Month: March 2013

Not Feeling It…

There are so many times that I have things to say, and question whether it is ok for me to blog about it because I struggle daily with boundaries… Not just my own and finding balance in my life, but also with people passing judgement before understanding. While it is true for everyone, literally everything I do has people watching and evaluating whether it was good or bad… and then making judgement calls on whether that means I am good or bad, have good intentions, or even really care at all. It’s exhausting and tonight I am over it with absolutely no patience for someone else’s decision on whether I have a good heart or not.

Realistically no matter how many people think what I have done or said was good, there are always people who view it as bad. Literally no matter what it is I have said or done.

Tonight I am pretty much fed up and annoyed at the world.

I am tired of being explained by people as being a “High D” (referring to the DISC test).. When in actuality, I am a higher “I” than “D”, but I just so happen to be incredibly high for both “D” and “I”… You cannot actually explain away my behavior by stating “Krista is a high D” because as with most personality tests that I take, I am never just one thing, I always end up being extremes of multiple things…

If you do not know what the letters stand for:

  • Dominance – relating to control, power and assertiveness
  • Inducement – relating to social situations and communication
  • Submission – relating to patience, persistence, and thoughtfulness
  • Compliance – relating to structure and organization

It is a much better description to realize that I am both high dominance and inducement… I’m blended.

Some realities of my life:

I work 60-80 hours a week, every week, and have been for 7 straight months (assuming I don’t work more than 80 hours a week). I do not hang out or go out unless it is by myself.. I could literally count on one hand how many times I have gone out or hung out with other people.

I live alone. — If you pay any attention to me at all, this fact is pretty self-explanatory.

I am in school on top of everything else. And, to top it all off, my computer is acting stupid, still.. But, I don’t have the time to send it into the shop for a week. Grr.

To say that I am tired would be the most laughable exaggeration.

In February I told a group of people that they need to ensure they are pressing their refresh/reboot button regularly… I have totally failed at taking my own advice. Complete fail.

I cannot vent. For me, not venting means not gaining perspective and not processing. I feel as though because I am single, there is an understanding that things cannot be shared since I do not have a spouse to bounce thoughts off of or vent to and gain perspective. The reality is, I am a verbal processor, venting and getting someone to tell me how what I say sounds is the absolute best way for me to process through things.

Judgement is passed on me constantly. I am rarely asked to clarify or explain further, and worse yet, I hardly ever know if someone has misinterpreted what I have said.

I can count in one hand the number of people who I believe could adequately describe “who I am” here. After this length of time, that fact alone makes me want to scream… or cry maybe. Either way it is frustrating.

The concept of healthy confrontation seems to be lost on so many people. I cannot change what I do not know, and I cannot clarify what I did not know needs clarifying. Dealing with confrontational situations are always painful to go through for sure, but I believe you cannot completely trust someone who will not confront you.

I rarely share my heart with people here. Mostly because I am judged constantly, if I say something wrong, then instantly my ministry is “hurt.” But also, I do not often get the opportunity to share my heart; that alone frustrates me more than most things.

People say some the most rude and insensitive things to me all the time.

I appreciate the people who joke with me purely because I get the chance to just be ridiculous.

I am constantly questioned (and judged) about everything I say and do.. literally. Then I am questioned about how I handle it…

Not to sound like I am making excuses, but I would like to draw the attention to the fact that I work, a lot.. and I am in school.. and I have no outlet.. and, believe it or not, I am only 28. I do not make apologies for not being older and more mature, but I am not arrogant enough to not think or recognize that I make a lot of mistakes every day..

Tonight I am tired of it all, and tired of feeling hurt that people don’t even pretend to try to understand me or my perspective. Just totally over it tonight. Tomorrow will be better, but it’s gonna take a lot of prayer time to get me there.

