spirituality

I’m Terrible at Fasting…

In an attempt to always share real life, I need to confess: I’m a terrible faster.

But really, I’m so bad at it.

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I didn’t grow up with fasting being a regularly practiced spiritual discipline; despite growing up in a passionate and God centered home, that wasn’t something we did.

Prayer, Bible study, learning, teaching, serving etc.. All normal practices in my home growing up.

Fasting? Not so much.

In fact, I was in my early 20’s the first time I fasted! – That was a bad day, and I was hungry and frustrated all day.

I can confidently tell you that as I am about to turn 32, I’m still bad at fasting, but I’m practicing it more regularly now.

I have fasted food, social media, TV, meats and dairy products, sugar, caffeine… So many things, but every single time I come back to the understanding that I think I may be doing it wrong lol

Here’s what I have decided and/or learned as I practice fasting:

Fasting takes practice. 
It isn’t about success or failure for me, it is entirely about learning HOW to fast well. Because, if I am being honest, I don’t entirely understand it… I mean, I understand the concept, but it doesn’t seem to be for me what other’s explain fasting to be…

I mean, don’t get me wrong, I have experienced a more full and fulfilling life while fasting!
I have had a shift in perspectives!
I have even been able to see something’s grip on me get broken (think you may have an addiction to food, sugar, social media, tv? – Fasting is where it’s at!)

Fasting is hard.
Literally, it is actually really difficult to fast.

Fasting sets you up for some really bad days.
I have yet to experience a day/season of fasting that wasn’t actually really frustrating. I have concluded that all of the things that come up while fasting are classic case devil tactics. – I recognize the tactics for what they are, but sometimes not until much later… After I have been ready to kill people (oops) haha

Fasting can kill your focus.
Reportedly fasting can give you mental clarity… That has not been my experience. At. All. – In fact, on days I fast, a lot of the time I find myself unable to focus on anything longer than two minutes; and end up rotating between 15 different projects in order to see some sort of productivity!

Fasting by yourself is the worst..
I have fasted alone, and I have fasted with others… Fasting alone is terrible. I can never seem to get it right when it’s by myself. My focus, attitude, attention, perspective, all awful.

AND, sometimes I forget to even pray on days I’m fasting.

I’m terrible at fasting.

Fasting with others can make all the difference.
When someone is agreeing with you in prayer, and when you’re able to share the frustrations of the day, it makes or breaks the fast… (at least for me currently).

When I fast with others, and talk about it with them; we began to notice more of the prayers being answered, clarity on each other’s behalf, and we can see more tactics being used by the devil. Not to mention, more solidarity as we learn to navigate through how to fast better when we reflect on the successes and failures from the day/season.

Fasting requires preparation.
If you go into a fast willy nilly style and expect God to show up, you’re going to fail. Every time. – But really, this has been my experience.
If you are doing the Daniel Fast, you will need to prepare with the right foods.
If you’re doing liquid only, you need to prepare your day.
If you’re fasting social media/tv or something else, you need a plan for what to do instead. Otherwise you’ll fill your time with equally useless things…

But, you also need to know what you’re praying for/over, otherwise your focus will prevent you from praying well… or maybe at all.

I think it should be said again: I have fasted before and forgot to pray for the ENTIRE DAY.

Fail.

Fasting should include Bible reading.
Read your Bible kids… I have failed at this frequently. How do you forget to read  your bible when you’re fasting? I dunno, but I do!

More than just reading your bible, know what you’re looking for and planning, otherwise it can feel like empty words. (trust me)

Fasting doesn’t always mean better Jesus time.
I often find fasting to feel more like an uphill battle trying to connect with Jesus rather than a sweet beautiful or intimate time with Jesus and the Holy Spirit!

Fasting can make all the difference.
I know with all the confidence that some strongholds can only be broken through prayer and fasting… I’ll let you know when I experience a life changing stronghold being broken. I have complete faith that this is crucial and important, which is why I continue to press in and practice fasting.

One day it will make all the difference.

Fasting isn’t as simple as people make it out to be.
Fasting isn’t as simple as: “I’m going to pray, read my Bible and then *BAM* the Holy Spirit shows up and we have a beautiful time together.”

