I am tired of talking about how painful, stressful, lonely, emotional, etc..etc.. the last however long has been.
I wish desperately I could take the next step and move beyond this season, yet I am stuck.
I keep thinking how much I would love to focus on hope and anticipation, but just have no glimpse to grasp on to.
I for a while know have been yearning for when laughter, hugs, friends, and purpose fill my life again.
Recently, I took a break and went on a trip to see so many people I love because my mind was beginning to fracture and my hope for something different had grown incredibly dim. I am my own worst critic, and I hate when I know I am slipping and have no way to improve the state. So, I decided it was more important for me to mentally refresh than to seek out yet more ways to improve my situation.
I am so glad I did.
The trip is over, the finances are just as tight as they have been, but my heart is full of the memory of hugs and conversations from where love met me.
I found encouragement in the oddest of ways, in one instance, just the mere sight of my friend brought tears to my eyes, and then I got to sit and talk about life with her… And, she knows me well enough to know how to ask how I am truly doing, and then create a space that is safe enough for me to share.
I sat for hours upon hours with one friend, and I cannot even recall half of what we talked about, but I feel like she understands me in a truly unique way.
With so many I laughed, hugged, danced, joked and ate fantastic food while talking about anything that fluttered to our minds.
One friend marveled at my story and reminded me that my emotions throughout this process are ok. I was reminded that God is moving, He loves me, and that of course I would not be perfect throughout the stress and struggle. Sometimes the darkness and struggle are so real that the pain just needs time to heal.
How had I forgotten that I cannot handle this perfectly?
So many friends walked, sat and talked, ate food and just connected with the intention of renewing our friendship, and in one way or another reminded me that I am important to them.
As I look back at my trip, I find my heart full. Overflowing with so many jokes, so much laughter, dozens of hugs, but mostly I find that I was reminded down to my core how much I am loved.
I was reminded that I fill a space in their lives that only I can, and that thought rests deeply inside of me; I am so beyond thankful for the reminder.
Each person I spent time with impacted me, replacing, repairing, encouraging, and building my heart up in a way that I have not experienced in a while. I mean, it is not as though others have not encouraged or supported and built me up immensely, but I think God just knew who and when I would hear it best… So, He used this change of place and pace to infuse my heart again.
Physically life is no different, there are no changes, no real updates, and nothing too exciting to report on. However, deep inside my heart, I finally feel stable again, no longer like I am on the verge of disaster trying desperately to hold and put the pieces back together.
As I drove back, I marveled at how much God used these people in such a short time, many in ways they will never understand to begin repairing me with hope and love.
I am overflowing with thankfulness.