The Worst of Singleness…

For the most part, and for the majority of the time, I really enjoy being single.. Not because I am a “single independent woman,” and certainly not because I always want to be single, just that I am not itching to get married. I have this very welcome, very contented feeling of being fine exactly where I am in life. While I realize I am 28 and have no prospects, I am happy with where I have been, what I have done, and look forward to doing more things and going more places as a single.

With that said.. There are some really crappy things that come with being single, and I have encountered a lot of them the last few weeks…

After traveling out of the country for a couple of weeks, returning with the worlds worst head cold, and having a couple of weeks worth of work and school work to catch up on… Being single is difficult simply because you have to touch base with all of your bills, go food shopping, clean, do laundry, put away clothes, (in my case) pick up the puppy.. AND catch up on school work and regular work. And, forget giving space and time for jet lag to be present, it simply has to be pushed through.

Or, as another example, in the last two weeks I have dealt with a ridiculous amount of diarrhea from my puppy, crazy hours of work (no really, I didn’t leave until 11pm last night, and then worked at home until 1am), homework… homework.. and more homework.. then, there are the dishes and laundry that has to get done…. Followed by the sick puppy’s bowel problems transformed in the middle of the night to explosive, (which after working until 1am), and being up at 5am cleaning out a puppy crate and doing laundry to remove the absolutely horrendous smell… leaves (me) totally patience-less (let’s be honest, I was struggling before today with my patience AND filter) and an overwhelming desire to just stick the puppy on the deck and sleep for a day. But, instead, I got up, worked, cleaned him up, worked, cleaned up again, worked, took him to the vet, and worked some more…

So, with that said, the absolute worst part about being single, is having to do everything yourself. There is no one to split work with or take care of things when you are gone.

Everything is you.

Now, do not misunderstand me, I am not even pretending that a single parent’s job is easier or even comparable to mine, but I would submit that the worst thing about their situation is the same, they must do everything themselves… And, while I have not personally experienced being married, I am sure there are a lot of difficult things about it… But, given the last couple weeks that I have had, and the level of stress it has all brought on, I can confidently say it would have been easier to have someone to do the dishes or take out the trash or go grocery shopping.

The worst part of singleness is having to do literally everything yourself no matter what is going on or how sick or tired you are.

I Hate Fear…

Hands down I would say one of the key crappy things about my situation is the severe lack of a the ability to verbally process like I typically need to.

The actual main crappy thing is the constant and intense pressure from the evil one.

As much as I would love to spout off about the situations going on in great detail, that is one of my key rules, not writing when I am angry or naming specific people involved in situations… Keeps me in check, and from saying things I do not actually mean… Or might actually mean. But, in either case, it prevents me from hurting others, and helps keep me from burning bridges.

But, today, and even last week I am extremely angry at the way fear controls people. No matter what name you want to put on it or what method is used to rationalize it, at the core it is still fear.

I know that everyone is subject to fear, that sometimes it seems like the only option is to do whatever will make the fear go away. I know that there have been times in my life where the fear has just been so overwhelming that I have no answers and have no control.. and that just makes it worse.

In some cases fear is healthy and protects you from doing something stupid.. Or at least acts as a flare gun to highlight something that needs attention.

But, sometimes fear is just because we are not in control, cannot see what is coming, and dislike both situations.

What I also know is that fear isn’t supposed to control us. I know that sometimes fear is actually the worst thing we could use as a guide. And, I know that when fear is not addressed, confronted, and a solution is not sought after, other people begin to be affected by our own fear.

Tonight, I hate fear because it’s causing nothing but stress, frustration, relational tension, aggravation, and making me want to high-five a few people in the face…

See? Not helpful.

“There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.” – 1 John 4:18

“If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.

2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing.

3 If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast,but do not have love, I gain nothing.

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.

5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” – 1 Corinthians 13:1-7

Puppy Parenting…

So, I try not to associate being the sole owner of my puppy on the same level of responsibility and work as having a baby or child.. I believe having children is WAY more difficult, and I have nothing but kudos to offer parents! Yet, even still, there are definitely things that having a 90lb puppy has taught me about being a parent.. or being a mom..

