Faithful

God’s Credibility…

I keep mulling over this idea that the enemy of our soul, the deceiver, the evil one or Satan, whatever name you’d like to use; that he has one singular goal:

“he only comes to steal, kill, and destroy…” – John 10:10a

That’s it, all he wants to do is:
A. Steal.
B. Kill.
C. Destroy.

The end.

As I have been learning more about him, his names, and schemes against me (us), I have also been correspondingly learning about God, His character, and the Armor of God. I highly recommend Priscilla Shirer’s Armor of God study, it’s great!.. Although, it’s actually supposed to be done as a group study, and I’m preferring to do it on my own.

She makes this statement that has just stuck with me, and I’ve been mulling it over for a couple of weeks now.

One of the evil one’s main goals is to deceive us and to injure God’s credibility with us.

There’s something about the idea of my faith and confidence in God, His plans, and that He is in fact who He says He is being injured to the extent that I struggle with His very credibility… Maybe not necessarily ALL areas of who He is, but maybe just one or two?

Credibility is the quality of being trusted or being trustworthy. The ability to be believed.

Ugh.

I hate admitting that there are areas of my relationship with the Lord that have been injured, and it’s my fault. I just find myself so incredibly frustrated that I have allowed the enemy to deceive me just barely enough to create this struggle within my heart to trust that God is in fact inherently trustworthy in all areas of my life. He is not just trustworthy and able in the lives or situations of those around me, but for me, myself an I, on the most intimate of levels within my heart.

God’s credibility has been injured in my heart slowly over time, and He did absolutely nothing to deserve it, in fact, He’s done everything to not deserve it.

I can look back over my life and confidently say, God has been faithful to me. The Lord has comforted and guided me in the best and worst season’s of my life. God has blessed me in ways that aren’t of the American Dream blessings type, but in eternal things and richness of relationships… And, let me tell you, I absolutely am not nice enough or gentle enough to deserve it… Sometimes I’m just a jerk, and truly truly grace, mercy and forgiveness are my saving!

So where’s the struggle and why has His credibility been injured?

Simply put, because it pretty much boils down to His timing isn’t mine.

I have slowly, little by little over the course of my life struggled with one particular area of my life, and in my own hoping, and attempt to control or be capable or whatever, I have allowed his guidance to injure my belief that He sees me, and is for me.

In June I started praying that the Lord would reveal the lies that my heart had begun believing, and to show me where I had lost hope. It was sparked because of (I think) a staff Chapel where our pastor talked about it… In July leading into Uganda, what I prayed for over myself was that the Holy Spirit would not allow me to set aside or shut down my heart in order to function and “be a good leader.” I told God that I wanted whatever He had for me in Uganda, I wanted to have connection with Him, not just facilitate Him connecting with our team. I also had begun to realize how unhealthy it is for me to lock my heart away and not consult it for days, sometimes weeks. I believe that in order to be more sensitive to the Holy Spirit’s movements, I absolutely needed to learn how to better navigate my heart and head at the same time.

About six weeks ago, I began to find myself just overcome with the same old insecurities. All of these things that I always control and set aside in my locked heart were bubbling up; I had no control over them and there was no stopping it. I saw what was happening. The Lord was finally bringing to the surface areas of my heart where I had lost hope and believed lies about Him and myself.

His message was clear: We (you and me) are going to fix this.

So far, it has been an intensely painful process of weeding through word by word (you can read about some of those words here, here or even here) the areas that God’s credibility was in question or my insecurities about myself reigned free were linked to some of these words (and other ones I have yet to blog about).

In five weeks I plowed my way through an entire prayer journal that typically take me 4 or so months to use up.

Daily, I continue to get themes to process, mull over, read scripture on, talk about, pray through, and ultimately come to a new place in my heart on…

My biggest frustration is with myself in this process. I see what God is doing (at least in part), I see the here and now elements, I see the impact it is likely to have on me in the future, and I see the character development happening. Yet, I have very little grace with my own pace, my own struggle, and the ways that I can know (head) that something is or isn’t true, and yet find myself struggling so intensely (heart) that it feels overwhelming. I get frequently upset with myself and the way that it isn’t just as simple as see the truth and reality, and settle it within my heart and move on. Check and done.

