The Boy

Prayers For My Husband…

Over the last few years, I have been praying for, writing in my prayer journal, and thinking on a fairly regular basis for my (to be) husband.

My prayers eb and flow depending on things going on in my life, the things that are pressing or burdening my heart take over the prayer time, sometimes I will just utter a quick “And please help my husband with things going on in his life, guide him, and help him to know you are near…” and then I’ll move on. Other days I am so caught up in praying for my (to be) husband that I end up laying in bed awake for more than an hour… There are days and even weeks when I forget to even think to pray for him, and then suddenly I will be burdened to pray for “whatever situation and decisions are going on or needing to be made” in his life.

It struck me the other day that it is a little odd that I pray for my husband (present tense) as if I have one.. haha.. Which, I do not… Nor do I have any hint or indication of who he might be. But, at the same time, I find it unique and comforting that it feels normal to use the present tense, especially since he does not have a name in my head yet, I do not have a face or voice to give him, so the only other option is to call him my husband..

Lately I have been praying a lot of clarity, guidance, and for him to hear God’s voice clearly… There is a pretty good chance part of those prayers are due to the fact that I am needing and wanting those same things from God, but at the same time, I have yet to feel like I am running out of things to pray for clarity and guidance on for him… And, then I have been asking that God’s timing in our meeting be perfect, and to keep both of us from growing impatient and making mistakes.

2012 is just a different year.. I am still not sure what to expect from this year.

Giving…

A couple of times a week on my way home from work, I end up talking with my mom. We talk about our day, the last few days, things we have been thinking about, things we are praying about, and a whole lot of things that only moms would understand. I love and cherish these conversations with my mom because they are such special moments we share just us..

Anyway, we were talking tonight and I was updating her on conversations, things I found funny, and I was telling her about hanging out with the boy, things that we have talked about, and several things that I am learning and praying about regarding everything going on in my life right now. Part way through the conversation she commented on the story I was telling her saying that it seemed like a good thing because he did not seem as needy as past relationships I have had. She then went on to explain that I tend to operate from a place of giving… I give my time.. my energy.. my money.. my things.. my emotions.. I tend to just give, and I do not really have a shut off or a filter for when I need to stop or when I can no longer handle it anymore. She explained that there have been instances when it seems like the person I am helping literally just drains me and does not give back…

What I found particularly surprising in how she was explaining it was the way in which she clearly communicated a love for how giving I am, a hint of worry because of my lack of ability to just shut it off… Yet, mixed in equally with the other two was almost an admiration in her words for the fact that I operate my life with the understanding that if I CAN do something to help someone else.. why wouldn’t I?…

One of the things she mentioned (and what seems to be a totally logical approach to me), is her observation that I will respond the same to people who I barely know as I would to someone I love deeply.

I find myself really intrigued at the view my mom has of me.. Partially because I know she is right, and because there is so much love in the way she talks and worries about me (even though I’m about to turn 27 :), but also because I really had never thought of the fact that I do not really have an off switch in this area of my life. Sometimes I do, in a case by case basis, but I never say no over mild inconveniences…

After we talked, I began thinking about the ways in which this trait (whether learned, cultivated, or born in me) is and has been a good thing, but also how there have definitely been so many instances where it was really not a good thing. How in past relationships (friendships or otherwise) I literally just poured into them, sacrificing things I liked, needed or wanted in order to help them or “make the relationship work”.. all the while, literally just emptying myself.. Sometimes to the point of breakdown or worse. More often than not, I view things in light of “would this help or benefit them (whoever them is), and is there a sound reason NOT to?” If the answer is “yes, no” then typically I will do it.. Drive hours, spend time or money, go out of my way, lose sleep, work extra etc…

However, there is definitely a couple ways that I can see how this has turned into maybe a not so good thing for me.. Namely that I really struggle letting others help ME.. Sounds bizarre, but I honestly do not know how to handle it well, and really have to work at letting other help me… and more importantly asking others to help. There are some people that I have slowly accepted into the category of ok to ask for help, some I am really working on, and others I have no cognitive understanding of what it would look like to let them help me…

Don’t I seem like such a “good person”?…haha.. *gag*… That is not at all where I am going with this thought, and certainly not what my heart is contemplating regarding this whole thing…

Truly I am intrigued by the perspective my mom has, I am even more so intrigued because of how it applies to the story I was telling her, and how much I struggle with letting people help me… including, and maybe especially so the boy. I cannot even begin to fake being able to do everything alone, that idea is completely ridiculous, and I would be doomed to fail. I also know that I really need to work at letting others help me, and being (appropriately) vulnerable.. Sometimes (ok maybe a lot of the time) I have a hard time wrapping my mind around the reason someone else (especially the boy) would go so out of their way for me.. I mean, if I detached myself and looked at the situation or if someone else was explaining this to me, I would laugh and tell them how ridiculous it was, that of course they are loved and letting others help them is a wonderful thing.. Yet, applying it to myself takes on a whole different light.

