I am always amazed at God’s timing. I do not know why His plans continue to surprise me (probably because He’s God..) but still.. they do. What is interesting to me is how He chooses to work in answering my prayers. I have tons of prayers that I pray consistently, asking for growth, to have more of the fruits of the spirit (yeah, yeah, that may have been my first mistake), asking for Him to use me to change the world… And then, somehow in the midst of all my prayers and petitions, I forget that I am not in control, and neither are my prayers. Somewhere along the lines I forget that I do everything for Him, and in the moments that matter, I will likely freak out for a bit, then I will be drawn back to suck it up, pull it together, and follow Him, wherever He leads me.
I find myself at another one of those crossroads where things are going to change, there is a defining moment or two coming my way, and initially I freaked out.. spazzed a little, and in my anxiousness begged God not to ask me to do anything I did not want to do..
Wait. What?!.. Who am I right now?.. This is not me! I go, I follow, I am not afraid of change, so what is this?
This is fear, fear of the leaving behind things and people I love.. again, fear of a couple years of suck repeating themselves… Just fear.
Not so much fear of the unknown or change in general because I tend to love change, but honestly, it is the relationships that I love that inevitably change that has me worried about change.
Thankfully after a lot of prayer, a lot of thinking, and a very real moment of feeling like God was telling me “Peace, I’m here” has caused me to feel like I am ok again. I do not know the future (dang it), but I do know that regardless, I will be ok because my Lord has told me He’s here.
This afternoon I had to take down my hammock cause they are cutting down a few trees in our yard (serious sadness), and beforehand I just laid on it, listened to the birds and the bugs, watched the wind in the trees, and prayed. Prayed for all the various people involved in this change. Prayed for my friends. Prayed for weights on my heart. And, just spent some time being still.
Then, later this evening I sent out an e-mail to some of my closest friends asking for prayer after explaining what is going on, and I get this back:
“(my friend’s) pastor told a story about Mother Teresa. A man was visiting her and asked her to pray for him to have clarity. She said no. He asked why and she said, ‘I will not pray for clarity I will pray for trust.’ This really hit me, because so many times I too have prayed for clarity when what I really needed was trust. So, I will pray for you to trust more and more the God who is able to do exceedingly more than we could ever ask or imagine knowing that He loves you and will work all things together for your good and His glory.”
I am so beyond thankful and blessed by my Lord, by my friends, by my family… Just feeling immensely blessed tonight. Not because the world is perfect, and not because the answers are before me, but because I am loved unrelentingly by my Savior regardless of my situation or emotions.
Life will always be changing. Nothing will ever stay the same, and really I love that. What I struggle with is, change also brings an end to some really great things. But, things have to be let go for new things, so I am choosing to let go, lay in my hammock, and let God direct it all.