I find myself feeling like I waffle back and forth day-to-day sometimes. One day I will be fine, I will be secure and confident in what God and I are doing, how He’s speaking to me (because let me tell you, He IS speaking to me a ton right now), and then the very next day I am riddled with a struggling, doubting, and fearful heart. – So. Annoying. I actually get tired of my own process, I cannot even begin to imagine how other’s close to me that are being subjected to my processing feel!

A few days ago I shifted my prayers as I have slowly begun to realize where my issues lay.

Lord, I believe and trust you.
Help my unbelief.

I absolutely, confidently believe the Lord can and will change me, He is walking me through this season and towards another with confidence, a purpose, and creating and molding me into the woman He desires me to be. I see the process, I even see the progress, and I very much so feel the changes happening within me. – Yet, even still, at almost 33 years old, I am learning to reset how God and I talk, how we communicate, and how I let Him lead me. It is scary. Necessary, but still scary in the depths of my heart.

When I realized that so much of this struggle stems from a deception sown in my heart years upon years ago and continued repeatedly that “maybe God isn’t credible and reliable in this one area…” – Ugh. So frustrating and upsetting.

Yet, here I am, three months into the process, six weeks of intensive care from the Lord, and He has been nothing but patient and extending so much assistance and aid to me. He has helped me learn His voice better in the last six weeks. He is guiding me daily through scripture, He is giving me dreams when I ask for them, and prayers from other people when I can’t find clarity. He’s given me pictures spoken over me from people who know my situation and season, and other’s that are clueless. Literally at this stage, within one day I will have an answer to whatever I’ve been struggling with…. It is of course never as simple as “yes or no.” Instead, it’s a new theme or a synonym of an old theme spoken to me like, “God said for me to tell you ‘Keep going.'” (I *may* have fallen to the floor in dramatics when I was told that lol)

I think in my head I want this clear audible voice that I cannot refute with a specific answer.

Instead, God is not subject to my need for control in the form of a clearly audible voice. He doesn’t cater to my timeline, nor would I want Him to be ultimately… So, rather, He is teaching me along the way that He is in fact credible. He is trustworthy enough for me to believe and follow without pause or worry. His timing matters more than the insecurity and lack of patience in my own timing. He has been clear, not only am I able to understand what He is doing, but I will also be prepared when the time is right.

So good.
So hard and scary.

This season, it is about learning His voice, renewing what was broken and lost, it is about obeying what He is telling me. I will forever be changed after this season. My faith in God for everything, at every step, at every pace, and in all ways is being restored as if it was never broken or damaged.

God’s credibility is being restored deep within my heart.

 

How Are You?


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A beautiful sunset sitting outside overlooking Union Station (no filter).

My days are so long, filled to the brim, and often overflowing. Every night around midnight I debate on if I can do squeeze one more thing into my day or if it is a wiser option to finally turn the lights off and sleep. Usually I squeeze something else in…

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But, my weeks F.L.Y. by… Seriously. At the end of every week, I am totally and completely amazed by how quickly the week went. Even more, I cannot believe we are so far into March already! Where is 2015 going?!

So, how am I?.. That has been the question I am getting repeatedly… I am still trying to catch up to my own life I think. I have only just begun to find my cadence to life again. I guess it is for good reason I get asked often how I am since I am currently in a stage of full throttle, but I never really feel like I have a good answer for the question.

Or worse, as odd as it sounds, I really am not a fan of the “how can I pray for you?” question right now. Not because I don’t want prayer, but I cannot seem to be able to think of something when asked… things don’t seems to grasp my attention long enough to ask someone else to pray over.

Maybe the best thing I could ask for prayer for is my level of energy, for sleep to be restful, for wisdom and grace in all situations… especially despite any emotions I still find myself working through.

You see, I am still quite a bit more emotional than I am comfortable with.. or that feels normal for me.
I find myself pretty strongly still regulating what comes out of my head because I am aware that how I think things in my head is undeservedly severe oftentimes.