How do I help others and be selfless without turning into a fortress all unto my own?… I haven’t a clue. How do I do these things without also turning into a self-centered person?.. I don’t know.

So, those are a few of my thoughts for this evening…

Nice Guys…

“Nice guys finish last.”

I cannot count how many times I have heard this saying.. sometimes in exasperation from guys or sometimes as a nonchalant (or maybe jaded or calloused) comment from girls. However, what I do know is the saying has always bothered me, and I always feel the need to defend it with the “no way, that’s not true!..” Yet, I always end up feeling defeated with very limited number of examples because I know regardless of what I know to be true, this is a feeling had by a lot of guys (and girls.. “Where are all the good guys?!”… While always choosing the wrong guys.. and I am guilty of this too…).

What is interesting is I know I will “end up” with a nice guy… not meaning the plain, boring, or pushover type of nice guy, but the kind that treats me better than I expect or deserve… Haha There just simply is no chance of me ending up with a boring or plain man. How do I know this? Because I know what is good for me, and the typical “bad guy” that I know has drawn me on several occasions has more to do with the strength of his personality, and the fact that usually those are the types of guys that are straight forward and view me as a challenge… But, that is never the type that will keep me for very long. So, while I hate to admit this, I understand that the typical “nice guy” often will feel like he finishes last because of being less likely to step into the unknown and risk getting hurt to pursue (I am sorry), but in reality, he will not feel that way when he finds his girl.

So, let me take a moment to say, nice guys, please pursue. Risk the pain and pursue us, be patient, be tender, be sweet, and show us we are worth anything… but for the love!!.. pursue us, do not wait for us to notice you, throw you a sign, or initiate. We are waiting for you to notice us, to show us we are important, and to prove to use that our insecurities are unfounded. I am not saying there is any sort of magical recipe for finding love, a girl, or avoiding heartache.. There is most certainly risk involved, and sometimes you will not be able to avoid the turn downs or heartache..

But, please.. please do not stop pursuing and risking for us.

From my experience, I am used to guys showing interest that realistically are not good matches or fits for me (or me for them) because of one reason or a dozen others, but what I have begun to realize over the last little while is that my relationships with them has actually left me extremely broken and insecure on the inside, which rarely comes out in any significant or visible way unless you add a guy into my life, then I throw all my energy into hiding the insecurities and trying to seem composed, put together, and not at all emotional. Sometimes, others can see the ways in which I am damaged and broken, although really you have to look for it (or know what you are seeing) to find it.

However, recently, I have found myself in a situation where a genuinely nice guy is pursuing me.. (and not at all plain, boring or predictable either!) He came out of nowhere (that I could see), and has been a sweet surprise. I am amazed constantly by how tender, caring, honest, and communicative this nice guy is… Not to mention (tall) funny (and tall), and incredibly smart (did I mention tall? haha). We are taking things very slowly, just sort of seeing how this unfolds. He and I both realize there are a lot of challenges ahead, so we are just taking it a little bit at a time and seeing where things go. What has been interesting for me throughout all of this though is how completely and totally sweet and caring he (this nice guy) is, and how much I am completely out of practice, not at all used to, and fairly uncomfortable letting someone else take care of me or go out of their way for me (How can anyone be bad at letting others care for them?!.. I dunno but I would get a gold star…). Thankfully, he is incredibly patient and does not get bent out of shape when I (sometimes) inadvertently fight back on things he wants to do to show I am important or ways he wants to take care of me. In return, I have been working incredibly hard at not even attempting to try to control or manipulate anything in order to make myself more comfortable in this situation I find myself in unexpectedly…

Let me clue you in on some of the internal workings of what is going on with me right now… I am very uncomfortable with, and really have no idea how to handle actually letting someone take care of me without then letting me do something in return or to “balance” things out again. I really like all the small things, and they make me feel incredibly special, but the reality is I have no idea how to respond or how to handle it.. so instead, I just get really awkward (or feel awkward inside haha). I purposefully try to take the focus off of me by asking questions or rambling about nothingness.. Usually in a failed attempt to keep him from seeing what I am thinking or how uncomfortable I feel that he is showing me that I am important. What is interesting for me is that in the midst of all of these conflicting emotions that I deep down I feel cared for in a way that I have never experienced before, which in turn only makes my awkwardness worse (who am I right now?!) haha However, what is the really interesting thing about all of this is how the intense uncomfortable feeling is something that I realize has nothing to do with anything him or his actions, but is purely my own insecurities… and maybe partially because I am a huge fan of practicality (…I am realizing practicality does not, nor do I realistically want it to play a role in how these types of things end up working out).

