For basically as long as I can remember I have always been the “I can do it” kinda girl. So much so that until drivers training in high school, everything my older brother did, I also did… I read at 4, learned cursive at 6, etc.. His ability to drive before me was my first rude awakening that I could not do anything I set my mind to.
At various points throughout college, I would reach these rude awakening moments.. Often times, they were followed by either a phone call home to quit being an adult, or more often a long roller blading session with my best friend late at night.
But, every time, I came around to realizing that while I can do a lot of things, I actually cannot do everything that I want. Which, goes entirely against my well-known mantra, “I’m Krista Back, I do what I want.” Yet each time, it is as though this is a new revelation for me… possibly because I grow and become stronger, learn more, and fall into a false sense of belief and pattern that I can indeed do it on my own.
It actually has been years though since I have encountered something that I literally could not do or handle.. I have not truly reached my end in a long time… As in, years.
As with most things in life though, there are positives and negatives to my personality and perspective.
On one side, there are situations where confidence and my ability to fly by the seat of my pants is the difference between succeeding and pulling something off or complete failure. However, on the other hand, if I am being totally honest, it also is what often prevents me from realizing my limitations at a healthy point along the way.. Or from leaning on the support of others.
In the last few weeks, I have had one of these rude awakenings again. As much as I hate to admit it, I literally cannot pull off or handle what I am trying to do without support. Both emotional support, prayer support, and simple friend support. I have been scolded by many friends lately (and rightly so), for my lack of reaching out… Dang.
Sharing things going on and allowing others to be there for me is not really my favorite because I secretly feel like I am burdening those I share with… And, I hate feeling like I am a burden, I want to carry my own weight… Even though I realize that this type of perspective is actually an incredibly unhealthy view of the whole situation. Not to mention that fact is, I never feel like I am being burdened when someone else shares with me… So I’m not entirely sure why I feel like I am a burden.
If I am calling a spade a spade, being vulnerable is actually something I am not the biggest fan of.. at all really. It takes a lot of conscious decision-making for me to be vulnerable and stay there. Thankfully, there are so many people in my life who know how to make me feel safe enough that being vulnerable and open comes naturally. I thank God for them often.
I have been thinking about it lately, and I actually have no idea why acting like an island unto my own is my natural way of approaching difficult tasks… I mean, I pray a lot throughout everything, but what is the point in asking for help from God when I am unwilling to use the community and support network he has placed around me? Talk about frustrating from my perspective and His I am sure! Plus, let’s be honest here, I could use all the prayer support I can get, so not sharing is preventing me from getting specific prayer coverage from those who love and care about me and what God is doing through or in me.
Ironically, at church we are talking about Community, and how important it is to our spiritual health and the things that can be accomplished with a fully functioning community… Awesome, but not easy for me.
So, my lovely little rude awakening this week is how much I need to stop trying to do or handle things by the amount of work I put in or sheer force.. Not an easy road for me for some odd reason.