is too much for you to handle with all of your struggles?
What if I cannot actually trust you?
What if you take all of my insecurities and fears and use them against me?
What if all the lies I have taken like battle wounds to my heart are actually true and totally accurate?
What if…… (fill in the blank)
How is it I am 27 and these fears and insecurities (and ultimately lies) come back over and over?
The reality is I have had one, if not several people do or say something (or many things) that has caused one or several of these struggles to become burdens on my heart. These things are not always there, and certainly not in every situation, but enough. Enough that in moments of weakness I am completely lost as to how to reach out. Enough that when I am hurting I do not know how to ask for prayers.. partially because I do not have words to explain the feelings that I am experiencing down to my core. Enough that, I more often than not settle to handle it myself, pray about it a little, and brush it out of my mind so I can move on. Enough that I protect my heart and dance around topics in order to avoid explaining how much I do not have it together, do not know, and am hurting…
What is interesting, is this time around, I have no clue what sparked it.. Sure, I could point to the boy who lied, the frustrations at work, the general exhaustion, the lack of motivation or direction in my life.. I could point to a slew of things that potentially sparked this round of struggles… But, the reality is, I am not sure what actually caused it to come back. (Satan I am sure had a huge role to play.. thank you prince of darkness, who will one day occupy the lake of fire.)
I have had a couple different friends point out this week in various ways that I make it extremely difficult for them to help me, support me or pray for me… I have no idea how to change that, and there is a part of me that does not believe they will stick around long enough to find out.. But, what I do know is I struggle to reach out because the things I am specifically praying for tend to be close to my heart and deeply personal… And, in those moments, with those types of things, I am unsure I want to parade those things and myself to the center of attention. Deep down, I know there are a few friends that are here to stay, and others that God is giving me for a time because they are unique and perfect for this situation.
So, I have no idea where to go from here.