But honestly, I am good, life is busy, full of good and great things, challenging things, frustrating things, laughter, anger, contentment, exhaustion, all of the feels. Every one of the feels permeates my life right now.

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Thankfully, Spring has finally arrived.. Sorta. We have had DAYS of sunshine, and weather that has allowed me to wear a light jacket instead of try to cover every exposed portion of my skin! I was able to open the windows, clean the house, and breathe the sunshine in deeply this week.

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God is showing up so merciful, faithful, forgiving, and loving. Like I have always known, but much louder right now than normal. Earlier this week, I was having a particularly difficult day, and randomly several people called, texted or e-mailed me throughout the day saying they had been thinking of me and felt compelled to connect.
By the time the third one happened, I just couldn’t help but smile and something inside me shifted because I think I finally was getting the message from God: “I do in fact see you and care tremendously.”

2015 is certainly turning out to be a year unlike any other, and I am so thankful, and feeling quite blessed.

Letting Go of Survival…

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I have officially completed three weeks of my new job, and my first full week of everyone being back from holiday breaks. I feel a level of accomplishment.. but mostly I just feel tired from the dramatic change in pace of life in the last month!

Please do not misunderstand me, I love it. I am enjoying every bit of the crazy chaos that is now my life. I am so thankful for the first paycheck. I am excited about adventures, food, relationships, and all the possibilities of what is my daily life now. However, I realized a few days ago, I am still living in survival mode.

I have spent more than a year now living in survival mode, and found myself a bit frustrated that I could not just let go and embrace this fresh new life.. And a friend gently reminded me I have had exactly one paycheck, there is no reason I would naturally just forget the worry and stress that has been such a habitual part of my life recently.

Yet, even still, I have an intense desire to let go of feeling the need to cling to survival mode.

I was talking with someone who I actually do not know beyond his name, and he prayed over me, and then said a bunch of things to me about what he felt like God was telling him to share with me.

(Little disclaimer, there’s more to the story, and more detail than I am going to share, but overall, my stance is take what other’s tell you God is telling them to share.. Then write it down, pray over it, mull over it, and weigh it against scripture to see if it lines up. Sometimes what is shared is exactly on point, other times it is only a part of the picture, and then sometimes it is not accurate.)

So, anyway, he said (not in order),

That I was a bridge builder, and would act as a connector.
That God was in a season of wanting to show off to and with me…
Which lead to him saying that I needed to dream again, and ask God for all the things I need.
He said that God was going to take care of me and do things immediately, and that it would blow my mind, and I would end up with all these crazy stories…
He then told me that I needed to write things down and keep track of it all.

He also went into a bit of detail about my ministry, which I have written down, but would prefer not to share here yet.

One of the things he did mention was that I carried a joy and a light that is unusual, that I change a room when I enter it, and that my relationship with Christ is unique… He also explained a bit more, but I will also keep those things to myself for now.

So, now here I find myself, praying through and for these things.. but also trying to pray through figuring how to dream once more, how to let go of survival mode and once again enter into reckless faith and trust in my Savior.

Psalm 37

Do not fret because of evildoers,
Be not envious toward wrongdoers.
2 For they will wither quickly like the grass
And fade like the green herb.
3 Trust in the Lord and do good;
Dwell in the land and cultivate faithfulness.
4 Delight yourself in the Lord;
And He will give you the desires of your heart.
5 Commit your way to the Lord,
Trust also in Him, and He will do it.
6 He will bring forth your righteousness as the light
And your judgment as the noonday.

7 Rest in the Lord and wait patiently for Him;
Do not fret because of him who prospers in his way,
Because of the man who carries out wicked schemes.
8 Cease from anger and forsake wrath;
Do not fret; it leads only to evildoing.
9 For evildoers will be cut off,
But those who wait for the Lord, they will inherit the land.
10 Yet a little while and the wicked man will be no more;
And you will look carefully for his place and he will not be there.
11 But the humble will inherit the land
And will delight themselves in abundant prosperity.

