2019 – Redefine & Reshape

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A few weeks ago I met with a few of my closest friends, and we talked about 2018, the themes, struggles, process, and how it all worked together… Or totally threw us for a loop and turned out totally differently than we expected. Then, we talked about 2019. – This has become one of my favorite yearly traditions: Get together and do dinner with some of my closest friends and process and pray through the coming year (each year is a different mixture of friends because of schedules usually).

Because of the struggle of the second half of 2018, (which you can read about a little of it here) I was really unclear and unsure of 2019. If I’m being honest, I was still hurt, I was still angry at God, and a load of people. – How do you vision cast for a year to come with a heart full of hurt and anger? You don’t. But, my friends talked about where they saw me grow through 2018, and what they felt like 2019 was going to be about and bring for me. I wrote it all down feeling nothing at all.

Instead, I revisited all that they had said numerous times over the last few weeks. And, as only God can do, I also had several conversations with people who unknowingly echoed what my friends had told me.

For 2019, I have two words (a DRAMATIC reduction from the 8 for 2018!), Redefine & Reshape.
Redefine – To define again or define differently. To reexamine with the view to change. To reformulate a concept or thought.
Synonyms – Specify, Delineate, Revisit, Reinvent, Reconsider.
Antonyms – Defend, Uphold, Maintain, Assert.

Reshape – To shape something differently or shape it again. To give a new form or orientation.
Synonyms – Influence, Determine, Develop, Ripen, Mature.
Antonyms – Stagnate, Remain, Stay, Continue.

The two words are obviously remarkably similar, but also with just the slightest fraction of a difference between them.

As I have continued to process these two words, I feel very hands off and maybe a little apathetic about them. – Like these things will happen, and they will take place within my heart and mind but instead of me doing anything, it is because God will do it. My feeling is as though 2019 isn’t about me doing the changing or forcing anything, but that God will restore what has been broken because of others and because of me. Very much a shoulder shrug acceptance of what is to come with no dramatic thoughts or feelings about it one way or another… I am hoping that a year from now, I will be totally overwhelmed with all that God has done between now and then.

It seems as though I have a hint now of the avenue with which God is going to be using to Redefine and Reshape me in 2019…

For the last several months, I have been searching for a job… (Side note: Job hunting is THE. WORST. Seriously, it’s slow, frustrating, exhausting, mind-numbing, and to top it all off, it is really discouraging.) I have however been in a slow interview process that was also long, but also encouraging because they were excited about who I am and what I have to offer. However, I am now at a place financially of needing to make decisions and move forward; my timeline and theirs do not match so the door has closed. Throughout the interview process, I have been delaying building up my two business’s because I didn’t want to have either company grow beyond what I could handle with full time work.

But, in the interim, I have been paying the bills with BuilderChicks – the company I co-own with one of my best friends. This friend had her last day at her full-time job a couple weeks ago, so that she could shift to doing BuilderChicks and her personal training and fitness company Aiming 2b Fit. She has been planning this transition for a long time, well before any of my job changes took place.

At this point, with what is the closing door of the other potential job, and the timing of my friend shifting her career goals, I am shifting my focus too. I have been praying through the timing of everything, and that if things did not fall into place by certain dates that I would begin having dreams for BuilderChicks and BackIn Consulting (my other business). – Well, this week I started having fun and creative ideas that excite me.

So, I am officially switching gears and pursuing my two self-owned companies!

2019 should be an interesting year at least! I would appreciate all of the love, support, and prayers as this shift is likely to be challenging and maybe overwhelming.

Transitions…

Apparently life in transition is becoming something of a way of life for me. As I look for jobs like it is my job (no really, in two and a half weeks I have applied for 34 and looked at hundreds more), I have realized how many times I have done this transition thing.

Each time I love it, and hate it.

I love the excitement.
I love the change.
I love the possibilities.
I love the hope.
I love knowing that I will one day look back on my life and know that it was full because I was willing to follow God anywhere at any time.
I love the adventure of transitions and change.
I love the new things I will get to experience.
I love the joy and faithfulness of God that I will get to experience because of the new transition.
I love that I undoubtably will get the opportunity to meet new and absolutely amazing people, and that they will forever be etched into my life.
I love that I will get to test one more time how well I can face and handle life’s challenges with grace.
I love stepping out of my comfort zone.

I do not however like packing my apartment.
I do not like painting my walls back to white (insane asylum white what?!)
I do not like leaving people who I love and cherish (thank you Jesus for technology and the ease of keeping in contact!).
I do not like spending hours every day looking for jobs… and perusing lame-o job postings.
I do not like the stress that comes with figuring out how to make it all work (apartment hunting.. AFTER I get the job.. and then getting myself to the new place).
I do not like stepping out of my comfort zone.

I think some people get the impression that because I basically have a degree in “fly by the seat of my pants” and actually enjoy the thrill and challenge of change that I do not also struggle with the challenges or fear that come with it as well.

I have a love/hate relationship with transitions and change.

However, I look back at my life, and I realize that my life has been constant transitions. Yet, every single change or transition I have had has only enhanced my life, it has never made it worse or even kept it the same. I love change because it means adventure, and I feel like it gives me the chance to learn and exercise things that I learn in the Bible more each time. I dislike change because it is hard, and sometimes incredibly painful and lonely… But, even still, I have never walked away regretting or wishing it did not happen.

No matter what is to come in this next transition, as always, I am not going to just pretend everything is ok, but, I will also hold confident that my God is a God of miracles, and a beautiful God of the trials… And, He will be with me every blessed moment and step.