For starters.. Peeling your eyes open in the morning to instantly take care of a potty is never fun.. Especially before coffee, shower or going to the bathroom yourself… Worse yet, peeling your eyes open to instantly go outside into freezing weather so your puppy can decide to play instead of use the bathroom makes me see red… Yet, it’s hard to be mad when the face looks at you like this: Sweet Eyes

Morning Face

Wherever you go.. THEY ARE RIGHT THERE.. usually close enough to trip over, slobber on you or snot on your pants, bump into your butt or sneeze on you. I am confident that never again will I get away with wearing the same pair of pants twice before washing them..

ToysThe floor is always a mess with toys.. and stepping on dog bones is I’m sure equal to stepping on a jumbo-lego.

Potty training sucks… And, cleaning up poop is never a highlight of my day.

Having a silver-merle puppy means no black clothes are safe from visible hair.. and neither are white clothes.. or really any color. Hair is always visible. And, I swear he has a radar for when I put on nice clothes just before I have to leave, and then makes it his mission to slobber on me before I can get him in his crate… Nooooo!!!.. The worst was when he attacked my long flowing dress. “NO! That is NOT a toy!”

Getting drooled on is part of the game… Every day.

Bath-time is a pain… and sometimes way more work than it’s worth.

Teaching him not to bite or pretend to bite is a lot of consistency… as is all discipline. If I’m not

Crate Houseconsistent, he becomes Mr. Spaz Man, and it’s not pretty or fun.

Nap-time keeps me from killing him… As does his crate some days.

January 2013 Life...

Stressful days are always made better by those precious eyes that just look at me lovingly all the time and wants to cuddle and lay on my lap…

I answer the same questions over and over and over and over…. and over.. He’s a he, a Silver Merle Great Dane, he’s 6 months, he’s 90 lbs, no he doesn’t really eat a stupid amount of food, yes he poops and pees more than your 10lbs dog, yes I live in an apartment…. His name’s Vormund, not norman, vermin, hammond or formin… No he isn’t allowed on the bed or couch.

Touching Always

I love sitting and having him just touch me however he can.. It melts my heart.

I get lots of people telling me how much I shouldn’t be using my “pinch collar”… Ok, you walk a 90lb puppy in high heels that gets distracted every 3 steps, and then talk to me about if it’s hurting him or the best idea…

No, I can confidently say that a chest harness on a 90lb puppy is never a good idea unless a sled is behind him… Which, let’s be honest, he would be afraid of anyway…

Brave PuppyHe has a nervous bladder.. and is actually afraid of most everything.. We do brave things every day trying to instill courage into the massive boy.. I am confident he will be normal when he’s an adult haha

Sometimes I get nervous taking him out with a lot of people simply because he’s so big and has no idea how much weight he puts behind his punch…

I was talking with a couple other Dane owners and realized people say the same things constantly, and sometimes as though you cannot hear them.. “He’s huge!” “That’s a horse” “Can I pet your horse?” “I could never own a dog that big” “Can you imagine feeding that thing?” “Do you have a saddle for that thing?” “You could ride him!” I find the comments amusing, especially when they act like I don’t hear them…

Crazy Man

“Vormund, give it to me.. no.. don’t.. give it.. GIVE IT TO ME!..” or better yet, “What’s in your mouth?.. Spit it out!.. Let me see, what do you have?!” are games we play almost daily..

When he’s tired, overstimulated, and needs a nap he runs around like a crazy man getting into everything. Obnoxiousness is the cue for nap-time!

Coming home to his excited face makes coming home awesome.. Even if I instantly have to take him out to pee.

Stalking

He has to get fed and get water before I can make food or he’ll stalk me while I am cooking..

While I simply cannot claim that having a huge puppy is the same as having a child, there are some days that it feels like it, and gives me nothing but more respect (and grace) for parents!

Did I mention potty training is exhausting and not my favorite?…

It will only get better/worse from here as he grows!

