Death

Behind the Bittersweet Story…

img_2125

I went to Costa Rica for my 32nd birthday with a few close friends!

But, there’s so much more to the story than the pictures ever can share…

One of the definitions of Bittersweet is “both pleasant and painful”. I have always known what this word means, especially as it pertains to food (such as bittersweet chocolate). However, I do not know that I have ever had such a vivid and personal scenario that is best described as: Bittersweet.

For my birthday, a few of my best friends and I planned for me and a group of my girlfriends to escape to Costa Rica… Secretly, I think they were all tired of me complaining about winter ruining my birthday every year!

img_2312

So, we found an amazing deal to go to Vista De Olas in the Mal Pais region of Costa Rica. Beautiful, and full of adventures waiting to be had. It was going to be epic, we had all sorts of fun things planned, and they had a slew of surprises up their sleeves. Jokes about the trip permeated our conversations for months as we planned and dreamed.

As the dates got closer, we all worked harder towards our goals financially, physically, and made lists of all the pictures and things we wanted to experience while in Costa Rica. It was going to be such an adventure, but we had such a fun time of planning and laughing at each other’s plans!

Three days before we were scheduled to leave, one of my best friends, who was also scheduled to come to with us had the worst day of her life. Without giving all the details of her story, her brother passed away in his sleep. It was a day and more than a week full of so much sorrow for her, her family, and loved ones. No one should have to navigate the death of a loved one… and as a best friend, there are no words or actions that can be done to make it better.

Pain and sorrow. That is the best way I can describe it all.

Two days later, her, myself, and another mutual best friend gathered and just sat together and cried. We spent hours sitting in silence, talking, crying, and just staring off into the distance as we processed and just experienced the loss of it all. There is so much pain in this unexpected season, and none of us know how to do this well, so we spent time just talking through our pain and sorrow for each other, and figuring out trying to support and navigate it all.

Pain and sorrow.

The following morning I turned 32; and I boarded an early plane headed for Costa Rica to celebrate my birthday with four beautiful and amazing women that are such good friends of mine… But, also without one.

Bittersweet sorrow.

My heart was overflowing with so much pain and sorrow. I spent the first part of the morning fighting back tears and trying to figure out how to celebrate and experience an amazing and fun trip that was planned by all of us; yet knowing one of my best friends was absent, and going through the worst week of her life… And struggling through the guilt of going without her, even though we had talked through it and she wanted me to go; it doesn’t reduce the sorrow experienced.

I kept finding myself circling my thoughts back around to the fact that we had planned this whole thing months prior, and yet God knew what would happen. So, why had he created this space for me to be separated? – Not in a questioning His goodness, but rather questioning the purpose and process He wanted with me when this space was created.

fullsizerender-1Each morning we spent time just being. Sleeping, reading scripture, journaling, and just sitting still to soak in the view before we went on adventures or to a beach.

img_2342

The ocean and sunshine have always been my go-to place to find Jesus and a soul reset. My mind almost instantly finds peace and calmness when I smell the ocean water and hear the waves. I have never had to fight for it before, yet I found myself heart-sick, and struggling to connect with God. I was fighting to find peace and release of my pain and anxiety. I knew what I needed, but I just couldn’t seem to get there.

A couple of nights into the trip, we gathered together on our patio and shared all of the different struggles we were each trying to work through. Anxiety and fear were the common thread between each one of us. The trip was a bittersweet escape for everyone. We spent a great deal of time just sitting silently together, each somewhat reluctant to share our own anxieties, but when all was said and done, we prayed while I looked at the stars.

The sky was expansive, never-ending, and beautiful.. Created and intricate by a God who cares and knows pain and sorrow intimately.

That night, I went to sleep with no change in feelings, but a desperate need to connect with Him.

img_2579

When I awoke in the morning, my sorrow for the situation had not changed, but I knew God was ready to spend some time together. I journaled and read scripture for longer that morning, and then swam to the edge of the infinity pool and just waited for God to show up.

He did.