Fasting is actually really hard mentally, emotionally, and sometimes even spiritually. But, I’ve come to the conclusion that either these people are lying, or they just have more experience at practicing fasting than I do. So, because I believe that fasting matters, I continue to press in. I continue to practice, and I will slowly get better at this… Maybe. 😉

What I know for sure is that I am terrible at fasting; but, I need to hone my skills and tactics for doing it better…

But, as of today, I am still pretty bad at it. 🙂

Is there a classic spiritual discipline that you’re terrible at?

Regrowth…

Goodness has it been a few weeks! I feel like I have been in warp speed mode for weeks now, I basically collapse into bed every night and wake up begrudgingly too soon.

I have been actively pushing myself to step out of and let go of the second nature of survival mode I have felt for so long. I have been asking God for a lot of things, but mostly right now I have just been working to sit in His presence again and find peace and comfort.

Reconnecting and finding my peace and faith built up and restored has sorta become my focus… Usually while I’m walking the millions of miles I have been walking due to getting my car fixed (for the last 2+ weeks).

I desire a deeper richer relationship, but I have also found that I have a pretty strong reservation for indulging and allowing myself to feel strongly. Survival mode strikes again.

Last weekend I helped put on a conference for 500+ people, and it was awesome. Such a great time.. exhausting, but so great. I got to connect and meet so many people, listen to amazing sermons, and worship. It was fantastic.

However, the most profound part had little to do with any of the actual program, aside from the space we created for people to do business with God. At the end, we had a wonderful commissioning sermon, and then we worshiped, and offered communion to those wanting to take and remember, and then we had people lining the room to pray over anyone wanting prayer.

For more than an hour people worshiped, took communion, and let go of burdens, received confirmations, wept, and were encouraged.

What a sight to watch hundreds of people at the same time and place connecting with God; that more than anything else moved my heart in a very real way… What a lovely sight and feeling. For the first time in a long time I felt the shift in understanding God’s love and tenderness.

Tomorrow I turn 30, and I am excited. I am looking forward to starting a new decade, to hitting the refresh button and allowing myself to settle into the stride that is my life and my journey thus far. I am looking forward to this year, 2015 is the year of regrowth for me.

Below are the pictures I doodled while listening to the various people’s sermons last weekend… They are not necessarily connected to what was being spoken about.

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Through Eve’s Eyes…

I have been mulling for a while over what the world was like through Eve’s eyes. We know about her, she is the first woman ever, she is the one that was taken from a rib, and the one we wonder if she along with her husband Adam even had belly buttons… But, she is also the one we blame for.. well pretty much everything. She ate the fruit first, and ruined everything.

I am not gonna lie, I have thought: “I wouldn’t have made that mistake” … But, the reality is, I probably would have because the Bible is pretty clear about what happened leading up to that fatal day:

**For those who don’t know the story or need a refresher, here’s the background:

(After everything was created except for Eve) “Then the Lord God took the man and put him into the garden of Eden to cultivate it and keep it. The Lord God commanded the man, saying, ‘From any tree of the garden you may eat freely; but from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil you shall not eat, for in the day that you eat from it you will surely die.‘” (Genesis 2:15-17)

AKA – You have total freedom to eat anything except this tree or you will know death.

Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him.” (2:18)

In the next two verse God has Adam name all the animals. All. Of. Them. — Uhm, how long did that take?!.. And seriously, who has that kind of creativity at a day or two old?!

Then, the remaining four verses in chapter two are all about how God created Eve. Adam sleeps, God surgically removes a rib, creates a mate for Adam, then, as if Adam hasn’t had enough creativity for the day (or year), he names her woman because she came from him… (Probably his least creative naming job.)

Ok, so that is the little bit of the show that plays before the opening credits.