Truly Knowing…

Everyone has things that they are completely blind to. Which, if we are being honest, is sometimes why our best friends can aggravate us, because the best of friends call those blind spots out… But then, there are other instances when it is the culture, the raising, the circumstances that we are accustomed to that make us blind.

Today I was talking on the phone with a friend, and we were discussing a couple different situations going on in each of our lives, and the best possible way to approach them and handle them. Mostly it consisted of nailing down the correct verbiage to ensure that no offense is taken in the midst of difficult and sensitive situations. One of the things we began talking about was how sometimes we can cognitively “know” something, but really not have any idea all at the same time. In some cases that is a benefit, and a good thing… In others it can be a very dangerous thing.

For example, I cognitively understand the ramifications of having absent, angry, unloving, abusive etc.etc.. parents, but I no matter what will never really have any idea the ramifications that could have on someone’s life because my parents were as far from that as they could be… That is a good for me thing, but it becomes challenging if I am faced with someone who came from that type of situation.. Because my answer can never be “I know…” or “I understand..” cause I don’t, and I can’t.

Then there are situations were there is actually a false sense of knowing.. For example, believing you are free, and yet having all sources of your education, knowledge, news, and whereabouts controlled and tracked. When you are that type of “free” and do not realize what true freedom is, it becomes an entirely different sense of what true knowing is because crossing from thinking you are free, to realizing you actually are not can be an earth shattering revelation.

Then there is the type of knowing where you have no way to logically or cognitively explain something, and yet in your very core the Truth is there. When you know something to your core, not having all of the answers does not change the fact that you know Truth… Not being able to explain in excruciating detail, while frustrating at times does not change the nature of how or why something works, it just means you yourself cannot adequately describe it.

I will never completely know or understand a lot of things.. Like why some people are treated so poorly, and the way that impacts their worldview for the rest of their life… Or the perspective that an entire people group can have simply because they have never had before… And, I will never completely know the mental games or thought process that takes place in a person who does not know Christ and did not grow up with Him to help them through painful and crippling situations… But, what I can know is how much my heart longs to love and care for those people… I pray that no amount of pain or people in my life will ever kill that desire in me. I know that there are people who have, and will take advantage of me in order to benefit themselves, but I also pray that I keep choosing to seek them out and love and care for them no matter how much I have been hurt or used. I never want crossing from cognitive knowing to truly understanding to leave me so jaded that I stop doing whatever I can to help those around me know to their core how deep, and wide, and tall, and far, and near, and great is the love of Christ for them.

Texture Stairs…

So, on my recent trip I realized something about myself.

I love texture, and contrast.. and how the light plays with stairs and texture.

So, here is a small sampling of the perspective I had.

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The emperor would walk along this for a foot massage.

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Ok, so, this isn’t exactly steps, but they look like it..

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These are the steps up to the top of the Great Wall where we were.

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These are mini steps that are clearly uneven.

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These steps were on the Great Wall and lead up to one of the look out towers.

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More mini steps on the Great Wall

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The Great Wall’s… Wall..

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The Ceiling of one of the lookout towers on the Great Wall

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A path along the base of a small portion of the Great Wall

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Steps at the Temple of Heaven.

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These were mini steps at the Summer Palace

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While the entire staircase is super long, the steps were still mini in height….

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These were neat cause they were uneven, minis, and had the foot massage edging.

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This was used to wrap a bunch of the trees at the Summer Palace..

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There is just something about contrasting texture that intrigues me.. and yes, I touched this..

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Ok, not stairs, but still an interesting depth perception..

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Steps up into the Summer Palace.

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These were regularly sized steps at the Summer Palace

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More combo steps at the Summer Palace..

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This was a brick wall at the Olympic Park.

Cement Wall

This is my favorite. The texture and composition just fascinates me, especially with the lighting.

 

The State of Life…

While I have a lot to say still on my trip abroad, I am not even close to finishing processing through everything, plus I have been crazy busy, so this is a pause from those posts to just reflect on where I am currently.

