Hold Steadfast

This is 34

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So, this is 34.

I’m 34, and let me tell you, 33 kicked my butt. It was good and it was awful. It was hard in every way, it challenged me, grew me, destroyed me, and maybe hopefully began to repair me as well into a more fully healed and whole person than I was when I started.

God and I had some really intimate highs, some painful lows, and a slew of confusing silences.

This is a really long-winded blog, it’s ok to not read it, it’s mostly for me to process externally anyway.

So, for my birthday, here are 34 impactful things that I learned this year that I think are worth noting.

  1. I’ve fully submerged myself in the importance of forcing yourself to write/journal your prayers and thoughts. Even if not every day, it gives a place marker for the things you’re struggling through, and a way to go back and review how you have grown and changed. It’s the best thing to do when you have nothing to say inside or too much to make sense of.
    Even if it’s once a week, write it down… Especially your prayers and feelings towards God.
  2. Don’t just share your highlights.
    As intimately personal as seasons can be and feel, they were meant to be shared. The good, bad and ugly. It’s really important to allow people to see all of you. Obviously at varying levels depending on the relationship, but sometimes you have to be more vulnerable than makes sense to someone you barely know.
    Life is meant to be shared so we all know we are not the only one and we can help one another heal.
  3. Celebrate. Everything.
    I learned this from my dad. My mom calls him a “fun junky” and he loves to use anything as a reason to celebrate… “It’s Friday and we survived the week? Celebratory Pizza it is!!” – This year was really hard, and a few of my friends and I decided to celebrate everything. Try it! Celebrating everything makes the hard times better with moments of relief, and the best seasons more fun.
  4.  Setting expectations is really important.
    I’ve always been a communicator by nature and nurture, but this is the first year I’ve started really focusing on setting expectations for myself and clearly defining them or re-defining them with those around me.
    Most (not all) arguments, heart hurts or relational pain of any kind can be avoided if expectations are clearly explained and talked through.
  5. Life is shitty sometimes.
    There really isn’t anything you can do or others can do to make it better, it just has to be ridden out with the faith that it will get better because everything just has a season, and each season will pass.
    The shitty parts of life feel like forever, but they aren’t, so give it time.
  6. Take the time to just be present in your good moments.
    I’ve tried to make it a habit to take moments to just sit and be and focus on memorizing good moments. The way they smell, the laugh lines on someone’s face, the sound of the ocean or laughing, how I feel in that moment etc..
    Take time to tuck away good moments in your heart.
  7. Learn how you process in a healthy way…
    Just because something is the way “you” process doesn’t make it beneficial or healthy… But, learn what is, and then create space for your process.
    So. Many. People. told me what I needed when the man I loved broke my heart and my job suddenly wasn’t mine anymore; all within a months time. But, I knew that I wasn’t them, and I couldn’t make myself process like them, I needed to observe my own personality and process and create space for that.
    If you don’t know how to be healthy, ask people older than you or those who know you really well to help you. Don’t let your hurt and pain create an unhealthy process for you.
  8. When life is a shitshow and everything is out of control, make yourself choose healthy things within your control.
    For me it was meal prepping healthy food for the week and exercising every single day. It made sure that I was giving myself every good and healthy food and chemicals (hello endorphins!) in my system that would help, but mostly it was something *I* could control in a healthy way in a season that was totally out of control.
  9. Apparently Essential Oils really do help.
    I’m such a reluctant hippie when it comes to essential oils (I use primarily Young Living *cue drama*), but they have made a difference. Nothing that is EARTH SHATTERING, but small things. A few times they made a huge difference, and a few times I didn’t notice much. But, overall I did feel better, and whether that’s placebo or not is irrelevant if I’m feeling better. There are instances when essential oils worked better than anything else I could find, and didn’t give any side effects. So, do your research (it’s actually hard to find research, but slowly more studies are being done), but also maybe start using them.
  10. Sunshine really does make a difference in how you feel. Do everything possible to put yourself in some sunshine, even if you look like a crazy cat sprawled out across the floor. Do. It.
    If you can’t find sunshine, go make your own fake sun and lay in a tanning bed for 6 minutes. (I’m not even kidding with this one)
  11. Self-care, like everything else is on a pendulum swing… Sometimes it looks like face masks and bubble baths, but usually it’s real and honest assessments of where you are, and what you need… AND THEN TELLING SOMEONE ELSE. Usually half of the time I think I need personal alone time for “self-care” I actually need my closest people, laughter, and a shared experience that makes me remember good times are ahead.
  12. I don’t understand God.