Genesis three is really where our little crappy story starts… And, as all good things gone bad, it starts with a crafty evil thing (a snake.. any wonder why they still look evil?!). The snake has a conversation with Eve,
“and he said to the woman, ‘Indeed, has God said, ‘You shall not eat from any tree of the garden’?’ The woman said to the serpent, ‘From the fruit of the trees of the garden we may eat; but from the fruit of the tree which is in the middle of the garden, God has said, ‘You shall not eat from it or touch it, or you will die.’ The serpent said to the woman, ‘You surely will not die! For God knows that in the day you eat from it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.’ When the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was a delight to the eyes, and that the tree was desirable to make one wise, she took from its fruit and ate; and she gave also to her husband with her, and he ate.” (Genesis 3:1b-6) He totally played to her practical side, and her love of beauty dang it.

I want to stop and call your attention to something real fast. In chapter two, God told Adam not to eat from the tree well before Eve was created… She gave the fruit to Adam who was with her, and he ate also. Which means that God told him, and he said nothing while Eve carried on a conversation with this snake (is that normal for animals to talk?!)

From there, the story goes on, but for the sake of brevity, I’ll summarize. God calls out to them, and they hid, when questioned they said they were afraid because they were naked. — First, why would they suddenly be afraid of God?.. And, why would they suddenly feel naked?.. That’s basically what God asks them, and Adam instantly accuses God by saying “That woman YOU GAVE ME…” *facepalm* When God asks Eve what happens, she owns up to the fact that she was deceived.

You see, Adam knew, Eve was deceived.

I guess to be fair, they are only young children in adult bodies.

From there, God curses both of them, but differently. Adam gets a cursing on his accomplishments, and Eve gets a cursing on her relationships. Awesome.

At this point, God kills an animal to clothe them (note, this is the first death of any kind in the Bible), then they are banished from the perfect wonderful Garden of Eden. But, it is my belief that God kicked them out of the garden to be merciful. You see, there was another tree. The tree of life.

When we ate from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil… if we had THEN ate from the tree of life.. we would never die, and thus we would forever be stuck in our sin.

Death makes a way for us to find redemption.

But, I digress.

Adam and Eve both lived HUNDREDS of years. As in Adam died in the 900 range. They both saw a lot of life come into this world. But, they both saw a lot of life die in this world as well. In fact, Cain and Abel (their two sons) had an epic sibling rivalry with each other and Cain ends up killing Abel. And, while it’s technically Cain’s fault Abel died, it is actually Eve’s fault.

This is where I want to dwell for a moment. The first bloodshed she experienced was an animal’s, she got to see and experience as God killed something to show mercy towards her and Adam. Life was lost because of her. But, when her son dies, human life was lost, and it is her fault. Before Abel, no human had actually died, so their closest understanding was the death of animals.

Imagine the grief.

Not only are you grieving the loss of your son, at the hands of your other son, but the blood is on your hands because you put your mouth to the fruit, and tasted the juice that dripped over your chin as you bit into it.

Eve got to see life and civilization take off, grow, form into clans and cities. Imagine the joy and wonder in those things. And then, she had to watch as it all crumbled for hundreds of years. And, it is her fault.

Now, think about this from yet another perspective. In the garden before that blasted fruit, her and Adam were walking and talking with God… He actually just kinda would visit them daily and they would have tea (no not really.. but maybe). And then, afterwards.. Never again do they hear the voice of God or feel Him like they did back then. Imagine the lonely feelings that would ensue from that alone. You know exactly what if feels like to be close, intimate, and talk with God… and then not at all. And, it is your fault. That would feel like a death all unto its own.

Suddenly the closeness you have with God, and the oneness with your husband is replaced with strife, arguments, loneliness, and a faint whisper of the memory of what it was all supposed to be like.

The heartache must have been almost unbearable at times. Especially, late at night when thoughts take over in the depths of the darkness.

We think of Eve as the one who “ruined everything,” and she did… But, I am fairly certain no one blames her more than she blamed herself. We are always harder on ourselves than others are on us. The guilt she carried as she watched her children and grandchildren and great-grandchildren struggle and die, knowing it. is. all. her. fault. No one can relate to her, she is entirely alone in that weight.

But, there is hope. Always hope with God.

Little did she know, God had a plan that took Adam and Eve’s lack of faith in God being honest and upfront with them, and decided that since they could see Him and still had no faith, our savior would require us not seeing and yet still having faith.

