A little over four years ago, just before I moved to VA, I started this blog with one basic purpose, to give a place where my family back home would get to read about what was going on in my head and connect with my heart. I wanted a place for them to be able to “hear” things differently.
A lot has happened in four years… and I am certainly not even close to the same person I was then, but almost 700 posts later, a significantly larger readership, and an amazing chronicling of the story, I believe there is still value in using this blog to share my heart with whoever stumbles upon my post or visits regularly.
I still firmly believe it does my heart good, and the heart of those reading to hear total and completely honest things that are simmering or exploding out of me.
I still think it is important for people to be able to read the progression as I process through things.
Above all, it is imperative for people to see how God works in my life.
So, what is my heart check lately?
Ugh, so many things…
Part of me is in pure function mode. I do not know what to do with all the emotions, so I have resorted to function mode to get me through the chaotic things that always seem to usher in crazy emotions.
I am more than a little frustrated at the fact that I am not sleeping well, and still waking up a dozen times a night for random sounds I am not used to…
Sometimes I am so beyond excited and overjoyed that I am doing what I love. How did I get so lucky?.. God has given me my sweet spot job, and I am blown away… And then that makes me realize that I love my job.. what if I mess up? what if I cannot do it? what if… (fill in the blank).. And then I remember that God has sent me because I said years ago “here I am send me.”
I am so thankful for stupid little things.. Like Friday I saw a blue and gold license plate cover for U of M, the license plate said “Vktors”, and it was a VA plate.. I couldn’t help but smile at God’s blending of the two… This week someone came into my office and talked to me about DC for almost an hour, I loved every minute of it. I have gotten hugs from people I have only known a couple weeks, and hugs always mean a lot to me..
I am frustrated and completely sick of having to be careful about my hip (which thankfully is mostly just sore now and less a constant severe pain).. I am really tired of needing to ask for help, not even for any other reason than practically speaking it takes more time to ask someone to help.. and asking for help for things I should be able to do on my own, but currently cannot is tiring when I am not close with the person… because it leaves me feeling helpless, needy, and as though I owe them (all of which I am fully aware are not reality, but regardless, it is how I feel).
I GET PAID TO LOVE PEOPLE.. Seriously, I keep mulling that over in my head and it feels like I am cheating the system.. I am literally getting paid to love people, teach them about Christ and then how to love others in His name.. It is flippin amazing!
I miss my church and friends in DC so very much. Basically all the time, but thankfully e-mails keep me laughing, Skype gives me much needed quality time, and facebook/twitter/texting keep me connected for all the mundane things…
I am hopeful of what is to come, and soaking up and trying to learn as much as I can…
I do not for a moment regret nor second guess my choice to move back to MI, but I have finally allowed myself to acknowledge it was one of the most difficult decisions I have made (which is interesting because I am pretty sure that means more difficult decisions are down the road).. But, really I do not regret it; I somewhat revel in the challenge of it all and bask in the knowledge that God is moving, He is leading, He is gearing up, and we are about to soar.
My heart feels a constant mix of so many things, so when asked how I am doing I have a litany of things flood my mind.. I am genuinely good, excited, stressed, overwhelmed, homesick, etc..etc..