    I don’t understand why He allows so much pain and suffering. I don’t understand why He doesn’t fix things the way that I think a kind, tender, faithful and loving God should… I don’t understand why some people experience so much trauma, and why others experience so much blessing… But, then again I have been believing in God long enough to know that pain and suffering doesn’t mean God is absent, even though that’s really what it feels like sometimes.
    My lack of understanding God often leaves me angry, frustrated and hurt by Him, but, it doesn’t mean I believe or love Him any less either. It is all just the reality of the situation.
  13. I’ve discovered this year that my head has more faith in God than my heart does.
    My heart is fickle and full of chaos and turmoil. My head remembers the things of the past compared to how things are now and is able to process through and draw logical conclusions. My head is able to recall scripture to anchor to when my heart just feels chaos. God is faithful, even when He doesn’t seem like it right now.
  14. When you’re going through the worst season, or even just a really hard one… You have two options as it pertains to those around you that love you:
    A) communicate your needs to others.
    B) Give them the grace and benefit of the doubt that they are in over their head too… And, they are likely just as incapable of reaching out to care for you, as you are for them.
    There isn’t any other options with those we love and rough seasons.
  15. When you’re in a good place, reach out to those that aren’t.
    If you’re in a really great place and those around you are not… Every. Little. Thing. Helps.
    Text messages, bottles of wine, chocolate, hanging out, sending gifs or youtube videos, sitting silently, sending a card, cleaning the house, hugs.. Anything that shows you see them, you care, and you have the capacity to carry the burden with them for even one day.
  16. Adulting is hard. – But, it’s worse when you allow yourself to wallow in unhealthy choices.
    Adulting well means choosing to do hard things that are good for you no matter how you feel… But, do it anyway, especially when you have to force yourself to make good choices regardless of how you feel. Doing those healthy-hard things now means the better things later.
    – And, if you’re struggling with depression, it’s ok, we all do at some point. But, it’s so important to talk to a few people who love you about it, and ask them to help you.
    Also, physical exercise of any kind truly does help.
  17. Forgive.
    People are shitty sometimes. People can make awful choices that directly or indirectly cause pain…  But, not everyone who hurts you was malicious or even understands, and sometimes people use us and disregard us because they are inconsiderate. Sometimes people hurt us out of misunderstanding, and other times they are too self-centered to see how they hurt us. No matter the situation, it’s really important to forgive. (Which is not the same as forgetting, that’s just stupid to think we will forget like it never happened.)
  18. Take breaks.
    Take a break from your phone, social media, tv, movies, anything that is a distraction for you needs to be something you break from… Whether that’s a few hours, days, weeks or seasons of breaking and fasting it. Give the distraction a break and step away. It’s really hugely important for your brain, your heart, and your soul.
  19. When you’re not ok, STOP READING THE NEWS.
    I’m not even kidding. Do whatever it takes to avoid the news and people who talk about the news. I’ve gotten up and walked out because people I care about wanted to talk about world news and I couldn’t handle it and knew it. – Your heart and mind were not meant to absorb the world’s news constantly. Ban it from your world for a little while and replace it with good, fun or uplifting things. Your heart will thank you.
  20. Apparently a regular skin care routine actually does make a difference!
    The last half of this year I’ve begun doing much more than just washing my face twice a day… Or for a while I was washing, toning, moisturizer, and SPFing daily. But, what I’ve discovered is that once a week face masks, washing and moisturizer twice a day, and the semi-occasional exfoliation really does wonders. But, even more than that, I’ve learned to rotate my products every 2-3 months to keep it effective. (Seriously, mid-thirties women should not still be struggling with acne)
    – Fun tip ladies, treat your neck like it’s your face. It helps.
  21. Do hard things that you are a little afraid to fail at.
    I took on some seriously daunting physical challenges this year. I was really very uncertain if I would be able to succeed due to my tendon and ligament disorder that causes my body dislocate all the time. It took so much training, but also a lot of people to help me learn and grow and stay focused when I wanted to quit. I succeeded, and I was more proud of myself than I expected to be. Especially given everything that was working against me while I trained.
  22. Community that loves you makes all of the difference.
    I’ve always been a more-better when it comes to people around me. But, this year I allowed people to actually step in and be around me and with me through my various seasons and types of processing. It made a huge difference… But, it is also so much work to continue to pursue people when life is busy and hard. Scheduling things for a month later really does help.
  23. Holding Steadfast doesn’t mean what most think.
    I learned how hard it is to hold steadfast. To remain and stay strong. Yet, I also learned that it does not come without struggle, pain, doubts, fear, and turmoil… But that it cultivates a different type of stubbornness; one that is not selfish or for your own gain, but rather despite how it feels, the consistent choices to pick up and continue to remain steady.
  24. Perseverance has to be cultivated and you have to prove yourself.
