Humility

Accused of Thinking…

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I have been processing through so many comments I have heard or read on social media over the last couple months spanning almost every topic you could imagine.

People assuming the thoughts and intentions of myself (or others) and making grandiose statements of what the reasoning is behind it, and substituted truth for what they have decided must be facts.

“You think ____.”

“Obama/Trump/Hillary thinks ______.”

“Refugee’s think _____.”

“Women/Blacks/Whites/Rich/Poor blah blah blah, all think ____.”

Stop. It.

You have no idea what anyone is thinking, you are not in their head, you do not have to make the choices they do, and you do not have all of the information. Not to mention, it is poor form and terrible logic to try to create a false process for someone else’s actions.

Stop telling me what I think and what my motivation was for something.

Because at best, your thought process is what you would have done in my shoes, with your background and with the limited information you have. And, at worst, it is the classic case, “when you assume, you make an @$$ out of U and Me…..” mantra.

But, just so we are clear, the opposite side of this coin is that, if you are making assumptions and judging me or others based on what you have decided we/they/someone is thinking, then you are likely also judging yourself based off intentions alone. Oranges and Apples.

What’s the solution to this flawed way of operating?

Ask. Questions.

“Why did you do ___? What was your thought process behind ____?”

Learn. Gain perspective, play devils advocate to your own views, set aside your desire to be right. Just because you disagree with your limited knowledge, does not automatically make them wrong.

Be humble.

You do not have it all figured out, and there are likely hundreds of reasons behind someone’s decision. Making an assumption of what anyone must have been thinking is going to create a wider gap between you and everyone… Not to mention lower the respect others have for you.

It is possible to disagree and be kind about it.
It is possible to hate the decision, but understand the process.
It is possible to learn from those we don’t like.

We do not have to be a people or culture of throwing the baby out with the bath water.

We absolutely can be a humble people, with the intention to learn, gain wisdom, and perspective and still disagree.

Sometimes all that matters is that we understand the why behind something, and it changes our whole view of the situation.

Step aside from your arrogance, take a humble posture of learning, ask questions, listen, seek wisdom and understanding before elevating your own voice and opinion.

Stop seeking for others to see and hear you first, and instead choose words and language that invite others into a safe place of learning and discussion.

Iron sharpens iron… But, only when both are equally willing to be sharpened. It falls apart when only one takes the perspective of learning and humbling themselves enough to be willing to be wrong.

There are differently blessings in life for those who humble themselves, and sometimes blessings for others because of our own humility.

Just to share a small portion of the scriptural basis for my perspective:

“Because your heart was tender and you humbled yourself before God when you heard His words against this place and against its inhabitants, and because you humbled yourself before Me, tore your clothes and wept before Me, I truly have heard you,” declares the Lord.” – 2 Chronicles 34:27

“He leads the humble in justice, And He teaches the humble His way.” – Psalm 25:9

“When pride comes, then comes dishonor, But with the humble is wisdom.” – Proverbs 11:2

“Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.” – Matthew 11:29

“Whoever then humbles himself as this child, he is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.” – Matthew 18:4

“Whoever exalts himself shall be humbled; and whoever humbles himself shall be exalted.” – Matthew 23:12

“He has brought down rulers from their thrones, And has exalted those who were humble.” – Luke 1:52

“Or do you think that the Scripture speaks to no purpose: ‘He jealously desires the Spirit which He has made to dwell in us’? But He gives a greater grace. Therefore it says, ‘God is opposed to the proud, but gives grace to the humble.’ Submit therefore to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you.” – James 4:5-7

“To sum up, all of you be harmonious, sympathetic, brotherly, kindhearted, and humble in spirit; not returning evil for evil or insult for insult, but giving a blessing instead; for you were called for the very purpose that you might inherit a blessing.” – 1 Peter 3:8-9

Read more here.

There are two things I pray for almost every single day, and have for as long as I can remember:

Wisdom:

“But if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all generously and without reproach, and it will be given to him.” – James 1:5

and Understanding:

“So give Your servant an understanding heart to judge Your people to discern between good and evil. For who is able to judge this great people of Yours? It was pleasing in the sight of the Lord that Solomon had asked this thing.” – 1 King 3:9-10

So, stop assuming the thoughts and intentions of others. Ask them, learn from them, be respectful, and learn to use your words better.

What is it you ask God to bless you with every day?

What could you do to make your communication better?

 

Learning…

I feel like I spend most of my days trying to figure out what I am supposed to be learning or doing during this season.

Sometimes I reason with myself that the quicker I learn, the faster all of this will be over.

Maybe if I just DO more, learn more, pray more, spend more time in scripture, apply to more jobs, revise my resume for the 600th time, write yet another cover letter or send a “just checking in” e-mail… Maybe if I just be better all around.. maybe that will help this whole season to end quicker.

Even as I write that, it just sounds silly and stupid and I am tempted to erase it and not share that bit of information.

“Be better”?! That’s never solved anyone’s problems, ever.

