Month: February 2014

Love of Traveling…

I love traveling.

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Seriously, short or far, driving, the train, or flying, I love traveling. Even the obnoxiousness of delays, weather, unforeseen obstacles, I love the unknown adventure that comes with traveling.

I think my love for traveling is why I miss Europe so terribly every day. Seriously, I think about my two-week trip to Europe every single day.

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I replay conversations had with one of my best friends…
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I remember amazing food… and some.. not so fabulous food.
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I laugh to myself about funny conversations, signs, experiences, reactions etc…

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I miss exploring, and walking until I have cankles, and getting to just play and experience something entirely new that I had no idea existed, or had on my bucket list to cross off.
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I love seeing things that take my breath away.
High ceiling

I miss having nothing to do but talk about anything that comes to mind whether serious, silly, ridiculous, precious, touching, memories, heartaches.. all of it.
Venice

I even miss the crazy adventures that were inadvertently created trying to lug everything around from city to amazing city.
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Every single day I miss it.

But, mostly, right now I think I miss how my heart felt traipsing around Europe. I felt full, excited, loved, like God and I were connected, and as though my partner in crime understood me perfectly. For the very first time in my adult life, I had the chance to take a real vacation and just relax and let my mind not think about work or school for an extended period of time. I was able to just focus on the things in front of me, not the things I had to do tomorrow or checking things off my to-do list… I was able to use the time to process through hurts and bounce thoughts off of someone repeatedly as I worked through them over the course of the couple of weeks. I had the chance to look through my camera lens and be creative and see beauty.

Taking Pictures

Barcelona sunrise

Life just looks different when you purposefully look for beauty.
I want to do better at purposefully looking every daily.

Classic Paris

And, we laughed. All the time, every day.

I will often find my heart suddenly transported back to the feelings I had when I see pictures of (any of) my trips… Such as, I will once again find my heart full of thankfulness to God for allowing us to see the sunrise on a completely cloud covered morning.

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While I realize, that sometimes it may just be that it is easier to miss something purely because it was fun and great, and I am in full on hatred mode of winter right now… (since the snow pile in the driveway is taller than me…) But, in reality most of my sentiments are not really a new feeling, every single day since getting back, I have thought about my trip to Europe. I will find myself going about normal activities, and things I learned will bubble to the top of my mind to be mulled over again, conversations we had will replay in my head, people we talked to will spring to mind, and all of the time we were able to just be together and be friends; it was exactly perfect.

I think that the beauty I see in traveling, the experiences that follow me for the rest of my life, and all of the things that I find myself learning and going back to for such a long time add to my love of it all.

I could talk endlessly about all of the things I have learned and the ways that traveling has changed me, but it would be better conveyed over a cup of coffee in person.

Although, in reality, sometimes the learning takes place while you travel will show up in the form of just fun trivia… Like seeing a scene in a movie (Now You See Me) and knowing that the place does NOT actually look like it is depicted on the movie.. therefore it is a set.Lock.KiraLock.MeLock.Both

And, like the one time I was thumbing through a “100 things you must see before you die” book and seven of them I saw on my trip ONE trip to Europe, and three others I had seen on other trips… (And, I even think that some of my pictures were better than in the book!)

I have now experienced two types of travels: Travels to help others, and travel for the sake of fun. Either one is great and honestly life changing in different ways, but both serve a wonderful and unique purpose. I love each type of trip.

All of these things, and so many more are what continue to grow my love of traveling, and why it will always hold a special place in my heart unlike anything else.

Learning…

I feel like I spend most of my days trying to figure out what I am supposed to be learning or doing during this season.

Sometimes I reason with myself that the quicker I learn, the faster all of this will be over.

Maybe if I just DO more, learn more, pray more, spend more time in scripture, apply to more jobs, revise my resume for the 600th time, write yet another cover letter or send a “just checking in” e-mail… Maybe if I just be better all around.. maybe that will help this whole season to end quicker.

Even as I write that, it just sounds silly and stupid and I am tempted to erase it and not share that bit of information.

“Be better”?! That’s never solved anyone’s problems, ever.

That’s why God’s grace and mercy are so crucial to His story; because of people like me, in times like this. We always fall back to being or doing better, and it has nothing to do with that except maybe being a byproduct of the learning that takes place.

Really, I am just admitting that despite everything you see on my social media, or the conversations I have had with you recently, life is hard, I don’t “love” this season or stage at all, but I understand at least in part what if happening, and often I have the mentality of just trying to survive and get through it all.

So what is all of the struggling for?

Compassion and Faith.

One of the things that I have never been good at is compassion. Truly, I struggle with it constantly and have always admitted that I am really not the best when it comes to having true compassion for others. Realistically, whatever compassion you think you see and experience from me has been entirely cultivated by Christ in seasons such as the one I am in currently… And, that is no exaggeration or dramatization of the reality of the situation.

The other thing is faith. Growing faith is something that I have come to realize is just about as difficult as growing compassion. It is like growing pains, and in order for it to get deeper and stronger, it takes trials that force you to dig deeper to increase your faith.

For example, I keep finding myself in a cycle of worrying about finances, and then having no other option but to fall back into convincing myself that everything will be ok.