    Doing hard things and seeing them through no matter how you feel, what you’re going through, whatever obstacle is in front of you, all of these things can only be cultivated and created with the decision to persevere. You learn who you are, and sometimes you have to actively choose who you will be… And then, on the other side, you discover that you truly are someone who perseveres no matter what is in front of you.
  25. Obedience to God doesn’t make sense.
    Probably the biggest and most painful thing I learned this year is that obedience to God doesn’t make sense. In fact, it is often awful and really incredibly hard. Obedience, no matter how you feel or what other people say, and even if it is illogical, it doesn’t matter if you know what God is asking you to do – You have to do it.
    Obedience is hard, and proving that you are faithful (although not perfect), is another thing that can only be learned and created through perseverance. Your integrity grows, your patience grows, but you also have to take lots of moments to step back mentally and choose the right choice instead of the reactive response. It’s hard, and there’s no way around it. Learning obedience is a must.
  26. Being single in your mid-thirties is really rough.
    While being single has some life-giving and really fun opportunities, and while I do my best to live life fully… it is also heart crushing and soul killing to be single with the majority of men today.
    It’s also hard to be single and to be given advice by people who are ignorant of what it means to be much more than a decade into adulthood, and still navigating life alone.
    Dating is really awful the vast majority of the time.
    Being a single woman who loves Jesus, and chooses to remain a virgin in her mid-thirties (hello hormones anyone?) is literally no easy task. Because there are also very very few good single men who believe and follow Christ wholly, it easily creates an overwhelming depression about what the future may or may not ever turn out to be… It’s hard.
  27. Being single is better than being in a broken marriage.
    I have watched and walked through some really awful marriage situations with people I love so much. It breaks my heart to watch how people’s brokenness, sins, selfishness, apathy, laziness, or just meanness creates so much unnecessary pain and turmoil.
    Marriage is what I want, but I am not blind to the pain it can also cause.
  28. Decisions have natural consequences, and wisdom matters.
    I feel like this year more than any before it I have started to see and reflect on the wisdom of situations and choices. My own and others. What can I learn from this or that? I’ve started to see choices and natural consequences like a highlighter leading to wisdom or foolishness, and that has led me to pray more for wisdom and understanding.
    … I don’t know how much God has answered those prayers, considering so many things in my life, but It still is the thing I pray the most for.
  29.  Sometimes, all that can fix a situation is the ocean – Or really any vast expanse of space…
    There is a peace and calm that settles over your anxious heart and racing mind when you put yourself somewhere that makes you feel small. It is really good and resetting.
  30. It is really important to learn who you are.
    I’m intense, I’m passionate, and I’m kind…. But, I’m not gentle.
    I have learned a lot this year about the qualities I possess that are really good, but that I frequently misuse. I have also learned a lot about how to better communicate so that I am not harming others…
    I will forever be intense and passionate and kind, it’s who I am naturally.
    I will forever have to work incredibly hard to be gentle when the situation calls for it because I am not so great at this when I’m not paying attention to myself… We are all flawed works in progress.
  31. I learned this year that I do not trust God with my heart when it comes to love and romance.
    In fact, I expect Him to build my trust and then rip it away and leave me even more broken. – I wish I had a healing answer for this to share with you, but because of the 14 month process with God and this guy who hurt me this year, I don’t. I’m still hurt by God more than the guy at this point, and I don’t really trust God with this area of my heart… So, I’m trying to find my way back to Him and healthy in this area… To Be Continued.
  32. Travel.
    You need to travel, even if it isn’t out of the country… Although I really love to do that too.
    This year I learned from some of the most incredible people in another country. I learned about humility and perseverance, forgiveness and faith, and I learned about strength and love in a way that I had never seen before. Traveling and experiencing people and places changes your heart and helps you see things differently than you could ever understand by just reading about it or watching something about it.
    Traveling gives perspective that I think God uses to help us see better.
  33. Patience is cultivated.
    Between God, my dog’s 14 month health issues, people, and so many other things, this year I have learned so much about patience being cultivated and chosen. You don’t become more patient just by going through rough situations, you grow in your patience when you engage in it fully.
  34. Change can be good or hard or fun or the worst thing ever.
    Change is like the seasons, it will come and it will go… It can be good or bad, ugly or beautiful, fun or the worst, exhausting or exhilarating… Change is not inherently anything.
    So, it’s important to choose change for fun things… change your hair, get a fun tattoo, buy clothes that are a different style, change-up your pattern. Allow change to be good for you, and fun, because change will inevitably come at some point that is not positive…. But, that too will change again.