February is coming to a close, and while I realize it is the shortest month of the year, it truly felt like it flew this year. Likely due to the fact that 14 of the 28 days I was in a different world (no really, that’s what it felt like).

Do you ever stop and realize that your life is actually just difficult right now?

I feel like that is the realization that has hit me the last two months, but really gained words tonight. Where I am right now in my life is difficult. Not in a complaining way, not in a please have pity for me way, and not even in an attempt to change it… Just a factual, life is difficult. Not terrible or horrible, I would not change where I have been or what I have been doing at all, but I hit a wall the last two months, and I am spent. Not in the need for sleep or a vacation, but deep down where my drive is; it is tired. Ironically, the feeling did not click into words until talking to someone else who expressed that spent on all levels is where they were not long ago.

Interestingly, I am not even sure how to fix it in the deep down parts where I feel it the most. I have no clue what I can do to correct the seemingly easy action of adjust my schedule and making more time for other things.. I realize that some of the feelings I have, and have had over the last few months are simply due to the way I am made, my extrovertedness, my personality, my strengths, and certainly my weaknesses. My present situation is incredibly challenging for me, not in a good or bad way, just simply the truth of my situation. I am unsure where I need to pause, almost as if there are layers to my feelings, and each layer requires something different. How peculiar of a feeling to recognize the issue and all the levels it touches, but be more than slightly perplexed on how to fix it.

If I am being completely forthcoming, I am relieved to just have finally pinpointed my feelings. I have spent the last couple months unable to identify what and where I was struggling.

So, let me spell it out, merely stating the reality of my situation.
Working for a church, doing good things, and working in and for God, makes personal devotions, worship time, and listening to God without an agenda incredibly difficult. I have yet to figure out how to balance these desires with my pure exhaustion and genuine need to get things done at the end of the day. I mean, I came back from a two-week trip abroad, and I had to do laundry, get groceries, pay my bills, and catch up on sleep, homework, and normal life things… Which, reality is that it is more challenging as a single person because no one could do it for me… How do I balance these legitimate things and not let it mess with my needing to take my own time out to spend time with God?

While I am one of the most extroverted people you will ever meet, I do not feel energized or fulfilled when around the majority (by no means can I say everyone) of the people at work because simply, they are work, and work is not energizing like a purely social setting is for me. Work means I have problems to solve, issues to address, meetings to have, e-mails to send, calendar appointments to make, designing to do, writing to do, posting to do, people to connect, planning to do, catching up to get updated on things etc.. That is not energizing, that is simply my job.

I think now is a perfect time to stop and say, I. Love. My. Job. Truly truly. I would not choose to work anywhere else in the world right now because I love my job, my tasks, the people, and even on the bad days when I want to high-five some people in the face, I know down to my core I am where God has asked me to be, and that is fulfilling in a way that is different from anything else I have known.

However, that being said, I have not at all figured out work/life balance. Which means that if I am being honest, I do not really have a life outside of “work,” which also means that I am never “off” and always thinking/processing/problem solving/or addressing things that need attention. And, no amount of being called to or loving my job makes up for the incredible amount of disproportionate percentages in my life.

The state of my life right now is that I finally truly recognize that things need to change, but I am a little perplexed as to how to make that happen. Likely it will still take me a while before I figure it out, but at least I realize how much I need to feed the fun/adventurous/intellectual/active/spontaneous/joking/antic ridden sides of me and not constantly be trying to consider whether it is appropriate due to my job…

And, now would be a good time to mention that my bff told me all of this TWO MONTHS ago… I am a little slow sometimes.

Tonight I am incredibly thankful for God sorta intervening and reminding me that He did not create me for the sole purpose of working a job that He brought me to, but that He has created me for living for Him. And, if I am not loving Him and my time with Him, I will quickly run dryer than the desert sand.

I do not know how to fix where I am, and the lack of space I am creating for refreshing, but what I do know is that I need to start paying attention to that side of my life.

Oh Lord my God, help me.