Ever so slowly God replaced my anxiety with peace, He took my overwhelming sorrow and sided it with His Grace and understanding. He didn’t remove the pain and sorrow, but it no longer felt too much. Bittersweet. I could now see the sweetness of this trip without first seeing the pain. God met my needs with Himself, and I knew the pain wasn’t over, but the anxiety was put to rest, and I could now enjoy the trip fully, while experiencing the sorrow fully as well; but not feeling it tainted.

img_2431

While the trip is over, the pain and sorrow certainly is not. Death and grief are not simple nor easy. Life is different and changed forever, this next season is not what anyone wanted or planned, but it will be met with more of the Grace, Love and Mercy of our Lord.

Costa Rica was everything I needed it to be. I was able to find rest, to reset my heart, soul, and mind. I had the space to pause and grieve and hurt on behalf of someone else I love so much that words fall short.

God met me in Costa Rica with mercy new and specific for now.

Turning 32 was not what I expected, but it will forever be a marker for me. Bittersweet.

Seasons of Healing…

IMG_1532

I typically love seasons of healing, there is life and death taking place together in the process. I am entirely guilty of wanting to rush the process, but I never regret the time it took on the other side… This particular season of healing has proved more difficult than I anticipated. Which, I suppose no matter the injury, healing always takes longer than we think or hope for in the beginning.

One of the things that has struck me about this particular season of healing is how little the Christian community addresses what seasons of healing look like. And then, in the absence of clarity, I have found myself feeling a bit crazy in the process of what I have recently realized is actually pretty normal..
Should I feel this way?
Should I think like this?
Should I be this emotional?
Does this show my lack of faith?
Is this normal to feel this way?
Why can’t I seem to shake this off?
Am I depressed?
Is it normal to be so tired all the time?
Have I always been this stressed?
Have my muscles always been so tight?
If I love my life so much, why am I still feeling anxious?
And on and on and on….

I was talking with a friend who went through a similar experience, and her response was, “I’m sorry, I should have told you that you were going to feel all of these things for much longer than you would expect to.”

We then talked through all of the random feelings, all of the irrational emotions, the physical effects of everything… and how the season of healing on the other side of a dessert season is often forgotten about by those who have gone through them. I can see why though, I do not want to “stay” stuck in the past, so even I do not want to talk through my own situation… I just want to push forward.

I cannot possibly blame someone else for not thinking to tell me that this season of life sucks almost as much as the last. However, it is of utmost importance to work through and not barrel through this season. I must feel, sit in, deal with and process each step; then and only then will complete healing take place.

True growth and learning must happen in the midst of the whirlwind that feels like this season has been.

I am so thankful and beyond grateful for the plethora of people who have encouraged, challenged, given undeserved grace, shared wisdom or a listening ear, and for all of those who have prayed for me throughout.

So. Grateful.

On the other side of all of this God will make my ashes into beautiful art.

Through Eve’s Eyes…

I have been mulling for a while over what the world was like through Eve’s eyes. We know about her, she is the first woman ever, she is the one that was taken from a rib, and the one we wonder if she along with her husband Adam even had belly buttons… But, she is also the one we blame for.. well pretty much everything. She ate the fruit first, and ruined everything.

I am not gonna lie, I have thought: “I wouldn’t have made that mistake” … But, the reality is, I probably would have because the Bible is pretty clear about what happened leading up to that fatal day:

**For those who don’t know the story or need a refresher, here’s the background:

(After everything was created except for Eve) “Then the Lord God took the man and put him into the garden of Eden to cultivate it and keep it. The Lord God commanded the man, saying, ‘From any tree of the garden you may eat freely; but from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil you shall not eat, for in the day that you eat from it you will surely die.‘” (Genesis 2:15-17)

AKA – You have total freedom to eat anything except this tree or you will know death.

Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him.” (2:18)

In the next two verse God has Adam name all the animals. All. Of. Them. — Uhm, how long did that take?!.. And seriously, who has that kind of creativity at a day or two old?!

Then, the remaining four verses in chapter two are all about how God created Eve. Adam sleeps, God surgically removes a rib, creates a mate for Adam, then, as if Adam hasn’t had enough creativity for the day (or year), he names her woman because she came from him… (Probably his least creative naming job.)

Ok, so that is the little bit of the show that plays before the opening credits.