The 8 of 2018

I’ve been putting off this blog post for a while now, mostly because it feels so much more real and vulnerable than some of the others I have written lately. Even though this whole fall has been incredibly intense and personal in general, I have purposefully written my blogs in a way that creates enough space for anyone reading it to connect it to themselves.

This blog post is just me, it is my story.

Every year, our pastor chooses a word or theme, and challenges us to do the same for the coming year. A couple of years ago, my theme was Never Dull, which you can read about here and was very much re-teaching me how beautiful and full life was in all moments. Life is Never Dull.

Last year, I had TEN words; It was ridiculous… Actually, in all honesty, I forgot about them a couple of months into the year. The chaos of the year overtook me, and it wasn’t until a friend mentioned them in a conversation sometime in October or so that I went back to my prayer journals to look them up again. – I was blown away to see that every single one of those words is what God was working on in me throughout 2017… Whether I remembered them or not didn’t actually change the fact that God worked on them in me despite what the year threw at me… The year was anything but peaceful, calm, tranquil, still etc…

I began praying about 2018 in October.

I started praying about it because I was feeling overwhelmed, fear-filled, and realizing that my heart didn’t trust God in a pretty substantial area.
I knew I needed to press in even more and let God work in and through me.
I knew that God had been speaking to me to “Hold Steadfast, Persevere, be Obedient.” But, I didn’t quite feel like these were the words or theme for 2018. And then November 2nd (a day when I was fasting), I felt like God clearly spoke to me “Love is patient“. And that has been rolling around in my head and heart since. The last six months has been one thing to the next that God is working on in me to rebuild and restore the trust that He didn’t damage. – But, even still, these are not the words or themes for 2018.

So, without even intending to, the word “Change” popped into my head out of nowhere as I drove back to DC from Atlanta. I was returning home after visiting my brother and his family for Thanksgiving; and road trips, along with the ocean seem to create space for my brain to think, process, and almost breathe deeply. However, because I always process and mull over things intensely, I began to think through how change was probably more my own self, and not from God. You see, not only am I accustomed to change, I love it (see all my random hair changes). I am used to major life change happening every couple of years, so I wasn’t confident that the word wasn’t just constructed by me. Yet, as I prayed over change, it seemed less of a tangible change (like previously it was new jobs, moving, etc..), and more of this feeling to “Watch and See the change around you. Change that I Am is going to do before your eyes without you controlling it.” – Yet, change just felt like my comfort zone word. So, after a week or so of praying over it, I decided to reach out to three girlfriends, and I asked them to pray for me/over me for my word or theme for 2018. I explained to them that I maybe had the word, but I was really uncertain, so without telling them my word, I wanted them to pray and come back to me and let me know what God spoke to them.

For the record… I very much love this accidental practice of asking other people to pray over/for you for your word/theme for the coming year; I will probably continue it in the future.

Four days later, the first girlfriend, in the middle of a conversation talking about something totally different, suddenly stopped and said, “Ok, the Lord told me that I have to share this word with you. I had that sudden check in my spirit and pit in my stomach.. So I have to tell you the word…” She had been praying for days and felt like she had a word, but also didn’t think it made sense and kept trying to pray for a different word; but in that moment, she was confident that the Holy Spirit wanted her to share it.

“Watch. As in, step back and watch, observe and see all that God is going to do with anticipation.”

Instantly, I knew that both Change and Watch were so interconnected that they were accurate. Confirmation. The feel descriptions that came with both words rolled one to the other exactly right and I knew that these two words had settled for 2018.

