In so many ways God is more real and intimately connected into every aspect of my life than He has ever been before. Partially I think that is due to the fact that because I live alone, I spend most of my time at home thinking and mulling things over in a continuous state of talking to my Savior. But, in other ways, I feel as though I have entirely allowed life to distract me from truly connecting and spending the time I need to be just silent and listen to my Lord. It is a bit weird to say it that way considering the previous sentence, however, that is the only way I can think to explain it. Life has gotten in the way of me spending quality time with my Lord.
Tonight, for the first time in a long time, my heart was just compelled to Christ. It was somewhat surprisingly sparked by changing my computer background to that of the ocean. Water of any kind has a way of compelling my heart to my Lord, unlike anything else in this world. For whatever reason, tonight the picture just drew in my heart instantaneously, and I am now sitting with an incredibly distinct and familiar feeling in my heart that I both love and hate at the same time. You see, the feeling is similar to bleeding, I can feel where exactly in my chest the ache originates from, but it also radiates out and then bleeds into my stomach. I love this feeling because I only experience it when God is doing business with my heart, but I hate it too because it actually feels like my heart is bleeding (not my physical heart at all just to be clear).
This feeling of having a bleeding heart is one I became familiar with and eventually recognized as God working in my heart in December 2008, just before I headed back to the airport to fly back to America from Ghana. The feeling lasted for an entire month, and was incredibly spiritually painful and awesome all at the same time. While I would never ever ask to return to it, nor repeat the pain I felt, I gladly sit here tonight in the familiar pain of God touching my heart.
I have no idea what God is going to do this time, but I have a feeling some of the same feelings are going to come back.
I am a little hoping it will not be as painful as last time, but more than that, I am hoping He moves my heart.. wherever and for whatever reason He chooses.
But, tonight my heart just hurts. I have no words and no reason why, it just bleeds and makes me cry.