12 The wicked plots against the righteous
And gnashes at him with his teeth.
13 The Lord laughs at him,
For He sees his day is coming.
14 The wicked have drawn the sword and bent their bow
To cast down the afflicted and the needy,
To slay those who are upright in conduct.
15 Their sword will enter their own heart,
And their bows will be broken.

16 Better is the little of the righteous
Than the abundance of many wicked.
17 For the arms of the wicked will be broken,
But the Lord sustains the righteous.
18 The Lord knows the days of the blameless,
And their inheritance will be forever.
19 They will not be ashamed in the time of evil,
And in the days of famine they will have abundance.
20 But the wicked will perish;
And the enemies of the Lord will be like the glory of the pastures,
They vanish—like smoke they vanish away.
21 The wicked borrows and does not pay back,
But the righteous is gracious and gives.
22 For those blessed by Him will inherit the land,
But those cursed by Him will be cut off.

23 The steps of a man are established by the Lord,
And He delights in his way.
24 When he falls, he will not be hurled headlong,
Because the Lord is the One who holds his hand.
25 I have been young and now I am old,
Yet I have not seen the righteous forsaken
Or his descendants begging bread.
26 All day long he is gracious and lends,
And his descendants are a blessing.

27 Depart from evil and do good,
So you will abide forever.
28 For the Lord loves justice
And does not forsake His godly ones;
They are preserved forever,
But the descendants of the wicked will be cut off.
29 The righteous will inherit the land
And dwell in it forever.
30 The mouth of the righteous utters wisdom,
And his tongue speaks justice.
31 The law of his God is in his heart;
His steps do not slip.
32 The wicked spies upon the righteous
And seeks to kill him.
33 The Lord will not leave him in his hand
Or let him be condemned when he is judged.
34 Wait for the Lord and keep His way,
And He will exalt you to inherit the land;
When the wicked are cut off, you will see it.

35 I have seen a wicked, violent man
Spreading himself like a luxuriant tree in its native soil.
36 Then he passed away, and lo, he was no more;
I sought for him, but he could not be found.
37 Mark the blameless man, and behold the upright;
For the man of peace will have a posterity.
38 But transgressors will be altogether destroyed;
The posterity of the wicked will be cut off.
39 But the salvation of the righteous is from the Lord;
He is their strength in time of trouble.
40 The Lord helps them and delivers them;
He delivers them from the wicked and saves them,
Because they take refuge in Him.

My Father has always been faithful to me.

Reason to Sing…

I stumbled upon Reason to Sing by All Sons & Daughters over the weekend. It has been out for a while (several years actually), but somehow I missed this song in my regular search for new music of every genre. I love this song. My favorite thing is the progression of feeling, which adequately uses music to communicate how I have been feeling.

“When the pieces seem to shatter
To gather off the floor
And all that seems to matter
Is that I don’t feel you anymore
No I don’t feel you anymore
I need a reason to sing
I need a reason to sing
I need to know that You’re still holding
The whole world in Your hands
I need a reason to sing”

For months I have struggled with feeling like things have shattered, and that I have been left alone to clean up the mess. I have felt abandoned, alone, and tried my hardest to feel God again… And cried repeatedly when I didn’t. I have wanted desperately to feel connected, joyful, and like I had worship within me. I so badly have wanted to feel in my heart once again that God still has everything together, and that He will work it all out for my good and to bring Him glory in the end. I did not care as much about the whole world, but needed to know that I was seen and my world was loved and cared for.

“When I’m overcome by fear
And I hate everything I know
If this waiting lasts forever
I’m afraid I might let go
I’m afraid I might let go”

Fear has been a huge part of this journey, especially as it seems to be dragging on with no ending in sight. I have denied fear and hurt often, but the reality is “what if..” has plagued me for nine months now… And for a year prior to that for different reasons than I face currently.

“Will there be a victory
Will You sing it over me now
Your peace is the melody
Will you sing it over me now”

My mind and heart have battled for months between my head knowing God will come through and my heart being fickle and unsure. I have prayed daily for victory, reassurance, peace, and confidence in my heart once again.