That’s why God’s grace and mercy are so crucial to His story; because of people like me, in times like this. We always fall back to being or doing better, and it has nothing to do with that except maybe being a byproduct of the learning that takes place.

Really, I am just admitting that despite everything you see on my social media, or the conversations I have had with you recently, life is hard, I don’t “love” this season or stage at all, but I understand at least in part what if happening, and often I have the mentality of just trying to survive and get through it all.

So what is all of the struggling for?

Compassion and Faith.

One of the things that I have never been good at is compassion. Truly, I struggle with it constantly and have always admitted that I am really not the best when it comes to having true compassion for others. Realistically, whatever compassion you think you see and experience from me has been entirely cultivated by Christ in seasons such as the one I am in currently… And, that is no exaggeration or dramatization of the reality of the situation.

The other thing is faith. Growing faith is something that I have come to realize is just about as difficult as growing compassion. It is like growing pains, and in order for it to get deeper and stronger, it takes trials that force you to dig deeper to increase your faith.

For example, I keep finding myself in a cycle of worrying about finances, and then having no other option but to fall back into convincing myself that everything will be ok.

I have been unemployed for six months. This is the longest I have not worked 40+ hours a week in more than a decade.
I have lost a lot of things over the course of the last six months.
I have worked my tail off applying to hundreds of jobs all around the country.
I have done consulting work to help make up for some of the financial difficulty.

And then, sometimes it just seems like when I get to a point of “ok, I’m good, I will be fine for (length of time)” something happens that throws all of that out the window…. Such as a $300 car repair that came out of the blue.

Yet, throughout it all, I have money to cover the essential bills.

I do not have any way of explaining how my finances have covered my bills for more than six months, especially when I did not have enough of a savings to cover more than a month’s worth of expenses.

I try to rationalize, that this shouldn’t be happening to me because I have THREE degrees, eight years experience, a strong and solid resume… Not to mention I am willing to go wherever the job is.

“How can this be my situation?”

The reality is that, I do not know the answer… nor does anyone else. The only explanation I have is that God is truly using this to grow me. It sucks. This is by far one of the most difficult seasons I have experienced in my life.

I am also confident that I am learning compassion and faith throughout all of this.

Everything has worked out, despite my stressing and worry, so I keep reminding myself that God knows my situation, and He will get me through this… Regardless of what I “do” He will prove Himself faithful.

“…we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.” – Romans 5:3b-5

Jobs, Cars, and Struggles…

To the many many people who have inquired asking how I am and for updates on my life, job situation, and the car accident, thank you, you are awesome!

I figure it is time for a full update.

First, the job situation. Not much to update really, I am still applying, and still getting a slow trickle of rejection letters. Currently, I have sent out 175+ applications to 16 regions around the country, with an additional 4 around the world, and have received 29 rejection letters. I have gotten a couple inquiries for more information, but nothing really beyond that. — Applying for jobs is the definition of testing your ability to handle rejection and continue on anyway.

Four Dogs

Job hunting with four friends.

Currently, I am living with my aunt and uncle who are awesome and created space for me and the pups… AND make me coffee regularly. The only bummer in this situation is that, it is cold outside, which prevents using their pool. I am happy to report that, while the pups had a pretty rough initial transition, (as in the usually Mr. Be-my-friend transformed into Mr. Grumpypants and didn’t like their three dogs at all) he is currently in the fenced in back yard with their dogs running around and playing. I would say he has finally settled into no longer being an “only child” pups and enjoys the company and exercise!

Monday, I was in a car accident that was not my fault (no actually it really Car Accidentwasn’t). Thankfully, I was going under the speed limit, and had just the reaction time to swerve out of my lane just enough to prevent a full head on collision. The airbags deployed, and aside from being intensely sore for a couple of days, I was completely fine, and the other guy and his son were not even sore! But, my car is less than ok, although it too probably could have been way worse. And, in this whole situation, my one piece of solid comfort was that instead of just taking the pups with me like I typically do, I had uncharacteristically decided to leave him at home, and swing back by to pick him up before heading to my brother and sister-in-law’s house.
To help give an idea of the situation with my car that many have asked about, insurance is going to give me $1,000. In order to even do the bare minimum to get it on the road again, I need an additional $1,000. But, if I want to put the airbag system back in once more, I need another $1,800 on top of that. So, to get the car back to where it was before the accident, after insurance, I need $2,800. And, due to my lack of employment for a couple of months, I literally do not have the money… So, I have no idea how it will all work out, but in the mean time I have been using my brother and sister-in-law’s car (super thankful shout out to them!).

To say that this last week was crappy and difficult would be a laughable understatement. Seriously. In full disclosure, this whole last week I have felt somewhat forgotten by God, alone, frustrated, and just plain hurting. I honestly can say that while I am currently feeling more emotionally stable, and certainly like God is taking care of me through people, I still am struggling with the situations I find myself in.

