Decisions to Be Made…

IMG_0624My heart has been anxious, scattered, and felt unnerved lately… And, unfortunately, this may be a little bit of a jumbled post as I try to iron out some of the scattered thoughts…

Last night while I slept, it felt as though instead of sleeping and dreaming, I wrestled with questions and struggled to find my footing again. I am not sure if God and I were wrestling, or if I was just stressing…

For the first time in a long time, I find myself struggling through a plethora of insecurities… Am I good enough, strong enough, pretty enough, smart enough, loving enough, caring enough?.. Basically my insecurities have boiled down to, “Am I enough?” Sometimes it feels as though my insecurities come in waves, disappearing entirely for a while, and then crashing down on me once again. I love the seasons when they are gone because I feel uninhibited and free to dance in who I am.

I am in this weird place where I have total peace and no doubts about moving forward with my consulting work… I am doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing. I mean, it is definitely hard work, and requiring a lot of hours from me, but I love watching it unfold, and I truly enjoy the consulting itself.. but mostly, I love the people who I get to help.

It seems interesting and quite frustrating to finally feel like I have direction in one area of my life, and feel as though satan is attacking (or maybe merely just whispering to) my doubts and insecurities.

The best way I can describe it is, my inner layers are growing weary; that I desire stability and certainty, but instead what I find is doubt and uncertainty… almost across the board too, which is just aggravating. When I stop and survey all the aspects of things in my life, all of the decisions to be made, the stressors and of course all the uncertainties, I find my heart just being tired… No overwhelming emotion, just fatigue. I know that while I have a huge support system, I am ultimately alone in making decisions, and just feel exhausted at my center for at having to make them all.

I also think some of the weariness is due to trying to work towards healing wounds and insecurities, and realizing that I am probably more fragile than I care to admit or show…

True to my nature though, I tend towards being an all or nothing type person. Now that I have financial and professional direction, I want to work as hard as I can to get the other areas of my life to fall together and heading in the same direction as well.

I mean, I am certain that Jesus is my provider, and I have no doubt that He is also my sustainer. But, I would like to also feel secure and safe for a little while. There is a huge difference between knowing and feeling.

I really am thankful and amazed at all of the ways God has taken care of me, over the last year especially. Words really do not accurately describe the emotions that I feel when I think of all of the people who have stood in the gap… Because, regardless of your view of me, I really am not worthy of the amount of love and support that I have received.

On the other hand, I have felt for years, and even more so over the last year that no matter how many people love and support me, I am ultimately responsible for taking care of myself. My sense of responsibility for taking care of myself does not come from a prideful place, and certainly not from the viewpoint of not needing help, and I have no desire to do this because of an “I am woman hear me roar” attitude. However, my feeling of responsibility is more from the practical sense that, if I do not do it, there is no one else walking this journey with me, so it must be me.

I think now is a good time to pause and say that this “by myself” perspective is not at all directed at my lack of need for Christ or the Holy Spirit’s guidance.. Nor is it directed at feeling as though I do not need help.. cause I without doubt do need help. But, I am certain that my need does not inherently mean it is anyone else’s obligation to step in and help.

There are days that I feel like maybe I seek out and rely on others too much because I definitely seek out other people to talk things over with (sometimes ad nauseam) to help me figure out what and how to do all of this well. I am so, so thankful for the friendship, patience, and support of my sounding boards. But, when I climb into bed at night thinking over my day, I mull over and pray for the things that I did not do so well, the choices that need to be made the following day, and the situations that I am uncertain about, and I am reminded that this journey is between God and I.

Cast your burden upon the Lord and He will sustain you;
He will never allow the righteous to be shaken.” – Psalm 55:22

Exhaling…

IMG_1511Lately, I have been processing through how thankful I am for exactly where I am, both in life in general and physically. Sometimes, especially over the last couple years, I find that I get so focused on surviving, getting through, and just trying not to botch things up too badly that I forget to look around. Then, there are other times, like recently that I am constantly overwhelmed with thankfulness for exactly what is happening.

Recently, I was thinking through the process by which I got to where I am, and I am kind of amazed at how things have worked themselves out so far.

If you missed it, I decided to pursue my consulting business full-time; and, while there is a certain level (ok a whole heck of a lot) of uncertainty, I have totally been in awe of how God has stepped in both in huge ways, but also in the smallest of ways. Once I (finally) decided to make the switch, my extreme level of fear of failing dissipated like the morning fog. I just knew that this decision was exactly right (as oh so many had been telling me for a while).

Virtually instantly, God provided a couple of new clients, a tremendous amount of encouragement from so many people, a possible part-time job in the same field, and more peace has settled in my heart than I have felt in almost longer than I can remember.

Internally, I felt as though I had just accomplished the biggest feat, and I suddenly exhaled the breath I didn’t know I was holding.

Last week I was driving and realized that for the first time in more than a year, my thoughts and feelings both agreed that, “this consulting thing is going to work, and.. it will be really good.” I was almost shocked and started laughing at myself, alone in the car about the fact that I can move so slowly, and often be the last to realize some things.

However, if I only credited making a decision in terms of which direction to go as the reason why things feel so much more at peace, I would be skipping half of the equation entirely…

I have the most amazing friends. I say that often, to basically anyone who will listen, and I mean it every single time. Throughout everything, my friends have been supportive, encouraging, offering ideas or prayers, and have patiently spent an exorbitant amount of time just letting me verbally process. I am so beyond thankful for each one, for the ways in which they have shown me practical love, and carried me when I just could not do it or handle it anymore. My friends have supplied me with hope, excitement, and laughter in times when I just could not find my own.

Finally, I feel safe. Emotionally, spiritually, AND physically I feel safe because for so long I have not felt as though I had all three.

I feel as though I have finally stopped clenching of my white knuckled fist and have taken a deep breath.

It all feels like healing, precious healing.