Then slowly, almost without noticing, it has transitioned into:

“I will sing, sing, sing 
To my God, my King 
For all else fades away
And I will love, love, love
With this heart you’ve made for me
For you’ve been good always
For you’ve been good always.”

Now I find myself sitting in a blending of the two sides of this beautiful song. I have not yet stepped out of seeking for God to sing His victory and peace over me.. But, I have found my heart slowly.. ever so slowly settling into confidence that God has been good always, and He has made my heart to sing to Him while all else fades away.

What a painful journey the last couple years have been. I always expected to get over it when I had a job and felt like I could move on… In a lot of ways that will be true, but I have slowly (seriously slower than a snail slow) have begun to see how God is working on me. Totally not in my timing, definitely not in the ways I wish or would have chosen, but I can see the change, and that alone helps. Just knowing this was not all pointless, that I have grown, my heart has changed, and coming back around to seeing the goodness of God is profoundly helpful.

Useless…

Recently, I have been struggling with feeling useless. It is no surprise to anyone that I strive to be productive, to help, to do things, to engage, to participate… however you want to describe it. I like to be an active participant in life.

So, this period of life has made me feel trapped and useless. I feel as though I am stuck in quicksand or tar, and totally helpless and at the mercy of others…. However, realistically this is a great place for me to be, and exactly right. Learning to accept help from those around me is a fantastic thing to learn because I am pretty bad at it naturally.

In this season, I cannot help myself, I cannot work my way out of the situation, and sadly, I cannot even really help others the way I desire to, which just frustrates me… So, I have been struggling with feeling useless.

God has a purpose for me, I am sure of this, but is this period of me unable to do anything truly a part of this purpose?

I mean, being a follower of Christ mixed with my unique blend of characteristics and personality, it is no surprise that I desire to be doing and helping others, but because of my inability, I feel incredibly limited and frustrated. All of the feelings have caused me to spend a great deal of time praying and asking God to show me what He is doing. Help me learn, and see things correctly… But, probably most of all, I want to have the attitude I need throughout everything.

I have found myself having to purposefully not do things (like read my bible) in order to temper my desire to utilize “works” to get myself out of this season faster. Because, as much as I want this period of my life to be over yesterday, I do not want at all to come out on the other side of this and feel as though I did it, I succeeded, or I was the one who fixed my situation. I want the correct perspective on the other side, and a real, authentic understanding of what happened during this time period, not a cliché answer.

I have spent a great deal of time thinking, debating, and praying during all of this stuff  going on in my life… And, unfortunately on more than one occasion, I have found myself thinking, “I should read my Bible, because this season will surely get over sooner if I do..” And, instantly I am reminded that BY GRACE ALONE I am saved, not by how much I do or pray or read the Bible.

However, the other day, I felt the familiar “Today is a great night to read my Bible for a while..” So, I looked at my chart of the books and chapters I have yet to read in order to complete one of my goals for the year, and I landed on 2 Peter.

“Now for this very reason also,
applying all diligence,
in your faith supply moral excellence,
and in your moral excellence, knowledge,
and in your knowledge, self-control,
and in your self-control, perseverance,
and in your perseverance, godliness,
and in your godliness, brotherly kindness,
and in your brotherly kindness, love.
For if these qualities are yours and are increasing,
they render you neither useless nor unfruitful
in the true knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.” – 2 Peter 1:5-8

Which, then reminded me of Romans 5:

“Therefore, having been justified by faith,
we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ,
through whom also we have obtained our introduction by faith
into this grace in which we stand;
and we exult in hope of the glory of God.
And not only this,
but we also exult in our tribulations,
knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance;
and perseverance, proven character;
and proven character, hope;
and hope does not disappoint,
because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.
For while we were still helpless, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly.” – Romans 5:1-6

Ok, so two separate sections of scripture reference the process of growing and learning throughout struggles.

Which means, I am neither useless or unfruitful.
It is in my helplessness that Christ died.
Struggles and bad times ultimately bring hope and cultivate love.