While I have no idea what is to come, and he and I are both uncertain about the future at this point (can anyone be certain of the future?), I am extremely thankful for getting the chance to experience something new, in a genuine, honest, and caring (and kinda new and exciting) way. I am also finding that I am spending a lot of time praying myself through my fears and insecurities and uttering “your will not mine” in my prayers more than I can remember… I also have found that I have a very welcome but bizarre feeling of peace, not because I feel an inclination in terms of direction, certainty or safety, but because I know that God is actually working things out.. And, in the end, regardless of what this will all end up looking like, I will be so incredibly thankful for all of it, and I will have learned so much.

Distractions…

Focus is something I am lacking as of late.

Maybe it has something to do with my new found (and despised) sleeping pattern, possibly because of a new relationship in my life… or maybe it has to do with the fact that I am heading to the mitten state soon to see my favorite little people and loved ones who fill my heart to overflowing..

Maybe it really is just that I have lacked discipline in my life lately and my body and mind are rebelling..

Whatever it is, I feel like focus is eluding me.

Random Splattering…

So, this is yet another gushing post haha

This past week or so has just been mass chaos. Beyond the insanity that has been work, I have painted 2 houses and moved.. Plus, I went to OH this past weekend for a wedding. Needless to say figuring out how to fit it all in and sleep has proven to be quite the challenge. But, come Friday when I was about to head out to Ohio, I was no where near done moving, and had gotten way less done then I had hoped I would get accomplished. My roomie was planning on moving over the weekend, and we had enlisted some friends to help move the washer and dryer, and a couple other friends had informed me not to worry about my stuff that they would move it… But, I still felt bad for not being there, and for the fact that they had to move my stuff.

Friday just before I left, the boy came over and hung out for a bit while I finished packing my stuff and the car, then so graciously helped the roomie move stuff (in INSANE humidity) from the old house to the new house… He got my 9 cube shelf up into my new loft.. which I was pretty sure was an impossible task, and that I would have to later at some point take it apart, cart it upstairs and re-assemble it. I was not looking forward to the task; but, he somehow (I still haven’t figured out how) got it up into my room… I was SOOO excited when I found out 🙂 haha you have no idea.

Saturday while I was busy playing catch up with old friends and getting things set up for the wedding, the boy spent his day fixing things for me, finishing the painting, put the light cover switch plates back on, organized the mass quantities of boxes that were all over my room, made my bed, and a whole assortment of other little things… And I had no idea.. none.

Sunday after the 8 hour drive home I was totally exhausted, and knew I had about an hour to nap before I had told friends I would show up to have dinner with them and other friends from out of town. After that, I was headed to see another friend who was in from out of town… When I got home, I made my way to my room and discovered everything that he had done. I sat on my bed grinning from ear to ear and giggling as I read the note explaining everything, then I sorta just sat there for a while and took it all in.. I was just totally stunned and had not expected it at all. I am pretty sure I looked ridiculous as I sat there grinning and soaking in all the hard work he had done.. which had to have taken a long time… I proceeded to gush to him about how awesome he is.. and he pretty much just laughed at me.. but, I am still pretty sure he has NO idea how big of a deal what he did was to me.

I think the thing that blows me away the most is how much he did not have to do any of the things he did, yet he chose to. I had not hinted at wanting him to, nor had I hoped he would.. It just simply was not on my radar as something to be aware of or think about. I had it all planned out in my head, how the timing would work out, and what the priority list was of things still needing to get done. I had anticipated everything and had planned accordingly (or so I thought)… The amount of stress that was lifted, and the level of appreciation that I have for everything he did really is almost impossible to explain. How he figures out all the perfect ways to help is beyond me. All I know is, I am so thankful for him and his thoughtfulness… all the time. 🙂 Not to mention the friendship he offers me.. He listens to me vent and think out loud, and encourages and pushes me everyday. haha… He really is oblivious to all the ways he makes a difference to those around him, which is kinda cool to me.. But, I wish he could just for a moment see how big of a difference his mere presence is to those of us that he cares for. He has no idea, and I have no way of really communicating it to him. Once again, regardless of where Jesus leads us in the future, I am changed and grateful for who he is, and the fact that I get the chance to be friends with him. 🙂

Happy Birthday…

So, today is The Boy’s birthday, and I just want to take a little bit to make it clear the things that are wonderful about him… I cannot afford to get him anything expensive, I cannot even afford to get him something he would really love (who knew car things were ALWAYS expensive… haha). But, I do want to make clear the reasons I am proud of him and the things I really like about him more than the average guy I know.

