There are so many times that I have things to say, and question whether it is ok for me to blog about it because I struggle daily with boundaries… Not just my own and finding balance in my life, but also with people passing judgement before understanding. While it is true for everyone, literally everything I do has people watching and evaluating whether it was good or bad… and then making judgement calls on whether that means I am good or bad, have good intentions, or even really care at all. It’s exhausting and tonight I am over it with absolutely no patience for someone else’s decision on whether I have a good heart or not.
Realistically no matter how many people think what I have done or said was good, there are always people who view it as bad. Literally no matter what it is I have said or done.
Tonight I am pretty much fed up and annoyed at the world.
I am tired of being explained by people as being a “High D” (referring to the DISC test).. When in actuality, I am a higher “I” than “D”, but I just so happen to be incredibly high for both “D” and “I”… You cannot actually explain away my behavior by stating “Krista is a high D” because as with most personality tests that I take, I am never just one thing, I always end up being extremes of multiple things…
If you do not know what the letters stand for:
- Dominance – relating to control, power and assertiveness
- Inducement – relating to social situations and communication
- Submission – relating to patience, persistence, and thoughtfulness
- Compliance – relating to structure and organization
It is a much better description to realize that I am both high dominance and inducement… I’m blended.
Some realities of my life:
I work 60-80 hours a week, every week, and have been for 7 straight months (assuming I don’t work more than 80 hours a week). I do not hang out or go out unless it is by myself.. I could literally count on one hand how many times I have gone out or hung out with other people.
I live alone. — If you pay any attention to me at all, this fact is pretty self-explanatory.
I am in school on top of everything else. And, to top it all off, my computer is acting stupid, still.. But, I don’t have the time to send it into the shop for a week. Grr.
To say that I am tired would be the most laughable exaggeration.
In February I told a group of people that they need to ensure they are pressing their refresh/reboot button regularly… I have totally failed at taking my own advice. Complete fail.
I cannot vent. For me, not venting means not gaining perspective and not processing. I feel as though because I am single, there is an understanding that things cannot be shared since I do not have a spouse to bounce thoughts off of or vent to and gain perspective. The reality is, I am a verbal processor, venting and getting someone to tell me how what I say sounds is the absolute best way for me to process through things.
Judgement is passed on me constantly. I am rarely asked to clarify or explain further, and worse yet, I hardly ever know if someone has misinterpreted what I have said.
I can count in one hand the number of people who I believe could adequately describe “who I am” here. After this length of time, that fact alone makes me want to scream… or cry maybe. Either way it is frustrating.
The concept of healthy confrontation seems to be lost on so many people. I cannot change what I do not know, and I cannot clarify what I did not know needs clarifying. Dealing with confrontational situations are always painful to go through for sure, but I believe you cannot completely trust someone who will not confront you.
I rarely share my heart with people here. Mostly because I am judged constantly, if I say something wrong, then instantly my ministry is “hurt.” But also, I do not often get the opportunity to share my heart; that alone frustrates me more than most things.
People say some the most rude and insensitive things to me all the time.
I appreciate the people who joke with me purely because I get the chance to just be ridiculous.
I am constantly questioned (and judged) about everything I say and do.. literally. Then I am questioned about how I handle it…
Not to sound like I am making excuses, but I would like to draw the attention to the fact that I work, a lot.. and I am in school.. and I have no outlet.. and, believe it or not, I am only 28. I do not make apologies for not being older and more mature, but I am not arrogant enough to not think or recognize that I make a lot of mistakes every day..
Tonight I am tired of it all, and tired of feeling hurt that people don’t even pretend to try to understand me or my perspective. Just totally over it tonight. Tomorrow will be better, but it’s gonna take a lot of prayer time to get me there.