So, in the depths of the weight of Eve’s story, there is hope. In the middle of the painfully dark and lonely nights, there is mercy. And, no matter what she heard or did not hear any longer, she actually knew God unlike any of the rest of us ever have, and God chose her.

Can and Will…

Lately, I have come up to many situations where the conversation with people has boiled down to God’s ability and His willingness to do something (really anything).

There are a few passages of scripture where Jesus clearly says, ask anything in my name and you will get it:

“In that day you will not question Me about anything. Truly, truly, I say to you, if you ask the Father for anything in My name, He will give it to you.” – John 16:23

The problem is later, we see Paul ASK three times, and God simply tells him no, and why He is saying no:

“Because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, for this reason, to keep me from exalting myself, there was given me a thorn in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to torment me—to keep me from exalting myself!
Concerning this I implored the Lord three times that it might leave me.
And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” 
Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me.
Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ’s sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong”. –2 Corinthians 12:7-10

I want to really quickly draw your attention to a few things. First off, God just said no. Secondly, Paul ends his thought by saying that he is content over a plethora of things.. Some of which could be menial: distresses and difficulties.

Nowhere in that passage does Paul say that if he just presses into Christ more, that will solve it/fix it/undo the situation. No amount of prayer is fixing this sucker. He is stuck, and God tells him that is good enough for him at this time.

So, just in those two passages it seems like there is a contradiction; yet, that is not at all what I see. I view these as the beautifully complex perspective of God, and our invitation into Him, and our story with Him.

How?

From my perspective (and the view from which this post is written), literally every single thing in the Bible actually is and was exactly as it is written… That makes the story CRAZY. Seriously. And, the story is intense, and complex, and dynamic. Why would God be anything less than those same things?.. Yet, He is also never-changing. So, it cannot be said then that the “angry” God of the Old Testament is different from the “loving” one in the New Testament because stepping back and looking at the whole thing, you realize the entire story is showing us how complex He really is.

So, complex and dynamic… That is why comparing John 16 and 2 Corinthians 12 is fabulously difficult.

The first thing that I know from this is that, in John 16, Jesus is telling us to stand before God and ask for anything. Nothing is to big or too small, God wants and is able to answer anything. So, tell Him what we want, need, and desire.. because while Jesus said, “…for your Father knows what you need before you ask Him.” (Matthew 6:8b) God also invites us into a relationship with Him.

Why? What is the purpose of asking if God already knows right?…

I firmly believe that it is more for our benefit and growth than anything else. Because if you do not know, do not ask for it, and somehow it magically appears in your life, it is exactly that, coincidence or magic. The need or want ceases being a blessing from God and becomes a lovely thing that has happened to you, which means He does not get glory or praise over it.

Hear me out.

God loves you. He loves me. He loves his creation desperately. But, His goal is to bring Himself glory because He rightfully deserves it.

Answering your prayers brings Him glory, and I believe it brings Him great joy.

Telling you “no, but praise me anyway and trust my plan” also brings Him glory.

And, let’s call a spade a spade here for a moment, we suck at being in control of our own lives. We suck at asking for the right things, and we forget that a different perspective might be a better one. If you doubt that concept, check out the news for two minutes or take a moment and think back through some majorly difficult times in your life that were caused by poor decisions you made. We are just bad at controlling our own lives.

So, I praise God all the time for telling me no, even when I used “the right formula” and asked in His name. I praise God all the time for telling me yes because no matter what or how I pray, I recognize that I need God’s plan more than anything else.

God CAN answer ANY of your prayers, He is able to, and He actually WANTS to. The difference is, He does not promise to ALWAYS. Only a loving God would tell us: “no, and it’s none of your business why” regularly. Just like any good parent tells their child no regularly.

God CAN bring me a husband at any time. He wants to, I truly believe that, but, He also has not promised it to me, and He certainly has not told me the timing behind His plans. So, as much as it sucks often, I do not regret following Him or seeking contentment in His timing and plan.