The Boy is insanely intelligent.. He answers the most random questions I have, and can explain anything with incredible patience as I try and understand whatever the topic is for the moment.
He makes me laugh ALL the time… Whether it is some random youtube video we watched that he recites or whether it is an inside joke… I just laugh, all the time. We will be talking, and he gives me these looks in response to whatever I have said that make me laugh because I can read exactly what he is thinking…
He loves helping people, and will go out of his way to do whatever he can.
I am amazed all the time by his ability to read and discern people and situations, he can look at me and tell instantly what is going on, if I am uncomfortable or upset or whether something we are talking about is bothering me… and he can tell if I actually am feeling the way I am saying I am.
He is passionate about all kinds of things, whether it is cars, guns, the army or something else… I cannot help but get caught up in his passion for those things, especially since he does a great job explaining things as he is telling me stories.
The Boy is diligent. Oh my word! I have watched him spend hours doing the same exact thing to get it perfect. It amazes me.
He is constantly selfless, even when he does not feel like doing something, he does it exclusively because someone else needs it.
He puts me before himself more then I could ever ask for… It is very humbling and I appreciate it more then he will every understand.
He is incredibly wise beyond his years, and it comes out every day in various conversations we have.
He does a fantastic job communicating, especially with me! ha! We talk about all sorts of things and we both are able to communicate well, and he does such a great job dealing with me even when I am worked up haha!
He has this amazing ability to see situations for exactly what they are.
He is always straight forward and completely honest, even if I have not asked or thought to ask something, he makes sure I know before it comes up or could be a potential problem later.
He is patient.
He is confident and secure, not arrogant or obnoxious.
He is sound in his belief in Jesus and not afraid to disagree with me…
He is real about his faith regardless of what that looks like, he never tries to add fluff or sugar coat it.
He is protective.. with me and with those around too.. he is observant of his surroundings and aware all the time.
He is motivated and driven.
He is a great man, regardless of what he sees in himself or what those around me do or do not see in him… if he stays my man or not, I am very proud of him, his accomplishments, and goals, and I am really glad and thankful to Jesus daily that he is a part of my life.

I have more… but this is a good start to my list 😉

He cannot understand half the things I see and appreciate about him… which allows me the chance to show him… A chance that I am really excited about. But, part of the neat beauty that is having a relationship (whether just friends or more), the other person can look at us and see the true unmitigated picture of who we are without our own biases and frustrations getting in the way.

So, Happy birthday to my boy… You challenge me in new ways and because of you I get pushed closer to our Savior. I appreciate your presence in my life regardless of what happens in the future… 🙂

Prayer and Worship…

I love how the prayer and worship to my Savior can just totally change things. It never ceases to amaze me how spending a couple hours reading my Bible and singing worship songs to Jesus changes me on the inside. I have no idea how it works or even why it works… All I know is it just does.

Wednesday I went to “Mainstreet” at TRBC before Campus Church and I spent some time reading my Bible and listening to music and journaling (sorry not blogging this time)… just writing down my thoughts from this year so far… things that have happened and all the ways that I have been pushed and challenged. All the things Jesus has done and the ways He has broken me only to rebuild me again better… It was a great time of just putting down everything in order… well I didn’t really type it in order, but in the end it’s in order 🙂

Then we had Campus Church.. which turned into almost 2 hours of solid worship time. *big sigh of relief* It was awesome. What was partially so great though was, they at one point had everyone sit down and put scripture on the screens for us to look up and The Boy and I shared my Bible while we read the various passages. Then when the music launched into the full worship section it was really neat to stand next to The Boy and worship… just be there together praising our Lord. It was awesome.

We went on a date and it was very causal and nice.. 🙂 Good times, at one point we were talking about various things going on that are just proving to be challenging in our lives. When I went home afterwards, I spent a really long time journaling and praying over the various things. What was so great about all of it is, that the next day The Boy called me really excited to tell me how God had already been answering these prayers of his… and unbenounced to him, my prayers as well. I pointed out that sometimes things like that just prove to be little “I love you” notes from Jesus…

Prayer and worship have more of an affect then we realize I think.