Lately I have been doing a lot of praying, reading, watching videos, thinking, and talking with various people about what God is doing in my life… But, specifically related to who I am because of Him, and just how big He is to me.
I truly want to gain a greater understanding of just how big He is, and how capable He is
of solving my problems… And then, I want to take it a step further and comprehend just how much He cares about my problems.
But, that actually isn’t enough for me either.
You see, the “older I get” (makes me sound 65), the more I am settling on the solid belief that my life just isn’t about me. And, while I obviously have selfishness, and I struggle with pride, and a slew of other sins, I want desperately to hear the words “Well done good and faithful servant” when I die and go to heaven.
I heard a quote by Curry Blake this week that sums up my basic feelings: “Christianity was about you until you got saved, then it quit being about you and became about those that aren’t saved.”
This thought process began invading a lot of areas of my thinking and I sort of began mulling over what that looks like in my life currently, and what it would look like in the future.Simply put, Christ loved you unconditionally, now you have to go love others unconditionally.
One of the things I settled on is that if I even get married, I really do not want the day to be “all about me” … because let’s all be honest here, at this point if I get married, it will CLEARLY be all because of what God did, is doing, and plans on doing in my life and the life of my husband. I want the wedding, and obviously the marriage to reflect those things.
The next thing I realized is that while I have these wonderful reminders of prayer cards that are full of people and situations to pray for, I tend to pray much closer to the “ask and
beg” side of prayers many times.. instead of praying scripture and standing on scripture. God made us promises for a reason, He literally cannot break those promises.
I also have had the wonderful opportunity over the last few weeks to spend time on the phone, Skyping, FaceTiming, and Google Hangout-ing with so many friends that are literally all over. I have stayed up late, woken up crazy early, and re-arranged schedules in order to get the chance to re-connect with these friends. Or in once instance, it was a random call that ended up allowing us to restore what was lost due to missteps and sin on both of our parts. And, it has been exactly perfect each time. I sometimes forget how much I miss people until I see their face or hear their voice, and then I am reminded why they have such special places in my heart, or I am reminded of how much they taught me in the time that I was able to connect with them in the first place.
These conversations have reminded me with utter clarity, just how much God uses people to speak life and love into us.
The last month has found a lot of things stretching me… Such as singing… in front of people… with a mic in front of my face. I love singing, I enjoy so very much getting to spend the time with the group of people leading one of our services.. And, it has turned into a really fun time with my sister-in-law as well. But, I am worse than not at all confident in my ability to sing well. The most profound thing that has been said to me from the leader was, he wasn’t looking for me to be the best singer, he was looking for me to be the best worshipper. Which, actually changes things quite a bit, especially when it comes to singing worship music. Whether I am up front singing worship songs to my sweet Savior or whether I am singing worship songs standing in my kitchen… It is not about me, it is about rightfully adoring who He is without expecting anything in return for my worship.
When I read the Bible and soak in the Truths that are permeating throughout the entire thing, the only thing I am left with is that I simply cannot look at the history and the way God has moved people and done things and assume it is because of me. Yet, through some crazy, only God could actually pull it off, He’s asking me to step in and be a part of His plan because He loves me more than I understand. But, in order for that to work, I have to constantly work at handing over my selfishness and pride so that Jesus can then use me however He sees fit to express His love of Truth to others.
It just simply isn’t about me, it is about the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.