God CAN heal you and he WANTS to. But, He will not always because sometimes His answer is simply “no.” And, I believe in those moments, when the no hurts, and causes ridiculous amounts of pain and grief in our lives, God hurts because we are hurting. But, just like many painful things, often more pain is required for true healing to take place… And sometimes, instead of healing, death is found. As much as death hurts, and sucks, God knows because that was not how he originally designed for us to live. We were never supposed to know what death feels like. Trust me, God hurts then too.

God CAN remove temptation and afflictions, but that does not mean He promises to every single time. What He does promise is to be there, unwaveringly, unending, in every moment, and in every emotion. He will be there no matter how it feels or where He feels like He is in the moment.

“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort,  who comforts us in all our affliction so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For just as the sufferings of Christ are ours in abundance, so also our comfort is abundant through Christ.” – 2 Corinthians 1:3-5

Prayer Summer 2013…

My church is doing a summer prayer series, and one of the recommended readings is The Circle Maker by Mark Batterson. While I have already read this book, I am actually really excited to read it again and gain fresh perspective on it.

Yesterday was the start of a summer small group I am leading. I am excited about the group, and I am really looking forward to seeing where God leads each of us. One of the things we are doing is, today we are kicking off a 21 day prayer challenge. I am looking forward to it, but, I am even more excited to see how He chooses to reveal Himself, and all the ways He is going to answer prayers this summer. I am fully anticipating looking back on this summer and realizing how many amazing and crazy things started this summer. I am fully expecting to be blown away, even though I have no idea in what way or what area of my life. I just know I am excited.

My biggest goal this summer is to gain a larger understanding of who God is, and for who He is to be immensely expanded in my life.

I am not looking to do things ahead of God, instead I am praying and expecting Him to show up immeasurably more than I can even possibly anticipate. I figure, my imagination is pretty large and pretty extravagant… And yet, God is bigger than that, which means I think He is going to show up in some pretty intense ways in the next 21 days, 40 days, and over the course of the entire 2013 summer…. (And likely beyond.)

While I certainly have a list of specific things I am praying for and through, mostly I am just focusing on starting new habits. I am purposefully spending more time with God, but also being sure to intentionally pay attention to and create space for Him to speak to my open and listening heart.

If you would like to join the 21 day prayer challenge or the 40 day prayer challenge with me, give me your address and I will be sure to add you!

In case you have not figured it out, July’s blog theme is prayer. Should be interesting!

Share your stories with me!

What are you praying for this summer?

He (Jesus) Loves You!

***I am so thrilled to feature my first ever guest blogger, and it is only fitting that it would be Renee Fisher because back in the fall she asked me to guest post on her site, and it was my first time ever guest posting! Renee has quickly become a great online friend and mentor to me, and I regularly find myself impacted and challenged by the things on her blog site DevotionalDiva.com. Also, be sure to check out her new book Loves Me Not, you will not be disappointed!

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He (Jesus) Loves You
[Guest post by Renee Fisher] 

He (Jesus) loves you. Yeah you.

If there’s one thing you remember from this post it’s that:

You.

 

Are.

 

Loved.

 

Fisher COVER - Loves Me NotI recently wrote a book entitled Loves Me Not, and I’d love for you to read it!

I wanted to focus solely on heartbreak and how to find healing God’s way. If you or anyone you know is currently experiencing a broken relationship or a breakup–I encourage you to pick up the eBook for only $2.99.
Here are a few benefits you will gain from reading this book:

+ Why Guarding Your Heart Isn’t Enough
+ Can Men and Women Be “Just Friends”?
+ Desperate Singles
+ Breaking Up With “The One”
+ Why Changing Your Significant Other Won’t Work
+ The Right Way To Breakup
+ How To Handle A Breakup
+ How To Be Your Own (Single) Person
+ Why Breakups Are Hard
+ He (Jesus) Loves You!

Relationships are very important to me.

God had me wait over twelve years to meet my husband. It’s probably because God knew how long it would take for me to understand how much He loved me. I didn’t need a man to tell me that (although it’s nice). It’s never enough. I wrote in Loves Me Not,

“God loved you first, so you could love others. He never meant for you to experience heartbreak, and He is the only one who can heal us physically, emotionally, and spiritually. 