About a day later, the second girlfriend came and said, “I have three words.” (oh gosh)

“The first is Re-Make. As in, let God remake you, remake and cultivate your foundation, changing who you are. Which you and He are already doing, but will continue and look different in 2018.
The second is Anticipant. – I don’t know that I’ve ever said the word Anticipant in my whole life. But, you need to be anticipant of what the Lord is going to do. Which leads to the third word, I think both of these words are going to restore Hope in you.
So, the third is Hope. God is going to remake your Hope, and you need to be open and anticipant of what He’s doing.”

Change. Watch. Remake. Anticipant. Hope.

Are you noticing a theme?

The next day, the third girlfriend came and said, “I have two words.” (And then the next day said, “Actually, I have a third word, but I didn’t want to tell you the last one and wasn’t sure about it, so I needed to pray over it some more.“)

“Open. Open-minded, Open-hearted, Open-handed. All three require dependence on him, abiding in following, and humility/soft heart. Which you’ve been doing, and I’ve seen start being more of a consistent trait in you.
Cultivate. Similar to open in that God has been helping you cultivate a bridge between your head and your heart. But it’s also a 2.0 feeling of cultivating new: community, career, you’re own voice, how you follow Him, hear His voice, and your character.
Pruning. One of my favorite explanations of pruning is that it doesn’t have anything to do with cutting or getting rid of what’s dead or not growing. Pruning has to do with there’s a limited amount of healthy supply and nutrients a plant can divide up. So pruning is all about prioritizing what is healthy and what/who gets your resources to remain healthy and balanced. Maintaining that balance takes cultivating.”

In all honesty, the word Pruning gave me a little bit of ptsd from the end of 2013, and the entire year of 2014. Easily the hardest year and a half of my life, and one that took me almost all of 2015 to heal and recover from. Yet, after talking through it, it would seem that this pruning is more about creating space for God to do and move the way He wants to, creating a more healthy me in the process… Not so much the pain involved in severe pruning like 2014 was for me.

Change. Watch. Remake. Anticipant. Hope. Open. Cultivate. Pruning.

One of the things that is I think the most unusual thing about this whole process and these words, is that with each word and the description of the feelings behind them rolled right into each of the next words. I talked more about these words with the three of my girlfriends together after I had all of the words, and it seems pretty clear that this year will be So intense. So challenging. – But not painful in an injury way.

Like, the difference between something being difficult and getting hurt vs being difficult and getting injured. Maybe a better way to say is it will be the type of pain involved when you exercise; you are breaking down muscles, making them sore and tired, but ultimately building them up and becoming stronger with more endurance in the process.

I believe very much that 2018 will be challenging, and full of intense growth, but that it will not be the type of painful that injures me; instead, I think this year will be the type of pain that comes with exercising.

I have passages of scripture for six of the eight the words for 2018:

Change – Romans 11:29 (ISV), 1 Samuel 10:6
Watch – Micah 7:7
Remake – Colossians 3:10
Anticipant – Psalm 40:1
Hope – Romans 4:18
Open
Cultivate – Psalm 90:12, 37:3
Pruning

                       The 8 of 2018.

I cannot even begin to pretend like I know all (or any) of what the Lord will do this year. I wish so much that I could have specifics, know exactly what I’m working towards.

Because I am who I am,
I want to grow faster and do better in this process.

But, that’s actually the point… growing faster and doing better isn’t at all what 2018 is going to be about.

What I do know, is that these eight words are the areas that God is going to work on in me and through me.
He has every intention of rebuilding the areas of my heart where Trust in Him and His faithfulness is broken or simply not there.
He plans to use 2018 to completely change me, and make me more into the woman that He has intended for me to be all along.
He plans to use this year as a banner year to look back on, point to all the things that He did, and because of 2018, I will better be able to give Him honor and glory.
This year, I also have no doubt that I will learn how to hear Him and follow Him better.

But mostly, this year I will learn to Trust Him and believe in His complete Faithfulness.

“Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you at the proper time, casting all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you. Be of sober spirit, be on the alert. Your adversary, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.” – 1 Peter 5:6-8

“For by these He has granted to us His precious and magnificent promises, so that by them you may become partakers of the divine nature, having escaped the corruption that is in the world by lust. Now for this very reason also, applying all diligence, in your faith supply moral excellence, and in your moral excellence, knowledge, and in your knowledge, self-control, and in your self-control, perseverance, and in your perseverance, godliness,  and in your godliness, brotherly kindness, and in your brotherly kindness, love. For if these qualities are yours and are increasing, they render you neither useless nor unfruitful in the true knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.” – 2 Peter 1:4-8