I have been unemployed for six months. This is the longest I have not worked 40+ hours a week in more than a decade.
I have lost a lot of things over the course of the last six months.
I have worked my tail off applying to hundreds of jobs all around the country.
I have done consulting work to help make up for some of the financial difficulty.

And then, sometimes it just seems like when I get to a point of “ok, I’m good, I will be fine for (length of time)” something happens that throws all of that out the window…. Such as a $300 car repair that came out of the blue.

Yet, throughout it all, I have money to cover the essential bills.

I do not have any way of explaining how my finances have covered my bills for more than six months, especially when I did not have enough of a savings to cover more than a month’s worth of expenses.

I try to rationalize, that this shouldn’t be happening to me because I have THREE degrees, eight years experience, a strong and solid resume… Not to mention I am willing to go wherever the job is.

“How can this be my situation?”

The reality is that, I do not know the answer… nor does anyone else. The only explanation I have is that God is truly using this to grow me. It sucks. This is by far one of the most difficult seasons I have experienced in my life.

I am also confident that I am learning compassion and faith throughout all of this.

Everything has worked out, despite my stressing and worry, so I keep reminding myself that God knows my situation, and He will get me through this… Regardless of what I “do” He will prove Himself faithful.

“…we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.” – Romans 5:3b-5

The Joy in Turning 29…

I finally have had some time to think, to process, and to make some more decisions about how I am moving forward. More posts about moving forward will come later I am sure.

But, for now, I wanted to share what turning 29 was like.

I love birthdays. I love celebrating other people’s birthdays, so much so that I actually get disappointed and upset when I can’t.. I spend a lot of times thinking up doable, fun, memorable, and cherished things that I can do for people. So, when it is time for my birthday, I usually have high expectations… Not from other people to do things for me, but just from the day in general.

This year was a special birthday. I was turning 29 on the 29th, so it was my “golden birthday”. And, as silly as it sounds, I have been praying for this birthday for years…. As in lots of years.

For years I have prayed for God to do something really cool to celebrate this birthday.
I’ve prayed things like being able to spend it with someone special.. or have it commemorated by a special event…
However, much more recently, I have prayed to have a job by my birthday, or to know where I am moving, or even better to already have moved by my birthday.
I have prayed for miracles big and small for this day.
I have pretty much prayed a whole slew of things for this particular birthday over the years.

None of the specific things I prayed for happened. However, He did answer my prayer for a great birthday.

What is interesting to me is that, despite all my prayers for years, and the well-known fact that:

1. I. Hate. Winter.
and,
2. Snow/winter has ruined literally two dozen or so of my birthdays (even when I moved SOUTH!)

Winter and snow still snuck in and ruined plans again this year.

I had planned to go snowboarding for the first time on my birthday, despite hating the cold, I decided it would be a great fun new thing to try with my family…. Due to serious negative temperatures, the place closed down due to the dangerous temperatures.

Then, the weekend after my birthday I planned a party (I know, planning your own party can seem odd, but I did it anyway!). I had planned a themed game night, with people bringing money in the form of 29 that we would all put into a jar, and then vote on the charities that should receive the money. I was so excited.

And then, we got the 400,000 blasted snow storm of the winter.

I had to take some time and really just process and pray through all of this because to be totally honest, it just felt rude. Like yet another winter personally attacking my attempt at fun and joy in a season I despise… Especially this season, and this time in my life.

One night I was laying in bed pretending I was going to fall asleep, and I started walking myself through what DID happen throughout the week celebration of my golden birthday.

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I had my hair done in brown and purple.

I got to hang out with a friend from DC for an evening.

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I spent my birthday with my brother and sister-in-law, they made breakfast, then we went ice skating, and to get my free Starbucks coffee (thank you), to the mall to get free lipstick and mascara from Makeup Forever (thank you), and then just toodled around and had fun laughing at all sorts of things.

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My sister-in-law and I started seeing Daryl (from The Walking Dead) items everywhere, so we took lots of pictures of us with “him” and posted

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it on Instagram. Norman Reedus favorited it in less than 30 seconds. haha!

 

I went to my parent’s place and had my favorite dinner and a homemade orange chocolate cake from my other sister-in-law and mom. And, let me tell you, it was amazing!!

I had lunch with my mom a couple of days later.

I received flowers, a chocolate and wine gift basket, chocolate covered strawberries, cards, texts, phone calls, voicemail, e-mails, Facebook posts, twitter mentions,  gift cards, etc.. etc… And just an absolutely absurd and overwhelming amount of sweet, thoughtful, and touching words of love and encouragement from SO many people. IMG_1759

Just, So. Much. Birthday. Love. 

And, although the game night had to be canceled, we were still able to play games with some family who braved the weather and came to hang out anyway.

So, while things definitely did not happen the way I had planned, and a vast majority of the things I had prayed for did not happen… Despite those things, God gave me a great birthday. It had some disappointments due to the weather just adding to my hatred of it… But, the reality is, my friends and family are amazing, and they are some of the most loving people I could ever imagine having around.

As I sit and ponder it all, I am thankful. So incredibly thankful and amazed at the sheer level of love and care I was shown by friends and family both near and far.

And, despite everything going on in my life, and the general feeling of frustration I have, I find myself thankful for so many things as well. I feel so very blessed to have the friends and family I do that care about my situation and my heart, and I love that they want to celebrate my last year in my 20’s with me!