So what if you meet your dream guy or girl soon?

God wants us to love and obey Him because we want to, not because we have to. If you’ve seen the movie The Break-Up with Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Aniston, that was the point. Jennifer’s character broke up with Vince because he didn’t act like he wanted to be with her. All she wanted was for him to at least try to act like he cared about their relationship.

Maybe your heart says one thing but your actions do another.

Did you know your actions speak your heart? If your heart is not fully with God, the lover of your soul, then something’s missing. God desperately wants you all to Himself. Keep your faith in God and that He will bring you the desires of your heart. Stand strong and do not look to the opposite sex. Do not be hindered by your flesh, for your flesh wants pleasure now. But now is not the time. Not yet. Do not be frustrated; the day is coming. Do not be angry. When the day comes, you will be pleased beyond comprehension.

Wait for your future spouse and do not anxiously search for him or her.

When the time is ripe, you will know because God will show you. When you give this to God, He will give you peace, and when attacks of the flesh come, flee for the peace God has, which comes when you trust in Him and wait for the right timing. The time, when it comes, will be amazing, so please wait for this wonderful gift. Jesus loves you.”

Just re-reading those words gives me the chills.

I can remember how hard it was to hear those words. When I was single I thought married people didn’t know what they were talking about.

Be encouraged my friends! 

Now that I’m married I see what they were talking about. Why? Because God never wastes a step on the journey towards finding our future mate. Since we are made in His image–there’s nothing we can do to make Him love us any less. God’s love remains the same whether we’re single or married–and that my friends is something to celebrate.

You.

 

Are.

 

Loved.

reneefisherRenee Fisher, the Devotional Diva®, is the spirited speaker and author of Faithbook of Jesus, Not Another Dating Book, Forgiving Others, Forgiving Me, and Loves Me Not. A graduate of Biola University, Renee’s mission in life is to “spur others forward” (Hebrews 10:24) using the lessons learned from her own trials to encourage others in their walk with God. She and her husband, Marc, live in California with their dog, Star. Learn more about Renee at www.devotionaldiva.com.

Touching My Heart…

IMG_2193In so many ways God is more real and intimately connected into every aspect of my life than He has ever been before. Partially I think that is due to the fact that because I live alone, I spend most of my time at home thinking and mulling things over in a continuous state of talking to my Savior. But, in other ways, I feel as though I have entirely allowed life to distract me from truly connecting and spending the time I need to be just silent and listen to my Lord. It is a bit weird to say it that way considering the previous sentence, however, that is the only way I can think to explain it. Life has gotten in the way of me spending quality time with my Lord.

Tonight, for the first time in a long time, my heart was just compelled to Christ. It was somewhat surprisingly sparked by changing my computer background to that of the ocean. Water of any kind has a way of compelling my heart to my Lord, unlike anything else in this world. For whatever reason, tonight the picture just drew in my heart instantaneously, and I am now sitting with an incredibly distinct and familiar feeling in my heart that I both love and hate at the same time. You see, the feeling is similar to bleeding, I can feel where exactly in my chest the ache originates from, but it also radiates out and then bleeds into my stomach. I love this feeling because I only experience it when God is doing business with my heart, but I hate it too because it actually feels like my heart is bleeding (not my physical heart at all just to be clear).

This feeling of having a bleeding heart is one I became familiar with and eventually recognized as God working in my heart in December 2008, just before I headed back to the airport to fly back to America from Ghana. The feeling lasted for an entire month, and was incredibly spiritually painful and awesome all at the same time. While I would never ever ask to return to it, nor repeat the pain I felt, I gladly sit here tonight in the familiar pain of God touching my heart.

In 2008 it was compassion that He exploded into my life, I desired God unlike I had ever before, and last time, I needed to be still and know that God was God…

I have no idea what God is going to do this time, but I have a feeling some of the same feelings are going to come back.

I am a little hoping it will not be as painful as last time, but more than that, I am hoping He moves my heart.. wherever and for whatever reason He chooses.

But, tonight my heart just hurts. I have no words and no reason why, it just bleeds and makes me cry.