Monday was a normal day, stresses, sleep depravity, work, meetings, e-mails.. totally normal… Or at least I thought it was.

If I am being totally honest, I wasn’t even aware that the Boston Marathon was going on that morning. I knew it was soon-ish, but it was not at all on my radar for the day.

And then, randomly in the car I heard a radio DJ mention keeping the listeners posted on the bombings taking place in the Boston Marathon. I did not catch any more of the story, but when I arrived to my destination, and found myself with a few minutes to kill, and I was able to look up the full story on my phone.

As far as I knew/know I did not know anyone running in the marathon this year, although I do know people who have run it in the past, and I also know people who live in Boston…

My first two thoughts while reading the story went in order, and something like this:

No! This is terrible!

How many of these people don’t know Jesus?!

And, I pretty much stayed parked right there, cycling back and forth between those two thoughts.

That tends to be where most terrible or heartbreaking things that happen send my mind and thoughts…

No! This is terrible!

How many of these people don’t know Jesus?!

My heart is heavy thinking about the people who caused this to happen, no matter who they are or what reasons they made up, and the fact that they don’t know Jesus, their hearts are full of hate, lies, and they are completely deceived by the Evil One.

Then, my heart hurts for the people who are the victims of this, and then my heart hurts even more for their families. Such a senseless act causes so much pain and fear.

How do you make sense of this type of thing when you don’t know Jesus? Simply trying to rationalize by saying that there is evil in the world just doesn’t make the pain go away; it doesn’t give purpose, it doesn’t help forgive, it doesn’t help heal, and it certainly doesn’t help you move on.. Pain and fear, that is all there is to hold onto.

This world is hard enough with knowing Jesus, but not having him at all in these types of moments?.. I honestly cannot fathom how that feels, especially in moment or days like today. So. Awful.

Then, to top off the icing of pain and hurting in my heart, I am constantly reminded that my generation hates or has been immensely wounded by the church, and most of my generation is currently not engaged in a relationship with Christ. Ugh, that weighs so heavily on my heart it is ridiculous. So many people, so many of my peers don’t know Christ and are going to hell, and daily I deal with or get distracted by stupid things.

Pain. That is what my heart experiences as I sit and allow myself to walk through these thoughts and feelings.

I know that oftentimes, I can come across as abrasive, forward, passionate, dominate, or as though my drive to accomplish tasks are more important than anything else. But, let me assure you, especially now that my job creates even more space in my life for those that don’t know Christ, my heart breaks regularly over the lost. More days than I’d like to admit, I use the distraction of tasks to help keep my heart from making me cry over the people I know (or in some cases don’t know at all) who don’t understand who Christ is.

You have no idea how deeply it impacts my heart.

You have no idea how much days like Monday solidify my determination to do my job and do it well.

I do not care who or why this awful thing in Boston happened, what I care about is that someone somewhere was deceived enough by the Evil One to carry it out, and that according to the Bible, these types of things are going to get worse. Ugh, my heart bleeds over the thought of more people dying without knowing Jesus is their savior.