Genesis three is really where our little crappy story starts… And, as all good things gone bad, it starts with a crafty evil thing (a snake.. any wonder why they still look evil?!). The snake has a conversation with Eve,
“and he said to the woman, ‘Indeed, has God said, ‘You shall not eat from any tree of the garden’?’ The woman said to the serpent, ‘From the fruit of the trees of the garden we may eat; but from the fruit of the tree which is in the middle of the garden, God has said, ‘You shall not eat from it or touch it, or you will die.’ The serpent said to the woman, ‘You surely will not die! For God knows that in the day you eat from it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.’ When the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was a delight to the eyes, and that the tree was desirable to make one wise, she took from its fruit and ate; and she gave also to her husband with her, and he ate.” (Genesis 3:1b-6) He totally played to her practical side, and her love of beauty dang it.

I want to stop and call your attention to something real fast. In chapter two, God told Adam not to eat from the tree well before Eve was created… She gave the fruit to Adam who was with her, and he ate also. Which means that God told him, and he said nothing while Eve carried on a conversation with this snake (is that normal for animals to talk?!)

From there, the story goes on, but for the sake of brevity, I’ll summarize. God calls out to them, and they hid, when questioned they said they were afraid because they were naked. — First, why would they suddenly be afraid of God?.. And, why would they suddenly feel naked?.. That’s basically what God asks them, and Adam instantly accuses God by saying “That woman YOU GAVE ME…” *facepalm* When God asks Eve what happens, she owns up to the fact that she was deceived.

You see, Adam knew, Eve was deceived.

I guess to be fair, they are only young children in adult bodies.

From there, God curses both of them, but differently. Adam gets a cursing on his accomplishments, and Eve gets a cursing on her relationships. Awesome.

At this point, God kills an animal to clothe them (note, this is the first death of any kind in the Bible), then they are banished from the perfect wonderful Garden of Eden. But, it is my belief that God kicked them out of the garden to be merciful. You see, there was another tree. The tree of life.

When we ate from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil… if we had THEN ate from the tree of life.. we would never die, and thus we would forever be stuck in our sin.

Death makes a way for us to find redemption.

But, I digress.

Adam and Eve both lived HUNDREDS of years. As in Adam died in the 900 range. They both saw a lot of life come into this world. But, they both saw a lot of life die in this world as well. In fact, Cain and Abel (their two sons) had an epic sibling rivalry with each other and Cain ends up killing Abel. And, while it’s technically Cain’s fault Abel died, it is actually Eve’s fault.

This is where I want to dwell for a moment. The first bloodshed she experienced was an animal’s, she got to see and experience as God killed something to show mercy towards her and Adam. Life was lost because of her. But, when her son dies, human life was lost, and it is her fault. Before Abel, no human had actually died, so their closest understanding was the death of animals.

Imagine the grief.

Not only are you grieving the loss of your son, at the hands of your other son, but the blood is on your hands because you put your mouth to the fruit, and tasted the juice that dripped over your chin as you bit into it.

Eve got to see life and civilization take off, grow, form into clans and cities. Imagine the joy and wonder in those things. And then, she had to watch as it all crumbled for hundreds of years. And, it is her fault.

Now, think about this from yet another perspective. In the garden before that blasted fruit, her and Adam were walking and talking with God… He actually just kinda would visit them daily and they would have tea (no not really.. but maybe). And then, afterwards.. Never again do they hear the voice of God or feel Him like they did back then. Imagine the lonely feelings that would ensue from that alone. You know exactly what if feels like to be close, intimate, and talk with God… and then not at all. And, it is your fault. That would feel like a death all unto its own.

Suddenly the closeness you have with God, and the oneness with your husband is replaced with strife, arguments, loneliness, and a faint whisper of the memory of what it was all supposed to be like.

The heartache must have been almost unbearable at times. Especially, late at night when thoughts take over in the depths of the darkness.

We think of Eve as the one who “ruined everything,” and she did… But, I am fairly certain no one blames her more than she blamed herself. We are always harder on ourselves than others are on us. The guilt she carried as she watched her children and grandchildren and great-grandchildren struggle and die, knowing it. is. all. her. fault. No one can relate to her, she is entirely alone in that weight.

But, there is hope. Always hope with God.

Little did she know, God had a plan that took Adam and Eve’s lack of faith in God being honest and upfront with them, and decided that since they could see Him and still had no faith, our savior would require us not seeing and yet still having faith.

So, in the depths of the weight of Eve’s story, there is hope. In the middle of the painfully dark and lonely nights, there is mercy. And, no matter what she heard or did not hear any longer, she actually knew God unlike any of the rest of us ever have, and God chose her.