Serious thank you to the people who have been awesome this last week and weathered through my crazy with me! One reminding me that the birds are still being fed, therefore I need to re-focus and fall back on my knowledge that God is in control and still loves me… And, is in-fact taking care of the situation no matter how I feel. Another reminded me that I am loved, and my feelings on the matter do not change how much I am loved. And, still one other reminded me that while this entire situation sucks, and sometimes it feels like “enough is enough”, the reality is that I know it will all be good on the other side, and… I would willingly choose to do it all over again if it touches one person… In the moment, I begrudgingly agreed, even though I actually do know I would in a heartbeat. While at times, I have felt as though my feelings of hurt and frustration (quite a bit of which were aimed at God) have been dismissed by some, they have had a good point; focusing on just the crappy things makes life worse, not better.

Last week, I sat in my room after receiving the information that insurance was in-fact not going to cover the damages, and I cried.
For the first time in months, I cried over a life I lost.
I cried over losing my job, my church, my home, my community, and my car.
I cried because up until this point, I had known and felt beyond a shadow of a doubt that God was going to take care of things.. I still knew without a doubt, but no longer had the peace that had been carrying me so far.
I cried because my life feels empty and without purpose.
I cried because I have bills coming soon that I do not have any idea how I will be able to pay for them.
I cried because I felt alone, and although I have an amazingly loving and supportive group of friends and family who have stepped in, no one is or can actually go through this with me.
I cried because I know I am in the wilderness, and it sucks.
I cried because I have to walk through this, and no amount of anything I can do will change my situation.
I cried because I am not strong enough nor do I know how to do this.
I cried because I do not see how God is working and moving or how He will fix this, and He has been particularly quiet lately.
I cried because I hurt.

I cried because I know that all of this could really be so much worse, but that doesn’t change how much it actually just hurts now.

I know that soon, things will be different, the night will be over and the sun will rise giving me a perfectly clear view of what and why God worked everything out the way He has.
I know that soon, I will be stressing about something else entirely, and before I know it, I will be joking about how overly dramatic I was in this situation.
I know that God’s mercies are new every morning, and I am so very thankful that He does not base anything off of me and my ridiculousness.
I know that I am being made stronger and my faith will grow tremendously because of this period of life.
I know that I am blessed, and will feel undeservingly blessed on the other side for how all of this played out.
I know all of these things because my God is good, but He also never promised life wouldn’t suck sometimes.

So, truly, thank you so very much to those who have reached out, prayed, laughed and cried with me. I appreciate the patience and love during all of this, and I am blessed because of you… even when my ugly and crazy shows.

Me 4 Me…

I have been reflecting recently about how much I have felt as though there are people who have gotten to know me simply because they have an agenda. I feel often that they do not actually care to be my genuine friend, nor do they take the time to actually know or care about my heart.

That is a fun place to be.

In December, I posted and asked, “Will You Love Me When I’m Ugly?” and while so many said yes, and even had actions to support their claim, many people spoke with their actions in the negative.

I simply cannot feel safe or allow myself to truly be seen, flaws, insecurities and all if there are people around whose actions and words are clear: “I have ulterior motives.”

The most difficult ones are when the words are supportive and caring, while the actions are anything but.

There are lots of times that I choose to carry on ahead and pull these agenda ridden people into my life anyway. I genuinely working to love unconditionally in return because, after all, maybe I am misunderstanding them and their intentions too right? But, that does not remove the sting or pain of their lack of reciprocation.

Many times I have found myself in situations and with groups of people who I so very badly wanted to connect with. I wanted to be close friends with them; and then, repeatedly, I have felt as though it just was not for me to receive authentic friendship in return… Simply put, I was perpetually on the outside, but I was being used for any number of reasons.

So, as I take a moment to truly and humbly check my heart to see who in my life I use or have an agenda with my reason for getting to know them, I challenge you to do the same.

It is not love if you have an ulterior motive.
It is not love if you have conditions.
It is not love if you cannot forgive mistakes.

It is not love if your actions towards them are less than how you should be loved.

“Now it came about when he had finished speaking to Saul, that the soul of Jonathan was knit to the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as himself.” – 1 Samuel 18:1

” Then Jonathan made a covenant with David because he loved him as himself.” –1 Samuel 18:3

“Jonathan made David vow again because of his love for him, because he loved him as he loved his own life.” –1 Samuel 20:17

“…but you shall love your neighbor as yourself; I am the Lord.” –Leviticus 19:18b

“Honor your father and mother; and You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” –Matthew 19:19

“This is the great and foremost commandment. The second is like it, ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’” –Matthew 22:38-39

“and you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind, and with all your strength.’ The second is this, ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no other commandment greater than these.” –Mark 12:30-31

“And he (Jesus) answered, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your strength, and with all your mind; and your neighbor as yourself.” –Luke 10:27

“For this, “You shall not commit adultery, You shall not murder, You shall not steal, You shall not covet,” and if there is any other commandment, it is summed up in this saying, “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” –Romans 13:9

“For the whole Law is fulfilled in one word, in the statement, “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” –Galatians 5:14

“If, however, you are fulfilling the royal law according to the Scripture, “You shall love your neighbor as yourself,” you are doing well.” –James 2:8