Saturday I had my DC Farewell party.
Let me just start by saying my best friend in DC is amazing, she knows exactly how to do things to make sure I know I am cared for. She has this way of just being the solid and steady support I need all the time. Words just cannot truly express how much she means to me, how much I rely on her support, wisdom, encouragement, perspective, care, and just overall friendship. More often than not, we look at things and find the same sense of humor in the situation, and I love that I can look at her while we are in a group of people and usually know what she is thinking or feeling… What makes our friendship even better is that we have known each other for a long time, but have gotten an amazing opportunity to truly get to know each other’s hearts… and, it has changed me in all the best of ways. She has never been afraid to call me out in private, to laugh with me over randomness, to grieve with me, pray for me, and support me in everything going on in my life. I love how much I can jabber on about anything and everything or sit in total silence while we “watch” a movie, I do homework, and she reads a book… Or while we lay on a beach and just soak up the sun and sounds of the waves. She truly makes my life better, and I have a feeling she has almost no idea how much I look to her and seek her out when I need perspective or support…. And, to be totally honest, we are still operating as though nothing is happening.. and will likely continue to operate this way until we HAVE to say goodbye… ugh.
ANYWAY… On to my farewell party that she threw me. Such a great time to see so many people that have been an active part of my life here in DC (and from a few other places that made the trip to see me!). We ate tons of food, laughed, joked, ate some more, and just in general spent time hanging out. I was honestly overwhelmed by how many people made it out or the people who made a point to contact me if they were unable to come. Talk about feeling so blessed. It was a lot of fun to see some people that I have not seen in a while, and some people that I do not get to see very often, and just chat, laugh, bring up the same three topics over and over… somehow always working into the conversation perfectly, which provided more laughter.
All I can honestly say to everyone who has been a part of my life in the last four years is thank you. You have no idea how much you all have changed me, shaped me, loved me, made me a better person, encouraged me, and made me laugh. I am so blessed, and so thankful, and am going to miss you guys more than my smile lets on.
It really did not hit me until today.. I am moving, and these amazing people I will be leaving in two weeks. Oye. I was really glad that no one made me cry last night.. however, I did have to hug on, then walk away from someone who began to cry because neither of us wanted to “do this” at that moment with other people around. Then, today at church I seriously had to fight tears four or five different times throughout the production set up, the sermon, and the production clean up… Why do I keep coming back to “I am not ready for this to be over”? Seriously, not a fan.
I recognize that some people find my aversion to crying odd, and others do not get it.. But, honestly it has more to do with my desire to function and accomplish all of the things I need to before I allow my emotions to take over. I do not want to give into the emotions that are flitting around on the outskirts of my thoughts and feelings incessantly so that I do not parking myself there and wallow when I have things I need to do, and precious time I need to spend with people. There is a time for grieving and mourning, but that time cannot be here and cannot be now, because I need to treasure these moments, these jokes, these bits of time with each person while I can… Then, I will fall apart and allow the emotions to envelope me later. After the time here is over, and the last two weeks and whirlwind that is my life is finished, then I will allow myself to grieve and truly feel the emotions. For now, I am trying to treasure everything.
This is one of those periods in my life when I am way more emotional than I am letting on, and that I am deeply feeling things that I refuse to allow to be seen so it does not affect those around me… The hiding the emotions will continue to get harder and harder, which I suspected it would.
The one good thing about all of this, I am praying SO MUCH. Praying about leaving my friends and church here. Praying about where I am going. Praying about the people I will become friends with, and the people I will work with, and the people I will love on (there will likely be a lot of overlapping of those prayers and people). Then, I have been praying for God to help me and guide me, because my heart is torn, but likely torn in the absolute best way a heart can be torn… I have a job to do, and I have no doubts God and I have a lot of things to accomplish. I have so many thoughts, prayers, and plans for where God is leading me now, but I am still working through leaving DC when things had gotten almost perfect. haha, I should have known that was when He and I were going to move on to something and somewhere else.
Should be a great couple of weeks, with hopefully only a few minor breakdowns.